January 2006
\nI realized this morning that the search for the right dose of the right medication may take a long time, in which case I\u2019ll have to live with depression for quite a while.\u00a0 So I\u2019ve let go of my hope of getting better quick, tho I still have hope of getting better eventually.\u00a0 So I\u2019m feeling a very little better, more solid, not so freaked out.<\/p>\n
Sent 1\/9\/06
\nDear Jesse,<\/p>\nI\u2019m sorry to tell you that I\u2019m not doing very well.\u00a0 After feeling better in the fall \u2014 I was doing well enough to go off my anti-anxiety medication \u2014 I plunged down into as bad a depression as I\u2019ve ever had.\u00a0 My best guess at a cause is that my Somatic Experiencing therapist, with whom I\u2019ve been doing the healing trauma work, has gone to the west coast for 6 months.\u00a0 I raised my medication nearly two weeks ago, but it hasn\u2019t worked yet. It\u2019s possible that after 8 years Imipramine isn\u2019t working for me any more.\u00a0 The idea of looking for another medication is scary – I had a very bad experience the first time (what happened to me on Paxil was literally traumatizing I understand now) and the worst is having to wait several weeks to see if any medication will work.\u00a0 I have a call in to another S.E. practitioner, and I can also go back to the man I was seeing in Concord, and that will probably help.\u00a0 But I\u2019m feeling very discouraged at the moment.<\/p>\n
If you want to help, little notes with kind words would be supportive. I’m not answering the phone because I tend to burst into tears very easily.\u00a0 I’ve had too many experiences of calling for help and getting invalidated by people who mean well. Please DON\u2019T give me advice, it\u2019s usually something I\u2019ve already tried, or else makes me feel like here\u2019s another assignment I\u2019m failing at.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t tell me any new age bullshit like \u201cYou create your life\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re choosing to be depressed\u201d.\u00a0 Such comments make me literally want to die.\u00a0 Don’t tell me about any books you think I should read, unless they’re a first person account of someone dealing with depression.\u00a0 (Julian Simon’s book was a big help, but only on the cognitive level.) What I need is people to say \u201cI\u2019m sorry you\u2019re feeling so bad.\u00a0 I hope you feel better soon. I care about you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sorry to send bad news, I hope it doesn’t bring you down.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It hardly seems possible but I\u2019m feeling better.\u00a0 Accepting that I might be depressed for weeks seems to have been what was needed.\u00a0 It blows me away.\u00a0 I started writing a letter to my brother Jesse and I think it functioned as observation without evaluation, which also seemed to help \u2014 I started feeling better while I was writing.<\/p>\n
Good Mood by Julian Simon<\/a> is a book I found very helpful, though only on the cognitive aspect of depression.\u00a0 It’s one Jesse recommended.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
January 2006 I realized this morning that the search for the right dose of the right medication may take a long time, in which case I\u2019ll have to live with depression for quite a while.\u00a0 So I\u2019ve let go of … Continue reading