Slightly edited from my journal:<\/p>\n
Monday, June 29<\/p>\n
I had been looking forward to B talking about her spiritual journey.\u00a0 <\/span>I knew she had had a hard time in her life, and I was really hoping for suggestions for things I could do when I was having a bad time, or things that illumine the path.\u00a0 <\/span>But she didn\u2019t talk about the bad times, only about when she felt joy. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I told another friend I had been hoping for something that would help me in my struggle, and she responded in a way that really made me feel bad.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t remember exactly what she said, because my feeling bad may have been my own judgement of myself.<\/p>\n Sitting here feeling like a complete failure and at the same time there\u2019s a deeper knowing that that\u2019s a misunderstanding.\u00a0 <\/span>Pieces of my journey all appear at once: the Chalice Well, the Ocean of Compassion<\/a> \u2014 both experiences I had once, that could be recalled for a while and then faded into stories.\u00a0 <\/span>I felt that I had lost them, had failed to build them into my life, but perhaps they were built into a foundation that was deeper than I could perceive.\u00a0 <\/span>I guess what\u2019s most discouraging is how long it takes, how the same experiences keep coming back again and again.<\/p>\n Also in my head is Julie Fowlis\u2019 voice singing \u201cO Sister, Beloved Sister<\/a>\u201d in Scottish Gaelic, and the animation of the two sisters.\u00a0 <\/span>The younger one gets wafted off by the fairies, and the older one searches for her until her hair turns grey.\u00a0 <\/span>She finally finds her younger sister, unchanged.\u00a0 <\/span>The younger sister takes the older one\u2019s hand and starts to lead her.\u00a0 <\/span>They both morph into owls and fly away.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cHair turns grey\u201d brings back the line from Lost in the Stars<\/a>:\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI\u2019ve been walking through the night and the day, til my eyes get weary and my head turns grey, and sometimes it seems maybe god\u2019s gone away…\u00a0 <\/span>and we\u2019re lost out here in the stars…\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Pursuing my soul to the ends of the earth, with occasional glimpses.<\/p>\n I think of Ariel Burger<\/a> quoting Elie Weisel: \u201cThe first moral choice is whether to look away or not.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>One thing I can say for myself, I have never looked away.\u00a0 I have been ignorant, but as soon as something was brought to my attention, I was immediately on the side of the underdog. \u00a0<\/span>I need to hear that even though I have struggled so much with darkness, still I have done some things right.<\/p>\n What I see is that I have been working hard to unfreeze my small bit of the whole picture, and that\u2019s the best I can do, and it\u2019s good enough, and my life hasn\u2019t been wasted.\u00a0 <\/span>No sense of glory or joy or achievement, but at least a sense of \u201cnot-failure.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>A feeling of coming out of the freezing storm into a warm room, being welcomed by others, made to sit by the fire, given a cup of hot soup, and the soup tastes wonderful.\u00a0 <\/span>And finally really getting it that we are all engaged in a collective task, and these are my fellow soldiers and only now do I realize that they\u2019ve been there all along.<\/p>\n Yes, I am a failure at living, unable to find and enjoy small joys.\u00a0 <\/span>And a failure at relationships, finding it difficult to sustain a conversation unless it\u2019s about deep experience.\u00a0 <\/span>Unable to keep up with old friends because of severe depression.\u00a0 <\/span>But it doesn\u2019t matter, it\u2019s not important.\u00a0 <\/span>What does matter is that I\u2019ve never quit, never let down those who suffered, never let down my fellow soldiers.<\/p>\n Tuesday, June 30<\/p>\n It was a day of ordinary pleasures.\u00a0 <\/span>It rained all day.\u00a0 <\/span>I typed journal and did puzzles.\u00a0 <\/span>Also listened to Julie Fowlis singing O Sister, Beloved Sister, and watched the animation.\u00a0 <\/span>I find it so moving.\u00a0 <\/span>Thinking about the image of the older sister growing old and tired while searching for the younger one.\u00a0 <\/span>The young one has been stolen by the fairies and remains young.\u00a0 <\/span>With those images in my mind\u2019s eye, I see Aging Jenny searching through her journals to find Younger Jenny who has been stolen away by trauma.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Slightly edited from my journal: Monday, June 29 I had been looking forward to B talking about her spiritual journey.\u00a0 I knew she had had a hard time in her life, and I was really hoping for suggestions for things … Continue reading