This is an attempt to illustrate what my work with parts is like. \u00a0I wrote in my journal exactly what was going on, when it was happening.<\/p>\n
Sunday, July 18<\/p>\n
I think if I can\u2019t do anything else, maybe I should try to work with my parts.\u00a0 <\/span>I felt \u201ccan\u2019t go on\u201d earlier, so I turned that way and immediately got burning and fear in my stomach.\u00a0 <\/span>What\u2019s going on for you?\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I am terrified! I\u2019m exhausted! \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>Sounds pretty bad.\u00a0 <\/span>No wonder you feel exhausted.\u00a0 <\/span>Do you know what you\u2019re afraid of?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>Something terrible!\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>Now listen to me.\u00a0 <\/span>what you are afraid of did happen, you did get left alone, but you survived.\u00a0 <\/span>You are still here.\u00a0 <\/span>I am the you that\u2019s grown older.\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019ve been stuck in a pocket of time, while I\u2019ve gone on living and growing.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t like being alone much, but it hasn\u2019t killed me.\u00a0 <\/span>Does that help? \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>Can\u2019t go on is stopped with surprise. \u00a0 <\/span>Deep breath.\u00a0 <\/span>Stomach gurgle.\u00a0 <\/span>I ask would you like a hug? \u00a0 <\/span>The part is in a place of astonishment.\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I won\u2019t hug you until you tell me it\u2019s OK… \u00a0 <\/span>She flings herself into my arms.\u00a0 <\/span>I hold her saying Welcome! Welcome!\u00a0 <\/span>She is crying tears of relief like waking from a bad dream.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of Edith confessing to Mary that she stole the Little Things.\u00a0 <\/span>Redemption.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel another slight chill of fear.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it\u2019s not \u201ccan\u2019t go on\u201d but another one wanting the same.\u00a0 <\/span>I tell it I\u2019m sorry, I can only manage one at a time.\u00a0 <\/span>I ask it to dial back and it does.\u00a0 <\/span>Thank you.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to give my attention to can\u2019t go on.\u00a0 <\/span>Somewhere in there I had a big burp.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Pocket of time” is a term Nancy Napier uses to describe the experience of a part. “Stomach gurgle” something my therapist told me is an indicator of trauma release, like a yawn that means the nervous system is shifting from activated to relaxed. \u00a0“Burp” is another one, that’s why I write them down when they occur. “Dial it back” is asking the parts to lower the amount of emotion so I can function.<\/p>\n
I named this part “Can’t Go On.” \u00a0Edith and Mary and the Little Things are from a novel by Elizabeth Goudge<\/a>.<\/p>\n
Now an ache in my heart, turns into a chill, I think it\u2019s grief for all the lost parts, that there are so many of them.\u00a0 <\/span>Listen, dear ones, you have to dial it back.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to be able to be there for each of you, just as I was there for can\u2019t go on.\u00a0 <\/span>I have to go on and check email, have breakfast, walk the dog.<\/p>\n
Monday, July 19<\/p>\n
Thinking about what happened with D.\u00a0 <\/span>She says I yelled at her on purpose.\u00a0 <\/span>I tried to explain it was a part of me that was triggered, but she doesn\u2019t get that the part is not here now, but there then.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe it was \u201cfight\u201d energy not flight, and she was right to say I had a lot of anger \u2014 maybe that\u2019s even what the heat is \u2014 but that\u2019s the reptilian brainstem, not the neo-cortex.\u00a0 <\/span>The only thing the neo-cortex could have done would have been to recognize the anger right away and choose not to act out.\u00a0 <\/span>But it\u2019s something that happens so rarely that I don\u2019t have any practice in catching it in time.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember as a child something I called \u201cred rage,\u201d going up the stairs in Maine, saying \u201cRugs, Rags, Rhubarb and Rhinoceri!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I remember using all these R-words as swear words because the usual Damn and Hell didn’t express my feelings. \u00a0I was probably a teenager. \u00a0When we were traveling together in Europe, my friend Bettie told me I didn’t have to lose my temper. \u00a0I think I must have learned from my father because he did have explosions of temper. \u00a0But after Bettie said that, I found I didn’t have to do it.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s so amazing.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been continuously in my adult since I started writing \u2014 except that my handwriting is badly deteriorated.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s pouring rain.<\/p>\n
