{"id":6530,"date":"2020-03-20T13:10:34","date_gmt":"2020-03-20T17:10:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6530"},"modified":"2020-03-20T14:24:35","modified_gmt":"2020-03-20T18:24:35","slug":"who-i-really-am-was-not-destroyed-by-ptsd","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6530","title":{"rendered":"Who I Really Am was Not Destroyed by PTSD"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Just typed this up. \u00a0It&#8217;s from my journal for February 12. \u00a0I&#8217;m writing about <a href=\"https:\/\/artistreevt.org\/living-with-loss-a-creative-approach-fall2019.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Grief Group<\/a>. \u00a0One woman, who had been horribly abused in her childhood, told us about a recent dream. \u00a0She had dreamed about all the abusive incidents, felt surrounded by them, then they began to vibrate.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Apparently icons vibrate in the process of being deleted on an iPhone.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 (I don&#8217;t have one) \u00a0<\/span>She woke up, knowing that she could delete the abuse if she wanted to.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>She asked \u201cwho would I be without it?\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>But just knowing that she could delete it, gave her a new kind of hope.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>At the time I thought \u201cWho would I be without PTSD?\u201d and felt that I didn\u2019t want to delete it.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Just now, writing about it, what came is that who I really am is still here, was never destroyed by the PTSD, but there have been confusing, dissociative barriers to my knowing that\u2019s who I am.<\/p>\n<p>This is why I keep a journal. \u00a0Retyping this made it more real for me than when I first wrote it and reminded me of an earlier post: \u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6386\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Seeing my Life Whole<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Just now I went back to typing journal, and this is what I wrote the next day (February 13):<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>I enjoyed puzzles and reading and typing.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>The weird thing about typing is, tho I\u2019m typing what I wrote a month ago, it\u2019s almost unfamiliar.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s like one person wrote it and another one is reading it.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>The only other time I remember something like that was the <a href=\"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5845\">Colonial Dames<\/a> incident, where I read my own writing and seriously wondered whether it had happened.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>I had to ask Jo.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>I wonder how much of me got stitched together in the days when I could reread my entire journal and would write in comments to my younger self.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Just typed this up. \u00a0It&#8217;s from my journal for February 12. \u00a0I&#8217;m writing about Grief Group. \u00a0One woman, who had been horribly abused in her childhood, told us about a recent dream. \u00a0She had dreamed about all the abusive incidents, &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6530\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6530"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6530\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}