(written in July 2009)<\/p>\n
I think of Elizabeth\u2019s letter to me [10\/25\/05] where she talks about my commitment, my vision and my generosity.\u00a0 I remember when I first read it, I had a wonderful feeling of \u201cI\u2019ve done it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve become the person I want to be.\u201d And relief \u2014 I don\u2019t have to keep trying so hard.\u00a0 But it faded.\u00a0 The conditioning that I\u2019m not good enough is so strong and deep.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking of listing all the good things people have said to me, and reading them over and over.\u00a0 People have suggested that I do this, but I haven\u2019t really taken it seriously.\u00a0 So I\u2019ll start right now.\u00a0 I can find in my journal a lot of passages about good things I\u2019ve done or people have said to me and make another document.\u00a0 I started to make a list.\u00a0 It\u2019s feeling good to write it all down, I still feel odd but warmer and more solid.\u00a0 Then a momentary thought \u2014 I\u2019m being conceited \u2014 NO! I\u2019m letting myself see and feel my real worth.\u00a0 What if I really got it that I\u2019m a good person doing good things in the world?\u00a0 Would I swagger around bragging?\u00a0 Would I get lazy and stop doing things?\u00a0 NOT AT ALL.\u00a0 I would be able to relax.\u00a0 I would stop pushing myself.\u00a0 I would stop making myself wrong and being angry at myself for being not good enough.\u00a0 I might even have more energy for the things I love to do: decorate and care for Neskaya, teach dance programs.
\nElizabeth said \u201cYou go off into uncharted territory \u2014 your wounds are your opening.\u201d I talked to her yesterday.\u00a0 A really good talk.\u00a0 She said she always feels better after talking to me.\u00a0 I read her the letter she wrote me about my \u201cboundless generosity, breadth of vision, depth of commitment,\u201d and my reaction, having trouble believing it at first, and then the relief.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to keep pushing.\u00a0 \u201cI am changing the world by my mere presence.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve got those pages printed out, sitting right here on my table.\u00a0 We also clarified the issue of becoming \u201cconceited\u201d, agreeing that acting superior is based on a fear that one is really inferior.\u00a0 Also agreeing that being able to take in the good we do would probably make us more effective.
\nIn therapy I talked about Elizabeth\u2019s letter praising my vision, commitment and generosity, and started to expand on those.\u00a0 Caryn asked me to slow down, so I did and began to go into detail about the hugeness of the galaxies and the amazing complexity that is the body…\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A fragment drifted by \u201c.. so great\u201d and I spoke to Mother (what I remember most about my mother was her telling me “Don’t think you’re so great”) \u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m so great, I think the Universe is huge and miraculous and beautiful and I want to share my excitement.\u201d Caryn said she\u2019d never heard me speak from that embodied place before.\u00a0 I have been able to do it in the past few years: speaking my truth and not worrying about whether she got it or not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(written in July 2009) I think of Elizabeth\u2019s letter to me [10\/25\/05] where she talks about my commitment, my vision and my generosity.\u00a0 I remember when I first read it, I had a wonderful feeling of \u201cI\u2019ve done it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve … Continue reading