{"id":7105,"date":"2021-05-13T14:17:16","date_gmt":"2021-05-13T18:17:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7105"},"modified":"2023-11-21T11:08:49","modified_gmt":"2023-11-21T16:08:49","slug":"a-sojourn-in-hell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=7105","title":{"rendered":"A Sojourn in Hell"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here are some extracts from my journal for the week after I fell and hurt my knee on Monday, April 5. \u00a0See Knockdown<\/a>. \u00a0During the week my knee got worse, and I had a very bad time psychologically. \u00a0I think these pieces give a sense of the interaction of trauma with the stress of the pandemic.<\/p>\n

from my journal for Sunday, April 11:<\/p>\n

Trying to think about how I feel right now, which is totally miserable.\u00a0 <\/span>I thought I was going to do better today because I woke up without the headache and not feeling so sick.\u00a0 <\/span>But I was too tired to drink more than one cup of ginger tea, to put out my supplements \u2014 I had only my meds this morning \u2014 too tired to write emails I\u2019d like to.\u00a0 <\/span>I did make a full breakfast and manage to eat it, and do the dishwasher.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve iced my knee a couple of times.<\/p>\n

My psyche feels tied up in knots.\u00a0 <\/span>Like there\u2019s no refuge.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel anxious about all the things I have to do, even though I don\u2019t think about them I feel the tension.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s no relief, no refuge.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m sure this is the result of being too much alone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I ate a fruit cup and I\u2019ll have some soup later for lunch.\u00a0 <\/span>Mocha has left me for the chair, so I think I\u2019ll lie down on the couch.\u00a0 <\/span>I haven\u2019t been able to read \u2014 Gentian Hill \u2014 and I haven\u2019t been able to type journal, both normal ways I keep occupied.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Gentian Hill is a Novel by Elizabeth Goudge<\/a>, one that I read over and over.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m terrified that I won\u2019t be able to talk to Erica for two weeks after next Tuesday as she will be away.<\/p>\n

Called for help and had to leave messages.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is triggering because as an infant, left alone, my cries for help were often not answered. If I call someone and they don’t call back, I start feeling scared.<\/p>\n

I was thinking that this place that I am, every part of me uncomfortable, every system tied up in knots, is Hell.\u00a0 <\/span>I looked at myself in Hell and thought, well OK I can do that.\u00a0 <\/span>No sense of compassion, more like how I felt at 3AM when I was thinking \u201cI won\u2019t do the family Zoom any more,\u201d and my true self knew I didn\u2019t mean it<\/a>, supported me in letting off steam.\u00a0 <\/span>Now it\u2019s more standing beside myself in \u201cchoiceness awareness.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s OK, you can handle it, and it won\u2019t be able to hurt you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Monday, April 12<\/p>\n

I feel as miserable in my body as I\u2019ve ever felt.\u00a0 <\/span>Slept badly last night.\u00a0 <\/span>I invited myself over to Dulany\u2019s last night hoping that company would help.\u00a0 <\/span>She wanted to watch a movie which I found very painful.\u00a0 <\/span>Didn\u2019t feel connected to Dulany.\u00a0 <\/span>She said the other dog folks asked about me, but no one called me.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019m feeling completely confused.\u00a0 <\/span>Am I being too hard on myself or too easy?\u00a0 <\/span>It felt like I just gave up the last couple of days, but no one has come to rescue me.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t even know who to ask for help, or what help would look like.<\/p>\n

Part of me is saying OK, nobody\u2019s going to help you, so you just have to shape up.\u00a0 <\/span>Another part says I need help \u2014 please someone help me.\u00a0 <\/span>Trying to find a prayer last night \u2014 I tried \u201cLord God have mercy on me,\u201d and \u201cMay all beings be held in loving kindness,\u201d and just counting breaths.\u00a0 <\/span>I can hang on to them pretty well, but they don\u2019t shift anything.<\/p>\n

It looks like I\u2019m going to be in Hell for a while, so I\u2019ll forget trying to feel better, but I\u2019ve got to take better care of my body.\u00a0 <\/span>I did notice yesterday that my knee felt better after walking around Scattergood.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m thinking that it\u2019s the Tough Drip<\/a> that got knocked down so badly that she just can\u2019t keep going, and immediately my heart goes out to her.\u00a0 <\/span>There, there, tough drip.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s time you took a rest.<\/p>\n

Everything I think, or look at, or read about, I feel grief.\u00a0 <\/span>Knowing that I will lose Mocha some day.\u00a0 <\/span>Feeling anger for the Black people who are treated so unfairly, anger and grief for the earth and plants and animals that are exploited and abused.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s all a weight and a soreness on my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>I have no place for it to go.\u00a0 <\/span>No friend who would grieve with me.\u00a0 <\/span>No sense of a compassionate spirit holding all of this pain.\u00a0 <\/span>Yet people I trust \u2014 Richard Rohr<\/a>, Elizabeth Goudge \u2014 say that God holds all our suffering in compassion.<\/p>\n

I wish I didn\u2019t feel so alone with it.\u00a0 <\/span>The only times I\u2019ve felt not alone were when I was the witness looking at myself in Hell, and when my heart went out to the Tough Little Drip.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Tuesday, April 13<\/p>\n

Yesterday was tough.\u00a0 <\/span>Emotionally and physically.\u00a0 <\/span>I walked Mocha 3 times.\u00a0 <\/span>That may be why my knee hurt so much last night.\u00a0 <\/span>I only went once around Rivercrest.\u00a0 <\/span>Getting there over the rough ground was the hardest part.\u00a0 <\/span>It was hard to read, hard to type, hard to do puzzles.\u00a0 <\/span>Felt like I was actively trying to distract myself rather than do something.<\/p>\n

I called Affectionate Pet again & left message but never heard back.\u00a0 <\/span>I emailed Christine asking for a day of help, but she\u2019s going to Florida and having guests and won\u2019t be available until fall.<\/p>\n

I wrote a lot in here, trying to deal with my feelings.<\/p>\n

O Jesus some kind of machine.\u00a0 <\/span>Sounds like a leaf-blower.\u00a0 <\/span>At least it\u2019s moving away.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe into Scattergood.\u00a0 <\/span>O god back again.\u00a0 <\/span>No use trying to think.\u00a0 <\/span>Gnarling away at the edge of hearing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

One symptom of PTSD is hyperacusis, sensitivity to sound. This particular grinding sound is one of the most difficult.<\/p>\n

Well, this is life.\u00a0 <\/span>Just one thing after another.\u00a0 <\/span>One niggling little difficulty after another.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m doing the best I can, trying not to push myself too hard, but not to give up either.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not good enough and that\u2019s got to be OK.<\/p>\n

Late yesterday I felt very scared.\u00a0 <\/span>I couldn\u2019t figure out what I was scared of.\u00a0 <\/span>My knee not getting better?\u00a0 <\/span>Erica being away?\u00a0 <\/span>I tried just to be with<\/span> it, but wasn\u2019t able to imagine a terrified baby.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If I’m able to imagine another being feeling the emotion, that draws out my compassion. I can at least go sit with it. But if it’s just me, I feel stuck, powerless.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here are some extracts from my journal for the week after I fell and hurt my knee on Monday, April 5. \u00a0See Knockdown. \u00a0During the week my knee got worse, and I had a very bad time psychologically. \u00a0I think … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7105","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7105","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7105"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7105\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7105"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7105"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7105"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}