From my journal for Monday, June 28<\/p>\n
Yesterday was a miserable day.\u00a0 <\/span>The low-grade fear or whatever it is in my heart is so uncomfortable.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been trying to get her to tell me what the problem is, but so far I haven\u2019t heard anything.\u00a0 <\/span>I keep guessing.\u00a0 <\/span>Are you afraid of me rejecting you if you tell me what\u2019s wrong?\u00a0 <\/span>Are you afraid of me<\/span>?\u00a0 <\/span>I feel a pause & relief.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s OK to be afraid of me.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve pushed you away a lot.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m so sorry. so so sorry.\u00a0 <\/span>There, there.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m hesitant because I\u2019m scared of doing the wrong thing.\u00a0 <\/span>What comes is an image of Dana looking at me so coldly when I came back to the house to get some of my things after the divorce.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n
I think there\u2019s still some confusion and misunderstanding between us, but I\u2019m willing to work it out.\u00a0 <\/span>You don\u2019t have to do anything you\u2019re not old enough to do.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve managed to do almost all the things that needed a grown-up to do.<\/p>\n
I feel the burning in my heart again.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s some kind of baffled fury at what\u2019s happening on the planet, and my inability to take action.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s some intense tangle here.\u00a0 <\/span>We may need some further piece of information.<\/p>\n
Yes, I really want to know what\u2019s going on for you.\u00a0 <\/span>If it\u2019s something bad or scary I\u2019ve done or said, I\u2019d like to be able to reassure you that it was a mistake, that I won\u2019t do it again.\u00a0 <\/span>There there Little One.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m so sorry you\u2019ve been hurt so badly.<\/p>\n
Were you afraid I was sending you away when I sent \u201cthese energies\u201d to the white light?\u00a0 <\/span>I feel the burning in my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>I know I didn\u2019t always get the exact words right, but I never meant to send you away.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve spent my whole first cup of tea working on this and I still feel the burning in my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>I really need some help.<\/p>\n
Second cup of tea.\u00a0 <\/span>Blessed Lord Jesus have mercy on me.\u00a0 <\/span>Please!\u00a0 <\/span>Now I have to wait patiently for help to manifest.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I continued writing about yesterday. \u00a0Then, after I finished writing about yesterday, I went on in imagination and this is what happened.<\/p>\n
Trying to reassure the one I\u2019ve been working with that I don\u2019t want to send her away.\u00a0 <\/span>I see a small child, maybe 5 yr old, crying and running frantically toward me.\u00a0 <\/span>I get that it\u2019s a situation where she did something wrong and tried to apologize and mother wouldn\u2019t accept it.\u00a0 <\/span>There was no forgiveness.\u00a0 <\/span>My heart goes out, I take her in my arms and say I\u2019m not like that.\u00a0 <\/span>God\u2019s not like that.\u00a0 <\/span>Of course I forgive you for giving me a bad time.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I don’t have an actual memory of Mother refusing to forgive me. \u00a0I didn’t realize that’s what happened until I saw the movie<\/a> “Mommie Dearest,” and when the adopted daughter says “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” the mother says “Just don’t do it again.” \u00a0There was no “That’s OK,” or “I still love you.” \u00a0I learned that the only thing I could have done “right” was not to have done whatever it was in the first place. \u00a0Then there was the threat to “send me back to Sears & Roebucks,<\/a>” which told me that not only would I not be forgiven, but I would be sent away to some impersonal adult place where I wasn’t wanted.<\/p>\n
I choose to trust that I am in a healing process, and that all my mistakes are forgiven.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for Monday, June 28 Yesterday was a miserable day.\u00a0 The low-grade fear or whatever it is in my heart is so uncomfortable.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been trying to get her to tell me what the problem is, but so … Continue reading