I’ve been reading through my blog from the very beginning. \u00a0I am once again in the 12 year cycle, at a time when Jupiter in the sky is opposed Jupiter’s position when I was born. \u00a0Ever since 1972 I have had a breakdown every 12 years, and I have worried about 2020 for a long time. \u00a0I am going through a strange time right now, but I think it’s actually a process toward a new stage of health. \u00a0Can’t tell yet.<\/p>\n
I went back to my journal for 2008 and pulled out entries that seemed to relate to the breakdown. \u00a0I had hoped to be able to write a commentary that would explain what was going on, but I am finding verbal comment to be very difficult at this time. \u00a0Here are the entries:<\/p>\n
Saturday, August 9<\/p>\n
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I\u2019m tired and bummed out.\u00a0 <\/span>All the talk around me has been of people struggling with unfair governmental, bureaucratic, societal practices, and people who are too numb to care or fight about it.\u00a0 <\/span>Please help me.<\/p>\n
Dear Jenny, we love you.\u00a0 <\/span>The real world is much bigger than the human world of misery and grief.\u00a0 <\/span>There are stars and planets, mountains and oceans, trees growing and rain falling.\u00a0 <\/span>Millions of organisms going about their business.\u00a0 <\/span>And many humans of courage and compassion doing their best: The Dalai Lama, Joanna Macy, Al Gore, and many many others \u201cunder the radar.\u201d There are also ranks upon ranks of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Angels and Devas and Nature spirits, all watching over your planet with love, encouraging growth and health and compassion.\u00a0 <\/span>You are not alone, dear, you are profoundly accompanied and watched over by many spirits.\u00a0 <\/span>Relax.\u00a0 <\/span>All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.<\/p>\n
Wednesday, August 13<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling pretty completely bummed out.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve decided to raise my meds.\u00a0 <\/span>Took 25 right away.<\/p>\n
etty<\/a>: \u201cI try to look things straight in the face, even the worst crimes, and to discover the small, naked human being amid the monstrous wreckage caused by man\u2019s senseless deeds.\u201d<\/p>\n
Friday, August 15 \u00a0 <\/span>posted on March 29, 2010<\/a><\/p>\n
I\u2019m finding it hard to accept that I need to keep taking 50mg imipramine just to be able to keep going.\u00a0 <\/span>It feels like such a defeat, such a proof that I\u2019m a weakling.\u00a0 <\/span>I was so proud that all my hard work in S.E. had brought me to a place where it was possible to have the experience of what it would be like to live a \u201creal life.\u201d But I can\u2019t stay at that level.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t have the strength, and I don\u2019t have the support of a community.\u00a0 <\/span>So I blame myself for not having what it takes.\u00a0 <\/span>But do I blame someone struggling with poverty for not having \u201cwhat it takes\u201d, not being willing to work hard?\u00a0 <\/span>No, because I know that the mechanics of Western Industrial Culture have made poverty inevitable.\u00a0 <\/span>Just as the same mechanics have meant that large numbers of us, struggling with invisible childhood wounds, have been unable to live out our real potential for creating a healthy and sustainable society.\u00a0 <\/span>So, despite having been born with \u201call the advantages\u201d I too am one of \u201cthe poor.\u201d<\/p>\n
Monday, August 18<\/p>\n
Wounded too badly to live.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m sitting here looking at the broken pieces of my life and acknowledging that I don\u2019t have what it takes to pull it together and to even live a little of that wild, wide, and creative life that I think I had the capacity for.\u00a0 <\/span>Though who knows, maybe I\u2019m wrong.\u00a0 <\/span>But I feel a tremendous pressure of unlived life inside me \u2014 that led me to the Nia training<\/a> and the drama project<\/a> \u2014 but I don\u2019t have the physical strength and psychological robustness to keep going, to make up new Nia choreographies, etc.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t have the base of support \u2014 a community of like-minded friends, some way to have meals be easier.\u00a0 <\/span>Without that greater level of support, I don\u2019t see how to live that bigger life \u2014 but without some aspect of that bigger life, why go on?\u00a0 <\/span>Why go on fighting the daily battles: to get food, to walk the dog, to deal with the bureaucracy, to keep up the house, etc?\u00a0 <\/span>Only if it could support a life worth living.<\/p>\n
Wednesday, August 20<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve stopped trying.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel completely defeated by life.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m on a death march, and I want to keep going as well as I can, to strengthen my comrades, or at least not be a nuisance, but to stop fighting the inevitable.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s so funny, I was so proud of myself for being a fighter, for keeping going despite all the odds, and to arrive at a brief flowering of what my life might have been.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m glad I had that experience, I\u2019m glad to know that what I always thought was possible, and kept striving for, is real.\u00a0 <\/span>But I see that I can\u2019t sustain it by my own efforts, and that I don\u2019t have enough support in my life for that level of good living to be sustained.\u00a0 <\/span>It takes everything I\u2019ve got just to keep going, to keep feeding myself, walking the dog, and honoring my commitments.\u00a0 <\/span>At least I feel strengthened, that I can\/will keep going as best I can.<\/p>\n
Thursday, August 28<\/p>\n
