To explain to people I trust when they ask how I am, I’ve been saying: “I’m dealing with flashbacks to early trauma, and I often feel terrified.” \u00a0The reality is that I am overwhelmed with very young parts who are terrified, and working with them can be tricky. \u00a0Slightly edited notes from my journal for today,\u00a0Wednesday, June 9.<\/p>\n
Woke at 5, burning heart, heat all over body.\u00a0 <\/span>It was a real struggle, but I finally managed to connect with young one and to convince her that she should not have been left with younger ones to care for<\/a>, that she was much too young.\u00a0 <\/span>She had a really hard time getting it.\u00a0 <\/span>I just realized that she might have thought that she just wasn\u2019t good enough.\u00a0 <\/span>NO. You were too young.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not that you could have done it, but you didn\u2019t try hard enough.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not that someone else your age could have done it but you weren\u2019t good enough.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s wrong<\/span> that you were left alone with younger children.\u00a0 Young one asks “<\/span>Then why did they do it?”\u00a0 <\/span>Because they were irresponsible parents.\u00a0 <\/span>It was too scary to see that when you were a child, so you had to make it be that you were the one who was not good enough.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel her relax with a big sigh.\u00a0 <\/span>I tell her I am the older one now, and I will take care of her and not ask her to do things she can\u2019t do.<\/p>\n
My heart gets cold.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it must be about the phone and all the other devices I don\u2019t know how to take care of because I’m caught in a younger part.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel \u201cI can\u2019t go on\u201d get big again.\u00a0 <\/span>I tell her she doesn\u2019t have to, that I can find help.<\/p>\n
Just had to reassure another little one, or a bunch of little ones, that I want to be present for each one, but if I\u2019m overwhelmed I can\u2019t be present, so I need them to dial back.\u00a0 <\/span>They do, and I feel a gush of gratitude.\u00a0 <\/span>Good work, you guys!\u00a0 <\/span>We\u2019re managing together<\/span>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Looking for help yesterday, I went to see the Doctor, and she said it was OK to raise my dose of Buspar to help with anxiety.<\/p>\n
I took 2 buspar at bedtime.\u00a0 <\/span>It felt like it took a while to go to sleep, and then I woke at 5, did all that inner work, and felt very sleepy when I finally got up.\u00a0 <\/span>It \u2019s like I\u2019m too relaxed to function, but still terrified.<\/p>\n
Dear little ones who are scared, you can go to the Bodhisattva of Compassion \u2014 I look at my statue of her holding a baby \u2014 if you need help.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t want to send you there because you might feel rejected, but if you want help, she\u2019s available.\u00a0 <\/span>I will still be available when it works out for me to be with each one of you.<\/p>\n
It seems to me there are some major categories.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s the tiny baby who\u2019s been left alone and is in a state of frozen terror.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s the one trying to protect me from Mom, but who shuts out everyone else too.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s the one who feels responsible to take care of younger ones.\u00a0 <\/span>Reassuring her is tricky.\u00a0 <\/span>If I tell her she doesn\u2019t have to take care of younger ones any more, she might feel rejected, so I have to reassure her that I still want to be connected to her.\u00a0 <\/span>I also have to make sure that she understands that she is too young<\/span> to care for younger ones, not incompetent.<\/p>\n
This is such hard work<\/span>!<\/p>\n
O yes, there\u2019s also the one who can\u2019t go on.\u00a0 <\/span>I have to reassure her that Erica and I can take care of the younger ones, that I have help, that she can relax and rest, and that I still need her as part of myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe she\u2019s the hardest one.\u00a0 <\/span>To reassure without rejecting.\u00a0 <\/span>Well, I managed to reassure the one who is too young, that she is truly too young<\/span>, and not incompetent or a failure.<\/p>\n
God.\u00a0 <\/span>No wonder I\u2019m exhausted.<\/p>\n
Having trouble with things seeming very strange when I walk around, and feeling so overwhelmed.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>I asked the little ones to use their venetian blinds.\u00a0 <\/span>I realized why I\u2019ve been feeling so odd, even tho I\u2019m doing better.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s because younger parts are awake in me, and they are seeing this world for the first time.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Venetian Blinds” was a suggestion made to me as a highly sensitive person<\/a>, to help me cut down on sensory input.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I think it must be hard for these young ones to wake up in an old body and realize they never got to live the life in between.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
When I think about this, I feel enormous grief.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
To explain to people I trust when they ask how I am, I’ve been saying: “I’m dealing with flashbacks to early trauma, and I often feel terrified.” \u00a0The reality is that I am overwhelmed with very young parts who are … Continue reading