I was amazed when reading through my journal for 1991 I found this:<\/p>\n
from Journal for April 25, 1991<\/p>\n
I have been printing out copies of Ritual Year to send to people.\u00a0When I glance through it, and see things like “Rape of an Infant” or “Gemstone and Wings” or “Mother abandoned me” \u2014 then I hear mother saying “Nothing like that ever happened to you.\u00a0Who do you think you are?\u00a0How dare you say these things?”\u00a0When I go outside I feel like everyone hates me, I feel hostility coming at me from every direction.\u00a0Then my muscles all tighten up, I feel incredibly tense and dead at the same time.<\/p>\n
OK describe how I feel\u00a0\u2014 trapped and yet exploding.\u00a0at some vast distance from myself\u00a0\u00a0I want to scream, run through the streets tearing off my clothes, piss on the Village Green.\u00a0In my body I feel like I’m encased in a suit of armor, the muscles are tense, I feel pressed on, held down by weights, strapped in \u2014 yes, I imagine this is what a person in a strait jacket might feel like.\u00a0I don’t feel alive in my body at all, I feel like my body is dead, clogged, compacted, pressured, and then animated by prickly electrical energy.\u00a0So I can’t truly rest when I sit still, and I feel too weak and frightened and scared to try to move vigorously.\u00a0And what would I do?\u00a0I could hardly stand being outdoors with the dog.\u00a0I can’t imagine going out again and trying to do anything.\u00a0I feel a lot of pressure on my neck, like I’m being strangled, I can feel the pressure mounting in my head.\u00a0Also I’ve been dizzy a lot lately.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Ritual Year” was a project I was doing of compiling my most powerful writings into a sort of calendar, one piece for each day of the year.<\/p>\n
We had just started doing Journey Into Courage<\/a>. \u00a0I’m concerned that the planes<\/a> are about to start flying. \u00a0I’m feeling a lot of tension from the stress of my life at this time. \u00a0I had no idea I was severely depressed and struggling with PTSD.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was amazed when reading through my journal for 1991 I found this: from Journal for April 25, 1991 I have been printing out copies of Ritual Year to send to people.\u00a0When I glance through it, and see things like … Continue reading