From my journal:<\/p>\n
Wednesday, March 4<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling very sad and very lonely.<\/p>\n
Grief group was painful.<\/p>\n
Talked to Erica about how despairing I was feeling about what\u2019s going on in the world.\u00a0 <\/span>She was supportive, did not try to contradict me.\u00a0 <\/span>In fact she said \u201cNone of it is arguable.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>What is there that I can still do?\u00a0 <\/span>When I ask myself that, it becomes clear that the most important thing for me to do is the practice of self-compassion.\u00a0 <\/span>The first time I tried it, a while back, it went well, I felt<\/span> compassion.\u00a0 <\/span>But then it didn\u2019t happen again, and I didn\u2019t really persist in the practice.\u00a0 <\/span>Except to recite the words.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica said to recognize my good intention.\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, and I feel the softening toward myself.\u00a0 <\/span>I am so harsh<\/span> on myself.<\/p>\n
I continued to read last year\u2019s journal, but am finding it boring.\u00a0 <\/span>No clear trajectory, a lot of ups & downs, a lot of daily details.<\/p>\n
3rd cup. coffee.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m pretty totally bummed out.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s warm & windy, white clouds flying in blue sky.\u00a0 <\/span>Last time it was like that, it lifted my spirits.\u00a0 <\/span>Today I just feel sad that I can\u2019t enjoy it.\u00a0 <\/span>Reminding myself, I feel compassion for my inability to enjoy instead of anger.\u00a0 <\/span>I suppose it\u2019s a worthwhile practice.<\/p>\n
Thursday, March 5<\/p>\n
Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t remember ever feeling that level of despair.\u00a0 <\/span>I felt absolutely alone, absolutely without friends.\u00a0 <\/span>I felt totally hopeless for the world, the planetary life support system, the mass of suffering humanity.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s too late now to reverse global warming, though I think there is still a chance to slow it down.\u00a0 <\/span>I tried to find compassion for my despair, and discovered that I\u2019m really angry at myself for \u201cgiving in\u201d to despair.\u00a0 <\/span>So then there was nothing I could do but repeat the prayer \u201cMay I be held in compassion.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Later today, I realized I had been angry at myself under all my efforts at self-compassion. \u00a0I also had in my head lines from Loreena McKennittt<\/a> singing Yeats’ poem The Two Trees<\/a>.<\/p>\n
The changing colors of its fruit\/dowered the stars with merry light<\/em>
\nThe surety of its hidden root\/ is planted quiet in the night…<\/em><\/p>\nAll things turn to barrenness\/in the dim glass the demons hold<\/em>
\nThe glass of our utter weariness\/made when God slept in times of old…<\/em><\/p>\nThe two things that were most significant were recognizing that under the despair was anger at myself for being so useless, and that the words of the song were powerful: “The surety of the hidden root” and the demons’ mirror. \u00a0Thinking of what they meant I saw that the hidden root was in the “real” world, but the barrenness was in the mirror. \u00a0So when the lines about barrenness started in my mind, I made the effort to change back to “The surety of its hidden root..” \u00a0I had to keep making the effort over and over. \u00a0It felt like it was the only thing I could do, and I had no sense of anything real happening.<\/p>\n
Telling my friend Elizabeth about this, she reminded me that the demon’s mirror was my mother, who totally mis-represented me to myself. \u00a0That helped break the spell, and then I can see all kinds of things. \u00a0I believe that if I can’t “feel” compassion, my practice isn’t working. \u00a0I fail to see that the practice is working just fine. \u00a0That’s what a practice is<\/strong>. \u00a0Something you repeat, not asking that it make any difference, trusting that your good intention is what’s important. \u00a0How easy it is for me to be angry at myself for something I can’t change and not notice it. \u00a0“You just want to be miserable<\/a>.”<\/p>\n
The old old beliefs that are still my “default” setting. \u00a0God is “Capricious, malicious, and willful<\/a>.” \u00a0If I can’t do it, it won’t happen. \u00a0I don’t deserve to live<\/a>. \u00a0Of course I’m angry at myself for not being able to do something I actually can’t do \u2014 because “My expectations of myself are reasonable, and I am bad if I don’t carry them out, and if I don’t do them right I will be cast into outer darkness” … or, “Sent back to Sears & Roebucks<\/a>.”<\/p>\n
Added today, March 6: I read this over and see that it fails to convey how lost and disconnected I really felt. \u00a0In fact, now that I’m out of it, I can’t even remember what it was like, but reading my first words “very sad and very lonely” I wonder what’s the big deal. \u00a0I feel like that a lot. \u00a0But this was not like anything I’ve ever felt before. \u00a0My best guess is that I’m experiencing what it was like to be left alone when I was an infant, without words, without the ability to move my body across the mattress in the crib, unable to feed myself or take care of myself in any way. \u00a0That level of despair is a terrible blankness, there’s not even fear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal: Wednesday, March 4 I\u2019m feeling very sad and very lonely. Grief group was painful. Talked to Erica about how despairing I was feeling about what\u2019s going on in the world.\u00a0 She was supportive, did not try to … Continue reading