I realized this morning that I have been badly triggered for weeks and in denial of it. \u00a0I saw that I was going back and forth between overwhelm and numb, but failed to get that that meant I never got into a self-regulated state. \u00a0I only saw this as I was writing this morning.<\/p>\n
From today’s journal:
\nSo tired yesterday I could only do 3 rounds in Rivercrest with Dulany.\u00a0 <\/span>I put out the light at 9:00, and woke up at 7:00.\u00a0 <\/span>So I guess I was really tired.\u00a0 <\/span>I think I did the old pattern of ignoring it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI slept 10 hours. \u00a0I never<\/span> sleep that long. \u00a0Reminded me of Erica saying when I got to Kendal I was “beyond the end of my resources.” \u00a0The trouble is that ignoring my needs is an old old pattern from day one.<\/p>\n
Grief group was wonderful.\u00a0 <\/span>P told us, shaking and crying, of her apartment being invaded by people doing an \u201cinspection.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>She freaked out because being safe is so important to her.\u00a0 <\/span>When she apologized for not being \u201csuccinct\u201d I told her she was being real, she didn\u2019t need to be succinct.\u00a0 <\/span>I said something similar to C last week when she apologized for taking up so much time.\u00a0 <\/span>I realize now that, for me, there\u2019s something deeply reassuring about someone being real.\u00a0 <\/span>V talked about not being able to cut her hair, and I said I found that comforting, because I\u2019ve been having trouble doing something equally \u201ctrivial\u201d and practical, namely repotting my plants.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
This is the second time I’ve been to grief group in person since back in March. \u00a0We had a weekly check-in by email, but it didn’t do it for me. \u00a0That group has been an extremely important part of my life since last August. \u00a0Finally being together physically again opened me up to a lot that’s been buried.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been giving myself a hard time because I haven\u2019t taken a shower this week, what will my cleaning lady think when she comes to change the towels.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not worried that I\u2019m dirty, I\u2019m worried that I\u2019m going to be judged.\u00a0 <\/span>I realize this morning that showers are difficult when I\u2019m triggered.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember being dizzy and afraid I\u2019d fall down when I undressed to take a shower during the Summer from Hell<\/a>. \u00a0I have no idea why this is a trigger.<\/p>\n
Second cup of tea.\u00a0 <\/span>Come back to the couch to find no Mocha.\u00a0 <\/span>I have to see where she is, go into the bedroom, she\u2019s in her crate.\u00a0 <\/span>Of course I know she has to be in the apartment.\u00a0 <\/span>I still have to check.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m sure it goes back to infancy and Mom not being there<\/a>.<\/p>\n
I managed lunch, and to write a birthday note to Eleanor.\u00a0 <\/span>Got it printed out, had to shut down the computer, got it in an envelope, stamped and addressed.\u00a0 <\/span>Needed a break between each action.\u00a0 <\/span>Finally went out with Mocha to go down to Reception to mail it.\u00a0 <\/span>Alas, I was just too late to have it go out yesterday.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I often have to shut down the computer before the printer will accept that it’s plugged in and print the item. \u00a0It’s just one more thing. \u00a0Normally writing something, getting it in the envelope, and stamped and addressed can be done in one sequence. \u00a0It’s when I’m triggered that I have to have breaks.<\/p>\n
I see that my danger meter is in the red.\u00a0 <\/span>Pandemic EMERGENCY!\u00a0 <\/span>Climate EMERGENCY!\u00a0 <\/span>Totalitarian takeover EMERGENCY!<\/p>\n
No longer in denial of how badly triggered I am, I am seeing & feeling how badly triggered I am, which is paradoxically a sense of settling into something.\u00a0 <\/span>I see that I\u2019m able to drop all my expectations that I\u2019m going to\u00a0 <\/span>be able to \u201caccomplish\u201d anything.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s a relief.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I realized this morning that I have been badly triggered for weeks and in denial of it. \u00a0I saw that I was going back and forth between overwhelm and numb, but failed to get that that meant I never got … Continue reading