{"id":6845,"date":"2020-11-16T13:19:12","date_gmt":"2020-11-16T18:19:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6845"},"modified":"2020-11-16T13:19:12","modified_gmt":"2020-11-16T18:19:12","slug":"the-gift-of-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6845","title":{"rendered":"The “Gift” of Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am doing a Retreat with the Courage and Renewal<\/a> folks. It’s called “Tending to Our Grief in Autumn” and is similar to the one I did in person in Burlington last January<\/a>. \u00a0Except that this one had to be on Zoom, and the leaders were in Denver and New York City. \u00a0The schedule, instead of being a weekend, was a few hours on Friday, November 13, 6 hours on Saturday, November 14, and 6 hours on Saturday, November 21.<\/p>\n

In one typical exercise we were given a poem and some prompts, asked to write or draw or whatever for five minutes, and then share in a small breakout group. \u00a0Here is the poem and what I wrote.<\/p>\n

The Thing Is \u00a0<\/b>by\u00a0ELLEN BASS<\/a><\/p>\n

to love life, to love it even
\nwhen you have no stomach for it
\nand everything you\u2019ve held dear
\ncrumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
\nyour throat filled with the silt of it.
\nWhen grief sits with you, its tropical heat
\nthickening the air, heavy as water
\nmore fit for gills than lungs;
\nwhen grief weights you down like your own flesh
\nonly more of it, an obesity of grief,
\nyou think, How can a body withstand this?
\n<\/i>Then you hold life like a face
\nbetween your palms, a plain face,
\nno charming smile, no violet eyes,
\nand you say, yes, I will take you
\nI will love you, again.<\/p>\n

From my journal for\u00a0Saturday, November 14<\/p>\n

Courage & Renewal Retreat:
\nBe present with who I am right now: exhausted, sad,
\nclose to tears
\nSaying \u201cYes\u201d to life \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>??\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s like God. \u00a0 <\/span>Love life even
\nwhen it\u2019s hard
\nWrite or draw: what roots you, sustains you?\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>anchors you<\/p>\n

Right now?\u00a0 <\/span>well the Stivell an dro<\/a> and the landscape of Lewis\/Callanish<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>But I\u2019m really having trouble with the poem by Ellen Bass ending with saying \u201cyes\u201d to life.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

It feels like being asked to be grateful for the \u201cgift\u201d of life\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 it wasn\u2019t<\/span> a gift.\u00a0 <\/span>It came to me smashed.\u00a0 <\/span>It came to me with the expectation that I would cure my mother\u2019s pain.\u00a0 <\/span>I never felt that my life was mine to do what I want to with.\u00a0 <\/span>It felt like I had to prove that I deserved<\/span> it.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s not a gift<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s a bribe.\u00a0 <\/span>And it\u2019s a bribe to be something I\u2019m not.\u00a0 <\/span>I refuse<\/span> to do that.\u00a0 <\/span>I refuse to be the person my mother wanted. a sycophant, who would tell her how wonderful she was, praise and believe her lies, never ask anything from her.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I read the last paragraph to two young women with a lot of fierce anger.<\/p>\n

“An dro” is a Breton dance.
\nMy problem with the “gift” of life is the same as my problem with “God.” \u00a0With trauma conditioning, the Universe is malevolent, Life is meaningless, and the self is unworthy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am doing a Retreat with the Courage and Renewal folks. It’s called “Tending to Our Grief in Autumn” and is similar to the one I did in person in Burlington last January. \u00a0Except that this one had to be … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6845","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6845","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6845"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6845\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6845"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6845"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6845"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}