I’ve been struggling with almost continuous terror for the last three days. Knowing it was trauma-based, being pretty sure it was because of social distancing, I tried to spend more time with people, but even eating dinner together didn’t help. My journal writing this morning was pretty desperate, but when I walked Mocha, I found some things that made a difference. \u00a0The fear has not gone, but it’s lessened enough that I can manage. I still find practical things almost impossible, except for absolutely necessary things like cooking and getting food and walking the dog. \u00a0This is what I wrote later:<\/p>\n
3rd cup. dandelion root tea.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve discovered some prayers that help.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWhatever of this is not mine, may it be drawn into the ball of white light and sent to the healing realms.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI choose to trust that there are beings in the universe who are bigger, stronger, and wiser than me, and who help us all go in a positive direction.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI offer myself to this process.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said these while I walked Mocha.\u00a0 <\/span>Also reminded myself that I do love Mocha, even when I don\u2019t have loving feelings or feel connected.<\/p>\n
I thought about the mystery that some suffering is \u201creal\u201d: Joe lost his wife, Rob fell and hurt his back.\u00a0 <\/span>Another friend had some mysterious illness with psychotic symptoms but is doing better \u2014 she came by our dining table last night with a walker, looking pale and weak.\u00a0 <\/span>There are people struggling with poverty and racism and marginalization, losing their jobs, being treated unfairly by the police, etc. etc.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n
Then there\u2019s suffering that\u2019s \u201cunreal\u201d like mine.\u00a0 <\/span>Yes I know it was caused by an event in the past, but there\u2019s no direct evidence.\u00a0 <\/span>My suffering is almost entirely invisible feelings, that other people don\u2019t see, that they mostly don\u2019t understand because the feelings don\u2019t connect with something obvious and present.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe even because, as I think it\u2019s Lenore Terr who says, the fear and rage of a trauma survivor don\u2019t feel like normal fear and anger.\u00a0 <\/span>I think the terror I experience is frozen terror, the default of freeze<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>I suppose the freeze without fear is apathy, but the freeze with fear reminds me of dreams when I tried to run away from a bomb and my knees were like rubber.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
One of the difficulties in believing that it’s not my fault, besides my father telling me<\/a> “You’re miserable because you want to be,” is that I didn’t know about the trauma until I was nearly 60. Not understanding about the cause for my difficulties left me believing that I was defective.<\/p>\n
What is the purpose of \u201cunreal\u201d suffering?\u00a0 <\/span>Because it\u2019s not directly caused by someone else, there\u2019s no one to blame.\u00a0 <\/span>I always took responsibility for healing my misery, although I also blamed myself, judged myself harshly.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s why the prayers are such a help.\u00a0 <\/span>They represent handing it over to something I trust, a healing process if not a loving being.\u00a0 <\/span>I guess one thing that that makes \u201cunreal\u201d suffering so difficult and painful is most people judge the suffering person, and refuse to feel sympathy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve been struggling with almost continuous terror for the last three days. Knowing it was trauma-based, being pretty sure it was because of social distancing, I tried to spend more time with people, but even eating dinner together didn’t help. … Continue reading