{"id":7127,"date":"2021-05-31T14:21:08","date_gmt":"2021-05-31T18:21:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7127"},"modified":"2021-05-31T14:21:08","modified_gmt":"2021-05-31T18:21:08","slug":"bombed-out-village-reprise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7127","title":{"rendered":"Bombed-Out Village, Reprise"},"content":{"rendered":"

On May 24, I wrote my “primary wound history<\/a>,” following the assignment from Matt’s course. At the end of this writing I say:<\/p>\n

At least writing this has helped make the fear fade.\u00a0 <\/span>I also am somewhat surprised to see what enormous hardship I\u2019ve been through, and how well I have done just to survive.\u00a0 <\/span>I haven\u2019t even begun to address the second part of the question.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

From my journal for Tuesday, May 25<\/p>\n

3rd cup. Kombucha.\u00a0 <\/span>Not wanting tea or coffee or caffeine.\u00a0 <\/span>Walking Mocha I thought of the bombed-out village<\/a>, and the dreams of atomic bombs, seeing the pictures of Hiroshima in Life magazine, the possibility that in my last life I died in London during the Blitz, the truth that there are presently bombed-out villages in Syria, in Gaza, in Afghanistan…\u00a0 <\/span>I remembered that strange feeling at Debbie\u2019s<\/a> when I seemed to be in two places at once.\u00a0 <\/span>So I continue to be in the bombed-out village, aware of the 3yo who\u2019s there too.\u00a0 <\/span>It feels like there\u2019s no point in trying to talk to her right now.\u00a0 <\/span>But as long as I stay in the bombed-out village, I don\u2019t feel scared.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Hiroshima was bombed on August 6, 1945. \u00a0I was three years old on August 25. \u00a0I saw drawings in Life magazine \u2014 I presume because there were no photographs \u2014 the drawings were line drawings in black ink with some swathes of red. \u00a0They showed people running and falling, buildings crumbling, fires. I knew that some disaster had happened to the world. \u00a0The earliest dream I remember, I have no idea how old I was, was that I was in the living room of our house, and the atomic bomb fell just outside the window. \u00a0I could see it, it looked like a huge bullet, it was an evil yellowish metallic color. \u00a0I turned around and tried to run away, but my knees were like rubber and I could barely move.<\/p>\n

From my journal for Wednesday, May 26<\/p>\n

The \u201cbombed-out village\u201d came to mind, and I kept it present while I walked with Mocha.\u00a0 <\/span>It helped calm the fear, and a bunch of other associations came to mind.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I think one reason it helped with the fear is that when I walk around with triggered trauma, I feel like I’m in a war zone, but there’s no one there with me. If I were in a real war-zone, there would be others there to validate my experience.<\/p>\n

From my journal for Sunday, May 30<\/p>\n

3rd cup. dandelion.\u00a0 <\/span>That was a surprise.\u00a0 <\/span>Reminding myself of what happened to me actually made me feel better.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s so much emphasis on not<\/span> going over the bad things that happened, and I know that can keep people stuck, but in my case I need the reminder of exactly what did happen, how I had no choice about learning dysfunctional strategies, and that these dysfunctional patterns, and flashbacks to real events, are not character flaws.\u00a0 <\/span>Which is of course how I first defined them, because I had no idea of what had really happened.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On May 24, I wrote my “primary wound history,” following the assignment from Matt’s course. At the end of this writing I say: At least writing this has helped make the fear fade.\u00a0 I also am somewhat surprised to see … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,16,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7127","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-story","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7127","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7127"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7127\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7127"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7127"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7127"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}