From my journal for yesterday:<\/p>\n
WholeHeart:\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>poem is Making Peace by Denise Levertov<\/p>\n \u201cIf we restructured the sentence our lives are making.\u201d What I wrote this morning;<\/p>\n I feel completely different.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel solid, grounded, legitimate.\u00a0 <\/span>I have rewritten the sentence my life is making.<\/p>\n I think I must be trusting the larger process, that there is something much bigger going on, that people are waking up.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t believe for a moment that Thump will win the election.\u00a0 <\/span>I know that COVID is happening, that people are suffering, and I hold out my arms in a welcoming hug.\u00a0 <\/span>I know that we are poisoning the planet \u2014 maybe I have a sense that the forces that are reweaving health are bigger.\u00a0 <\/span>I was thinking yesterday that I have faith that nothing is meaningless, even tho it can look that way, that there is meaning in the bigger picture that\u2019s too big for us to see.<\/p>\n Little pink clouds are appearing in blue sky behind trees that are full of big holes where leaves have fallen.<\/p>\n What events in my life have contributed to this?\u00a0 <\/span>Grief group<\/a> on Zoom.\u00a0 <\/span>WholeHeart<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>Reading Accidental Saints<\/a> and how God uses and forgives and redeems our mistakes and cruelties.\u00a0 <\/span>Reading the book about energy healing<\/a> and changing beliefs.\u00a0 <\/span>Reading the book Beverly recommended \u2014 Sand Talk<\/a> \u2014 by a Native Australian about Indigenous Land-based ways of looking at the world: such a vastly different way of seeing.\u00a0 <\/span>And there was a daily good, that I can\u2019t remember right now, that I posted on facebook \u2014 I\u2019ve hardly looked at facebook in the last week \u2014 \u00a0 <\/span>this complete inability to remember happened about Bob\u2019s talk, tho I did remember when I started to write.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s very disconcerting, this inability to remember.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m only a little worried about it, because I suspect it\u2019s part of a restructuring of my operating system, and I\u2019m surrendering to that process.<\/p>\n There was a whole thing in the energy healing book about creating what you want in your life.\u00a0 <\/span>Creating a detailed intention and holding to it.\u00a0 <\/span>But I think of how I got to Stonehenge<\/a> the second time \u2014 \u201cI\u2019ll have to get back to Stonehenge\u201d was the sum total of my \u201cintention.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>And the time that Conrad and Julia showed up when I thought \u201cI want something.\u00a0 <\/span>If I were still living in Arlington, I\u2019d go into Harvard Square…\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>when I saw C and J I thought \u201cIntellectual conversation! That\u2019s what I want!\u201d<\/p>\n I cheated and looked up the Daily Good: Krista Tippett interviewing angel Kyodo williams<\/a>, a Black female Zen master.\u00a0 <\/span>She is talking about the huge movement toward human wholeness.\u00a0 <\/span>Reminds me that Nkem Ndefo<\/a>, another Black woman, has been a huge part of me being able to accept numbness as a legitimate way to protect myself.<\/p>\n My god!\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve done a good job with the tough hand I was dealt!<\/p>\n I went down to the window to look for the pink clouds, which were gone, and the sun is up, and saw the strong green leaves that the \u201cdead\u201d narcissus bulbs are putting out.\u00a0 <\/span>Did I love them back into life?\u00a0 <\/span>I feel redeemed, and forgiven, and showered with grace.<\/p>\n O yes I also went back and read about my weekend with Teresa<\/a>, how rich it was, and followed the link to Nadia at ELCA<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cGod will use your mistakes and failures…\u201d<\/p>\n Back to the issue of creating what I want \u2014 but the only thing I\u2019ve wanted is more engagement with people who are being real \u2014 and to do god\u2019s will.\u00a0 <\/span>MLK<\/a>: \u201cand He\u2019s allowed me to go up to the mountain, and I\u2019ve seen the Promised Land…\u201d<\/p>\n … to do whatever it is I\u2019m supposed to be doing here at Kendal.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re already doing it.\u201d<\/p>\n I imagine I won\u2019t lose this place.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of all the other times I\u2019ve \u201carrived\u201d and thought \u201cI\u2019ve done it!\u201d and then fell back down.\u00a0 <\/span>But those times were when I felt like I had come out on top of the cliff I\u2019d been climbing, or gotten out of the Pit.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I feel more like I\u2019m down inside, solid and strong, supported by the earth that holds me.\u00a0 <\/span>Getting out the \u201cPieces of Iona\u201d for Grief group reminded me of the time, sitting in Findhorn\u2019s retreat house on Iona<\/a>, I sent a root down to find bedrock, and the rock opened and welcomed me in.<\/p>\n \u201cI can do something completely new<\/a>!\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I tried two little things that I’ve been scared to do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" From my journal for yesterday: WholeHeart:\u00a0 \u00a0 poem is Making Peace by Denise Levertov \u201cIf we restructured the sentence our lives are making.\u201d The sentence my life is making.\u00a0 It definitely needs to be restructured. Trauma becomes initiation. Abuse becomes … Continue reading
\nThe sentence my life is making.\u00a0 <\/span>It definitely needs to be restructured.
\nTrauma becomes initiation.
\nAbuse becomes siding with the underdog.
\n\u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great\u201d becomes I share what I love with enthusiasm.
\nLost in outer darkness becomes… \u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe a song about grief.
\nGrief is the everlasting flow of a never-ending river,
\n<\/span>grief allowed, shared, listened to becomes a
\n<\/span>bigger space to live,
\na community in which one can be real,
\nshare what hurts, be vulnerable and creative and silly.<\/p>\n