Just got back in touch with an old friend and referred her to my blog to see what\u2019s been happening with me.\u00a0 I checked my \u201cAbout Jenny\u201d page on this blog, and found that it ends in 2006 with me feeling \u201cbetter than I\u2019ve ever felt in my life.\u201d It\u2019s a little misleading since it implies that I stayed better.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been through at least two huge rounds of trying to get off the medication, falling apart and struggling to get back to OK.\u00a0 The most recent bout started in the summer of 2008 when I was feeling a lot better, and wanted to live more of my life than I had been able to.\u00a0 I tried to do too much (a drama project, dance camp, teaching dances to a group in the southern part of the state with some musician friends, and a visit to a friend\u2019s birthday party) at the same time I was lowering my medication under the illusion that the thyroid boost had cured my depression. I got totally exhausted and fell apart.\u00a0 My psychiatrist put me on a new, more expensive medication which later turned out to be making me nauseous, and then took a leave of absence without giving me someone else to turn to.\u00a0 It turned out to be a good thing, because my emotional anchor therapist put me in touch with a Doctor who was meticulous and patient about working with medication.\u00a0 The tricky part for me about dealing with PTSD is I can be triggered into severe depression or severe anxiety, and get fooled into thinking there\u2019s something wrong with the meds.\u00a0 Dr. Seigle was so patient, and I learned to be patient too.\u00a0 He finally got me on a combination of medications that works.\u00a0 I tried changing it and discovered very quickly that that didn\u2019t work. So I\u2019ll stick with what I have now.\u00a0 A lot of this blog, the entries from 2008 and 2009 refer to this huge cycle in my life.
\nOne big change since 2006 was that then, when I was feeling good about myself, it was my functional self, my talented, outrageous, creative, energetic self that I felt good about.\u00a0 I thought that was the \u201creal me\u201d and the depressed one was not the \u201creal me.\u201d I\u2019ve learned to accept ALL of myself, both the energetic and creative part of me, and the terrified baby part of me.\u00a0 I always felt some sort of push to prove that I deserved to live \u2014 that\u2019s part of what pushed me to do too much when I was \u201cfeeling good.\u201d Now, at last, the old push push push is gone.\u00a0 I can feel good doing \u201cnothing\u201d, I can enjoy ordinary life doing ordinary things with ordinary people.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Just got back in touch with an old friend and referred her to my blog to see what\u2019s been happening with me.\u00a0 I checked my \u201cAbout Jenny\u201d page on this blog, and found that it ends in 2006 with me … Continue reading