What is true?\u00a0 That I have to move to a place where I feel contained enough because I have no \u201ccalmly abiding center,\u201d and I don\u2019t know how long it will take to create one, with Erica\u2019s help \u2014 can\u2019t do this alone \u2014 or if it\u2019s even possible to create such a thing.\u00a0 I think again how Kendal can be an ashram for me, with Erica as my guide and teacher.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
What is my responsibility in this now? \u00a0To take care of myself adequately… \u00a0I’m finding that enormously hard to do if not impossible. \u00a0Somehow I have to find help. \u00a0I don’t know who can help besides Erica. I know I don’t have enough human contact in my life because of the pandemic, and I’m too scared to ask for help.<\/p>\n
What is true? \u00a0I know that it’s possible to ask the Quaker Meeting for help. \u00a0They can set up a support group. \u00a0Maybe that would help. \u00a0I wish I could manage a real breakdown, so that they would have to put me in the Health Center and fill me full of tranquilizers, and then there would be people around all the time taking care of me. \u00a0I need to collapse and be taken care of. \u00a0I can pay someone to take care of Mocha, or send her to Fiona.<\/p>\n
I had gotten this far, typing directly into the blog, and I realized that I was in real trouble, and had better not post “I wish I could manage a real breakdown…” \u00a0This was on Tuesday, March 30. \u00a0Fortunately I had a talk with my therapist soon after I typed this.<\/p>\n
Notes from therapy session:\u00a0I was really worried about what I said about a \u201creal breakdown.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>So I read what I had written to Erica. “This is a little one who\u2019s overwhelmed and doesn\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0She\u2019s feeling responsible for something that she never should have been asked to do.\u00a0How do we help the one that\u2019s overwhelmed, that feels responsible.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The main problem is that the little one is only a baby, she can’t realistically take care of me. But it’s too easy for me to get stuck in her, and dissociated from Adult Jenny. \u00a0This has been especially problematic during the pandemic, where social distancing triggers the feelings and helplessness of a baby who’s been left all alone.<\/p>\n
I did manage to get to my chiropractor, who worked on my left leg. \u00a0We both agreed that what was going on was more complex than just the knee. \u00a0I have been trying to pay attention to how I use my left leg and movements that might be affecting it. \u00a0I realized that this whole last year I have been eating most of my meals at my counter, sitting on a stool, and resting my left foot on a big plastic storage box that’s out to the left. \u00a0Before the pandemic, I had been eating both lunch and dinner at a table with both feet on the ground. So I managed to find a box the right size to fit right in front of the stool and rest my feet on it. \u00a0that seems to be helping.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am having a very hard time. \u00a0My brain doesn’t seem to be working very well. \u00a0I keep being badly thrown off by very little things. \u00a0It’s true that my left knee hurts, not a lot but it’s obvious that … Continue reading