I have been concerned lately about what are the things I would really regret not having done if I died tomorrow. \u00a0That was the push to get me over the hump to actually write gratitude letters to people I had always meant to write, but kept putting off.<\/p>\n
Slightly edited version of what I wrote in my journal this morning.<\/p>\n
Once again Erica turned things upside down.\u00a0 <\/span>I had written my letter to Laura, but was afraid of sending for fear it would be the wrong thing.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica said when someone remembers something you said, and holds it in their heart for a long time, it gets \u201cseasoned\u201d and more valuable.\u00a0 <\/span>When you give it back, it is a great gift.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n I know the truth of this because I remember when Meaghan came and threw her arms around me and said \u201cThank you for teaching me that I could learn to dance.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>The way she expressed it, that she could learn<\/span>, it was an ever bigger gift than if she had just said \u201cteach me to dance.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I had helped her overcome some inhibition, perhaps even the result of painful criticism.\u00a0 <\/span>Learning to dance had done more for Meaghan than just acquiring a new skill, it helped her express her feminine side.\u00a0 <\/span>When I first met her, she was a \u201ctough dyke,” [please understand that I use the term affectionately] short hair, blue jeans, chain saw.\u00a0 <\/span>When I saw her at Dance Camp \u2014 by that time she had moved away from Franconia and started her own dance circle \u2014 she was wearing a long dress, her hair was long and wavy with blonde highlights (absolutely not artificial).\u00a0 <\/span>I had been watching her and thinking it was wonderful how Circle Dance had transformed Meaghan, when she came up and threw her arms around me.\u00a0 <\/span>That was how I learned that I had been part of the transformation I was admiring.\u00a0 [<\/span>Giving expression to her feminine side did not change her sexual orientation, which would never have been my agenda.]\u00a0 <\/span>But she took the ball I gave her and ran with it.\u00a0 <\/span>This woman, who had never been out of the country, got herself to Argentina to learn from Friedel Kloke-Eibl who is perhaps the greatest \u201cgrandmother\u201d of our sacred circle dance.\u00a0 <\/span>Freidel came from a ballet background, and her choreographed dances tend to be more graceful and flowing than many traditional dances.\u00a0 <\/span>I watched Meaghan teach some meditative dances at Neskaya Dance Camp, and her movements were exquisite, her face completely absorbed as though in prayer.\u00a0 <\/span>My heart feels warm just thinking about it.<\/p>\n So now I puzzle over how did this wonderful piece of feedback get through the dissociative barrier to being able to feel good about myself?\u00a0 <\/span>[which my mother called \u201cthinking you\u2019re so great\u201d]\u00a0 <\/span>I remember the time in Karen\u2019s office when I was excitedly telling her about something astronomical, and I saw the words go by, as though drawn by an airplane, \u201c… think you\u2019re so great…\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I immediately spoke back to that voice.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m<\/span> so great, I think the universe<\/span> is great.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>And I got it that Mother\u2019s attempts to shut me down happened not because I was bragging but because I was enthusiastic about something that excited me.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I\u2019m thinking that my ability to detach my mother\u2019s words from my feeling of being judged, was at least partly due to Karen.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of all the times, when I spoke about myself judgmentally, Karen would look around the room and say \u201cHow\u2019d she get in here?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>And years before that, at a women\u2019s weekend retreat, when I shared about keeping a journal, and then got hugely embarrassed about it \u2014 feeling that maybe I shouldn\u2019t have said anything \u2014 and the leader asked the group and they said they had been inspired.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember saying, in tears, \u201cYou mean it wasn\u2019t bragging?\u201d<\/p>\n What a long journey I have been on.\u00a0 <\/span>So much help along the way.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m sitting here feeling wonderful, my heart is warm and open, I\u2019m feeling gratitude for all the help, and for knowing I have helped others.<\/p>\n Some further comments:<\/p>\n The letter to Laura was a letter to a circle dance teacher to thank her for her teachings, and especially to thank her for something she had said to me<\/a> at a hard time. \u00a0My fear that I would somehow say it wrong is a basic fear that I have about saying almost anything directly to someone unless I feel very safe with them.<\/p>\n Laura Shannon has also written an article about her own experience of Trauma Healing through Communal Dance<\/a>.<\/p>\n I was unable to find information about Freidel Kloke-Eibl that was not in German, so here is a YouTube video<\/a> of a dance she choreographed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have been concerned lately about what are the things I would really regret not having done if I died tomorrow. \u00a0That was the push to get me over the hump to actually write gratitude letters to people I had … Continue reading