from my journal for Thursday, April 16<\/p>\n
3rd cup. Dandelion tea.\u00a0 <\/span>Richard Rohr says that real hope rests on a deep knowledge\u00a0 <\/span>and experience of God.\u00a0 <\/span>Because I have such a deep distrust of \u201cGod,\u201d I see that my experience of being able to trust myself, to trust that deep within me there\u2019s one who picks me up and goes on when I can\u2019t, deep within me there is one whose wisdom has been leading me \u2014 to journal, to astronomy, to stonehenge… to Kendal \u2014 even when I did not appreciate that wisdom at the time.\u00a0 <\/span>O but the Universe also sends messages, hints, leadings in the form of synchronicities, birds or rabbits appearing\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 I heard the wild geese this morning \u2014 \u201cannouncing your place in the family of things<\/a>.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I\u2019m also reading Tattoos on the Heart<\/a>, and Father G spoke to me in stories of the homies.<\/p>\n
\u201cFabian… wasn\u2019t all the abuse he had endured.\u00a0 <\/span>He was something else, astonishing and glorious.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>p103<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
From Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation<\/a> for today:<\/p>\n
We might make the following observations about this other kind of hope, which we will call mystical hope<\/i>. In contrast to our usual notions of hope:
\n1. Mystical hope is not tied to a good outcome, to the future. It lives a life of its own, seemingly without reference to external circumstances and conditions.
\n2. It has something to do with presence<\/i>\u2014not a future good outcome, but the immediate experience of being met, held in communion, by something intimately at hand.
\n3. It bears fruit within us at the psychological level in the sensations of strength, joy, and satisfaction: an \u201cunbearable lightness of being.\u201d But mysteriously, rather than deriving these gifts from outward expectations being met, it seems to produce them from within. . .<\/p><\/blockquote>\nMarch 17 \u00a0 \u00a0my notes from t<\/span>alk with Erica:<\/p>\n
The news feed not consistent. \u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\u201cI\u2019ve been through another cycle<\/a>\u201d
\n<\/span>baby can\u2019t trust parents its life dependent on
\nuntethered \u2014 my earliest intelligence \u2014
\nmy process has gone brilliantly
\nI\u2019m in freeze, that\u2019s why walking dog, doing dishes work
\ngo on & do the next right thing
\nI couldn\u2019t do my usual coping \u2014 puzzles, type
\nmy system is saying I don\u2019t want to check out
\nI want to come back into coherence
\nand back into grounded connection
\nI can trust myself<\/span>! \u00a0 <\/span>[I say with surprise and tears]<\/p><\/blockquote>\nin post for March 18<\/p>\n
My therapist pointed out that I had somehow done just the right things to bring me out of it. \u00a0The state I\u2019m in is FREEZE, because a baby can\u2019t flee or fight, and the default in that case is \u201cfreeze.\u201d \u00a0So just moving helped. \u00a0The fact that I couldn\u2019t do my usual coping activities: digital puzzles, typing journal, reading, was because I knew I couldn\u2019t check out, I had to stay present. \u00a0This hadn\u2019t been conscious, it came from deep within. \u00a0But it was the opposite of reaching for a drink. \u00a0I said to Erica, in tears, \u201cI can trust myself<\/span>.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I gathered these pieces and planned to write a summary bringing them all together. \u00a0But my writing capacity is nil right now, I’ve fallen into a place of despair, my neo-cortex is offline. \u00a0I’m triggered by overwhelm, by too much news both bad and good, I can’t handle anything right now. \u00a0So, dear reader, you get to make sense of this collection of fragments, or not. \u00a0I’ll just post it in the faith that if it doesn’t make sense, perhaps you will have a better understanding of how trauma affects the brain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
from my journal for Thursday, April 16 3rd cup. Dandelion tea.\u00a0 Richard Rohr says that real hope rests on a deep knowledge\u00a0 and experience of God.\u00a0 Because I have such a deep distrust of \u201cGod,\u201d I see that my experience … Continue reading