(Written in December 2006)
\nKaren helped me shift from conflict about \u201cbeing open to a lover\u201d to paying attention to the part of myself that I would rather let be dead.\u00a0 What I saw was a just raped 5 year old, bleeding from her vagina, and I didn\u2019t want to go near her.\u00a0 Karen said all she needed was for me to let her know I cared about her, she didn\u2019t need me to do anything \u2014 I was caught in that conflict.\u00a0 Karen suggested I send helping spirits, and finally it occurred to me to put her in the center of the circle of women.\u00a0 Then it felt like she was safe enough and boundaried enough so that I could pay attention to her and I felt her pain and anger and shame.\u00a0 Then I asked Karen to let me curl up under the blanket & have her stroke my hair.\u00a0 She also reminded me that that energy is more than sexuality \u2014 it\u2019s my passion.\u00a0 My passion for art, for dance, for justice, for peace, for the polar bears…\u00a0 and I do have plenty of that.\u00a0 So tho I\u2019m afraid that part of me is \u201churt too badly to live\u201d \u2014 it\u2019s not true.\u00a0 I think about the little girls in the brothels in India whose spirits are broken by being raped repeatedly.\u00a0 That little 5-year-old is cowed, humiliated, wounded, but not broken.\u00a0 Her spirit keeps flashing out in my life.\u00a0 And I will shelter that flame, and honor it, and let it live in my life whenever it can.<\/p>\n
Tried talking to the 5-year-old \u2014 she\u2019s sullen & angry and doesn\u2019t want to have anything to do with me.\u00a0 At one point I said I almost wish she hadn\u2019t appeared in my life.\u00a0 That got her attention and respect \u2014 at least she can count on me to be honest.\u00a0 I told her I felt her feelings: her despair, her loneliness.\u00a0 So now we have a dialogue.
\nIt\u2019s true that I didn\u2019t want her, didn\u2019t want to have to pay attention to her pain, didn\u2019t want to have to deal with another layer of pain and abuse and trauma.\u00a0 What I wanted was to begin living my life.\u00a0 But I also have a commitment to the truth, and she belongs to me, she\u2019s part of my work.
\nShe\u2019s angry at me because I was the good one, I \u201csucked up\u201d to Mom & Dad and kept trying to get people to like me.\u00a0 She wanted to be \u201cbad\u201d, she wanted to explore and experiment and make messes and be sexual \u2014 and I wouldn\u2019t let her because I was afraid.\u00a0 afraid no one would ever love me.\u00a0 She says \u201cWhat good\u2019s love?\u00a0 It never did you any good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I\u2019m having a hard time with this new hurt & angry part of me that\u2019s recently appeared. (Written in December 2006) Karen helped me shift from conflict about \u201cbeing open to a lover\u201d to paying attention to the part of myself that I would rather let be dead.\u00a0 What I saw was a just raped 5 year … Continue reading
\n Dear Jenny, you are doing fine.\u00a0 You are doing your best to be compassionate to your aching body.\u00a0 Remember that the intent<\/strong> is what counts, not feelings of compassion.\u00a0 Of course you like it better when the feelings come too, but your compassion is already there in your intention of kindness.\u00a0 About this new part of you, you are doing well here too.\u00a0 With your honesty and willingness, you have established a relationship.\u00a0 Your job now is not to make her feel better or find out more about her \u2014 it\u2019s to be open and available, and to be mindful of her feelings and needs.\u00a0 Allowing her to express herself through your art is the best thing you can do for both of you.\u00a0 We know this is hard \u2014 remember to ask for our help.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"