{"id":7145,"date":"2021-06-24T15:47:35","date_gmt":"2021-06-24T19:47:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7145"},"modified":"2021-06-24T15:47:35","modified_gmt":"2021-06-24T19:47:35","slug":"angry-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7145","title":{"rendered":"Angry One"},"content":{"rendered":"

Feeling desperately scared the morning of June 22, I found it really hard even to go through my well-practiced routine of cooking breakfast.\u00a0 <\/span>As soon as I finished breakfast and walked Mocha, I went down to the Clinic to see if anyone could see me, and to just sit there where there were people around.\u00a0 <\/span>They were able to arrange a meeting with my primary care person, Karen Skalla, at 10:00.\u00a0 <\/span>When I got there, Kirsten King, a staff member concerned with community health was there also.\u00a0 <\/span>They made sure that was OK with me.\u00a0 <\/span>I figure I need all the help I can get. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They suggested I have a definite plan for when I first get up.\u00a0 <\/span>I explained that I have my first cup of tea and write in my journal, and have a definite routine up to walking the dog.\u00a0 <\/span>The problem is when I wake up at 4 or 5AM, too tired to get up, too scared to go back to sleep.\u00a0 <\/span>One of them suggested I have a tape to listen to.\u00a0 <\/span>I know that Nancy Napier<\/a> and Belleruth Naparstek<\/a> make tapes (and CD\u2019s) for relaxation in stressful situations.\u00a0 <\/span>So that sounded like a good idea.\u00a0 <\/span>Being reminded of Belleruth Naparstek also reminded me about her book, Invisible Heroes, about trauma survivors.\u00a0 <\/span>I got it out and started reading \u2014 the book was published in 2004, shortly after I started Somatic Experiencing, and I found it helpful \u2014 and found it even more helpful now that I\u2019m struggling with confusing symptoms.<\/p>\n

From my journal for Wednesday, June 23<\/p>\n

Went to bed last night listening to Sharon Salzberg on Lovingkindness.\u00a0 <\/span>This was the suggestion of the medical folks for what I should do first thing in the morning when I feel scared.\u00a0 <\/span>So I played the CD last night & fell asleep easily.\u00a0 <\/span>Then when I woke up in the middle of the night and felt the first hit of fear I put it on again and went right back to sleep.\u00a0 <\/span>Finally at 6, I woke up and was hit with a real jolt of heat.\u00a0 <\/span>I told it to go away and it got stronger.\u00a0 <\/span>OK, I\u2019ve got to find out who this is.\u00a0 <\/span>I put on Sharon again and continued to try to find out more about where this heat is coming from, what it\u2019s about.\u00a0 <\/span>I suspect it\u2019s anger \u2014 I just got a hit, it\u2019s very young.\u00a0 <\/span>That shifted everything.\u00a0 <\/span>The one who broke David\u2019s windows.\u00a0 <\/span>Davis.\u00a0 <\/span>The Madwoman of Chaillot.\u00a0 <\/span>Earth Day.\u00a0 <\/span>Rewriting Genesis<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>The one who has a lot to say and never got a chance.\u00a0 <\/span>Something like that.\u00a0 <\/span>The child who was validated by Dr. Asher.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Sharon Salzberg CD is the 3 CD set on Lovingkindness put out by Sounds True<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The jolt of heat is a jolt of fear, it almost feels like I’m burning, it carried an intense sense of DO SOMETHING.<\/p>\n

David was my boyfriend who abandoned me, and I went to his apartment and when he wouldn’t answer me I got my car jack and started breaking his windows<\/a>. \u00a0Dr Asher was a psychiatrist I was seeing who, when I told him about my childhood, said “You must have been very frightened.” \u00a0The Madwoman of Chaillot was put on at the University at Davis, California. \u00a0It was a great performance with environmental overtones added by the students. \u00a0The first Earth Day was celebrated that spring of 1970.<\/p>\n

Finally I realized that this one was ANGRY. \u00a0Angry at me for not standing up for myself. \u00a0I didn’t write down this realization, so I don’t remember where in the day it happened. Before I thought that it was very young I got the word “antagonistic” and thought it might be angry at me. \u00a0Well it was, but on my behalf, SHE was angry that I didn’t stand up for myself. \u00a0It was the first and only time I got angry enough to commit violence.<\/p>\n

From my journal for Thursday, June 24<\/p>\n

Yesterday, after connecting with Angry One, I felt a little high all day. Possibly energized by the anger that was finally reclaimed. \u00a0So it was a good day.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Feeling desperately scared the morning of June 22, I found it really hard even to go through my well-practiced routine of cooking breakfast.\u00a0 As soon as I finished breakfast and walked Mocha, I went down to the Clinic to see … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-breakdown","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7145","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7145"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7145\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7145"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7145"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7145"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}