I thought about parking outside 45 Lyme and felt a swell of \u201cfear\u201d \u2014 maybe it\u2019s more complex than that. I started to say \u201cWhat you are afraid of never happened\u201d and realized that this was probably a different part. I asked \u201cWhat are you afraid of?\u201d Got no answer but when I started writing the feeling faded. I\u2019m getting that this one is afraid of doing something wrong and getting rejected. I remember that Lisa was more amused than angry when I said I had trouble with the scheduling, and was totally willing to do it for me, instead of insisting that I \u201cshape up.\u201d I can feel scared one relax.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Lisa is a Physical Therapist who works at 45 Lyme.<\/p>\n
I think I went back with Jeanne to her apartment…<\/p>\n
Thinking about resilience, how she has managed.\u00a0 <\/span>Listened to gsig-tana-mook\u2019s TED talk<\/a> where he says how amazing that he could still speak the language his ancestors spoke.\u00a0 <\/span>I think how amazing that I have survived everything that happened to me, and how lucky that I had money and could afford the therapy, and maybe that\u2019s why I am called to do this deeper work.\u00a0 <\/span>A wave of hope in resilience swells in my heart,\u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 burp \u2014\u00a0 <\/span>a knowing that we are going to make it.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe not save the planet but at least create a community of everyone.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Jeanne is a friend dealing with Post-polio syndrome. \u00a0She pretty much lives her life from a wheel chair. \u00a0She needed help packing to go to Maine.<\/p>\n
gkisedtanamoogk is the correct spelling of the name of the man I learned about in the film Dawnland, and who was one of the writers in The Gatherings<\/a>.<\/p>\n
Back from walking Mocha.\u00a0 <\/span>While I ate breakfast I read more in The Gatherings, working to strengthen and return to the Resilient One in me.\u00a0 <\/span>Getting ready to walk Mocha, another big surge of fear.\u00a0 <\/span>I said \u201cI have to take Mocha out, but I\u2019ll pay attention to you.\u00a0 <\/span>Please tell me what you need.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I get that it needs reassurance that it is not a weakling and a coward.\u00a0 <\/span>I tell it\/her \u201cNO.\u00a0 <\/span>You are facing and dealing with issues that D, strong as she is, has refused to face.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 teeth chattering \u2014\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m wearing my Journey T-shirt and remember that I say in my monologue<\/a> that I\u2019m a weakling and a coward.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cIf I weren\u2019t I could get somebody to listen to me!\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>O yes!\u00a0 <\/span>get somebody to listen to me<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>That in some ways was the worst of my abuse.\u00a0 <\/span>Neither Mom nor Dad listened to me and validated what was going on for me.\u00a0 <\/span>I tell that one now \u201cPeople don\u2019t listen because they don\u2019t want to face the things you are courageous enough to face.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Resilient One is an older self, older than I am now, who has learned to live after initiation. \u00a0Teeth chattering is a trauma release I learned about from Somatic Experiencing<\/a>.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, July 20<\/p>\n
Terror got big before I even started cooking breakfast.\u00a0 <\/span>I realize I hadn\u2019t responded to C\u2019s email about scheduling a day for her to come and help me, and I also got a bunch of emails from A about the Perseid meteor shower and other sky-watching.\u00a0 <\/span>I realized that I\u2019m afraid both of them will judge me for falling apart.\u00a0 <\/span>So I have a part who\u2019s terrified of judgement, and a part who\u2019s angry at me for falling apart.\u00a0 <\/span>Yesterday started out with me feeling so good and solid in my real self.\u00a0 <\/span>The sense of resilience in my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>And now it\u2019s all gone.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great!\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>That part is angry at me for feeling good.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Falling apart” essentially means that I can’t do something that would probably help if I could do it. \u00a0It’s the triggered fear that stops me, not the fear of actually doing the thing. \u00a0At least if it’s a thing I know I can do. \u00a0Stage fright never stopped me. \u00a0I don’t know why this fear does. \u00a0Maybe because part of it is “freeze<\/a>,” and what’s triggered is a very young part not an adult. \u00a0Gosh that’s hard to explain!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This is an attempt to illustrate what my work with parts is like. \u00a0I wrote in my journal exactly what was going on, when it was happening. Sunday, July 18 I think if I can\u2019t do anything else, maybe I … Continue reading