{"id":6905,"date":"2020-12-15T10:02:33","date_gmt":"2020-12-15T15:02:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6905"},"modified":"2020-12-15T10:02:33","modified_gmt":"2020-12-15T15:02:33","slug":"collapse-of-a-coping-strategy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6905","title":{"rendered":"Collapse of a Coping Strategy"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

This was originally posted in March 2012<\/p>\n

(journal entry written in June 2004)
\nDay started badly.\u00a0 Found bank deposit that I prepared before I left for Kripalu & forgot.\u00a0\u00a0 I feel out of control.\u00a0 This scares me because it looks like a coping strategy that has served me all my life \u2014 being super-responsible \u2014 has collapsed and left me without form or structure.\u00a0 It\u2019s like walls that were holding me up and in have collapsed and I\u2019ve melted and run all over the floor.
\nKayla was talking at me with that harshness that I interpret as anger and I started a sentence in Giraffe \u201cWhen you speak to me in that intense way,\u00a0 I feel scared\u2026\u00a0 and I need\u2026.\u201d and she got it: \u201cYou need me to soften my voice..\u201d and that really helped.\u00a0 She picked a Tarot card for me, the Five of Cups, also called \u201cspilling\u201d.\u00a0 In Tarot of the Spirit<\/a> it says:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Five of Water is the rise of antipathy just when it seemed everything was going well.\u00a0 You anticipated that you would experience great pleasure at this stage, but there was an unexpected disturbance, and the expected pleasure has been usurped.\u00a0 As such, you feel a sense of futility and regret.\u00a0 You feel anger and despair.\u00a0 Emotional chaos seems to have arisen from somehow not being seen.\u00a0 You have felt as if you were lost, experiencing an onslaught of transience.\u00a0 \u2026\u00a0 There may have been moments when you felt so confused that it seemed like you were controlled by internal destructive forces, forces which seemed too deep to understand.
\n\u201cYou may have found yourself shaking your head and repeating \u201cI don\u2019t know, I don\u2019t know\u2026 \u201c You may have felt like you wanted to cry.\u00a0 You tried to get someone\u2019s attention.\u00a0 You have spilled out in all directions.
\n\u201cWhen you have spilled everything out, and are right down to the bottom of your cup, you will finally see your own heart reflected.\u00a0 Then you will see that you based your desire on expectations that had no foundation in reality.\u00a0 That was the problem.\u00a0 But you will also see that your heart, at base, is pure and good.\u00a0 It is full with love, a deep love that longs to flow in the right direction. \u2026
\n\u201cThe challenge of the Five of Water is to establish a new vision of your own power.\u00a0 It is time to reassess and adjust.\u00a0 It is time to know and correct any falsities you have programmed into your life and re-establish your connection with the fundamental truth\u2026
\n\u201cCard symbology: ..\u00a0 You see the purity of your own heart reflected.\u00a0 This is the key to understanding that the outcome will be positive.\u00a0 At the bottom of the cup \u2026 the last reservoir, and it is the eternal reservoir of Self-Love.\u00a0 Here she finds true understanding, but for the moment, that understanding is cut off from relationship.
\n\u201c \u2026\u00a0 The road is a road of healing.\u00a0 Then you emerge at the top of a lighted hill as in Matthew: \u201cYou are like light for the whole world\u201d \u2026 In the same way your light must shine.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Comments from 2012:
\n\u201cGiraffe\u201d and \u201cJackal\u201d are used in NonViolent Communication<\/a> to distinguish compassionate from judgmental language.\u00a0 Kayla and I had been part of a study group so even though my attempt was halting, she got the message.\u00a0 Afterward, thinking about it, I realized that the \u201charshness\u201d that I was interpreting as anger was in fact concern for me.<\/p>\n

The synchronicity of the reading for the Five of Water blew me away.\u00a0 This was a direct message from Spirit.\u00a0 \u201cEmotional chaos seems to have arisen from somehow not being seen\u201d reflects my being triggered by Paula\u2019s message which resembled things my mother said, that had nothing to do with me at all.\u00a0 In some ways my deepest wound was not being seen and mirrored accurately, so I still have an incorrect knowledge of my weaknesses and strengths.\u00a0 \u201cThere may have been moments when you felt so confused that it seemed like you were controlled by internal destructive forces, forces which seemed too deep to understand,\u201d describes PTSD very well.\u00a0 The reassurance that my heart is pure and longs to love, and the need for Self-love, are issues that I have been struggling with for a long time.<\/p>\n

What strikes me today, December 15, 2020, is where I say: “it looks like a coping strategy that has served me all my life \u2014 being super-responsible \u2014 has collapsed and left me without form or structure.\u00a0 It\u2019s like walls that were holding me up and in have collapsed and I\u2019ve melted and run all over the floor.” \u00a0This is very much how I’ve been feeling lately. \u00a0I feel lost, and out of control, and very fluid, uncontained. \u00a0It’s taking enormous effort to do things I have to do, like take the dog out for a walk \u2014 it’s 25\u00b0 out and I have to put on extra clothing \u2014 or make a cup of coffee so I can wake up a little more. \u00a0Then there are things I’ve committed to do with and for other people, and I can’t seem to wrap my brain around them and get a grasp on what to do. \u00a0It’s not so much a matter of will power, more feeling like skills I used to depend on have vanished. \u00a0I have no idea why this has happened, and if I’m losing ground, or moving to something completely new.<\/p>\n

I also say “my deepest wound was not being seen and mirrored accurately.” \u00a0At that time I knew this intellectually, but had no idea how deep the damage was.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This was originally posted in March 2012 (journal entry written in June 2004) Day started badly.\u00a0 Found bank deposit that I prepared before I left for Kripalu & forgot.\u00a0\u00a0 I feel out of control.\u00a0 This scares me because it looks … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,16,4,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6905","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-story","category-trauma","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6905","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6905"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6905\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6905"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6905"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6905"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}