Took 100 mg last night.\u00a0 <\/span>Woke after 3 in a state of complete self-hatred, frozen self-rejection.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been praying for help but have no sense of anything but cold stony indifference.\u00a0 <\/span>I listened to both Sharon Salzberg<\/a> CDs, tried to feel compassion for myself, prayed for compassion for myself.<\/p>\n
I keep thinking \u201cI just want to die.\u201d Then I say No\u2014 I want life to be easier.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to be in touch with the sacred.\u00a0 <\/span>And I want to have compassion for myself \u2014 my poor foolish arrogant stupid self who wanted to have more and wrecked what she had.\u00a0 <\/span>Wanted more excitement in my life & got overtired.\u00a0 <\/span>And am finding it incredibly difficult to forgive myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Tho maybe I just got there \u2014 imagined I was somebody else and how bad they would feel, and then something softened.\u00a0 <\/span>There, there, dear, you didn\u2019t mean to do it.<\/p>\n
Still doing very badly.\u00a0 <\/span>My brain isn\u2019t working well enough to make the computer solitaire work as a distraction.<\/p>\n
Friday, August 29<\/p>\n
Woke early & used the Salzberg CD.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Felt a level of frozen despair I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever felt before.\u00a0 <\/span>At first I tried to avoid it, but then tried to be with it.\u00a0 <\/span>It doesn\u2019t last, comes and goes.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cMay I be free of suffering.\u00a0 <\/span>May I be filled with loving kindness.\u201d It makes sense that this is the way a baby would feel when it\u2019s been left alone too long.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s a kind of ultimate helplessness.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel like I\u2019ll never move again.\u00a0 <\/span>Sitting here trying to describe it, I felt a momentary movement of compassion for the baby that happened to, then I\u2019m back to being completely swallowed up by her suffering.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, September 2<\/p>\n
I emailed Kevin to get an appt with Caryn for Somatic Experiencing.\u00a0 <\/span>I see Karen today thank goodness.\u00a0 <\/span>I suppose I\u2019d better call Dr. L & ask about taking buspar.\u00a0 <\/span>I read through the first part of 2007 and it looks like the first 3 months were pretty rocky.\u00a0 <\/span>I was struggling with depression and terror.\u00a0 <\/span>I got up to 175 mg imipramine and 20 buspar.\u00a0 <\/span>But I can\u2019t tell from my journal if it actually helped. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
I also checked the Ephemeris: Jupiter is in Capricorn, Rx.\u00a0 <\/span>It was also there in \u201896 and in \u201884.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s really fascinating.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s a lot about this current bout of terror that reminds me of \u201896.<\/p>\n
Saturday, September 6<\/p>\n
Doing very badly.\u00a0 <\/span>Anxiety pretty bad, brain not working very well.\u00a0 <\/span>I come out of it, sort of, when I have something very straightforward to do like going to the dump.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m wondering how the hell I\u2019m going to get thru the next 9 days until my next appointment with Caryn.\u00a0 <\/span>I looked at two books L had, but they\u2019re too grown up for the state I\u2019m in.\u00a0 <\/span>It feels almost like a story of an alien species, and I get waves of despair and terror.\u00a0 <\/span>Fortunately the despair doesn\u2019t last long.\u00a0 <\/span>But the terror just doesn\u2019t calm down.<\/p>\n
Sunday, September 7<\/p>\n
It\u2019s pretty clear that I\u2019m going through a PTSD replay of the Paxil episode in \u201896<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>If I can get in to see either Dave or Caryn or both, I think I can make it to the 15th.\u00a0 <\/span>Otherwise I may be looking at hospitalization.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>Unfortunately the triggers are fear, being alone, and medication.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, September 9<\/p>\n
I feel the hot electrical zingy fear and then there\u2019s the cold strangling nauseous fear.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s what I felt with Karen, that awful lost fear of the baby.<\/p>\n
There, there, Little One, I\u2019m glad you\u2019ve waked up in my life.\u00a0 <\/span>It wasn\u2019t fair what they did to you.\u00a0 <\/span>You deserved better than that.\u00a0 <\/span>You deserved to be cherished and nurtured and comforted when you were hurt or scared.<\/p>\n
To give an image to the fear: I\u2019m all alone in a bleak landscape.\u00a0 <\/span>There is no food or water.\u00a0 <\/span>There is no one to help me.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s the end of the world.\u00a0 <\/span>How horrible.\u00a0 <\/span>And that\u2019s what mom let me feel because she couldn\u2019t be bothered, or she was drunk, or she thought it was OK to let me cry.\u00a0 <\/span>I deserved better than that.<\/p>\n
Friday, September 19<\/p>\n
Slept hardly at all, 2 hrs before midnight but nothing after that.\u00a0 <\/span>Anxiety has spiralled out of control.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m too exhausted to do any of my coping strategies \u2014 EFT, yoga breathing.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t even read.\u00a0 <\/span>I left a message for Dr. L asking her to prescribe Ativan \u2014 since I know I\u2019m OK with it.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t dare try anything new.\u00a0 <\/span>I think what\u2019s happening is flashbacks to the Paxil episode.<\/p>\n
4:30 Emergency appt with Dr. L.\u00a0 <\/span>Gene drove me.\u00a0 Dr.\u00a0<\/span>L gave me some seroquel and a prescription for ativan.\u00a0 <\/span>The seroquel certainly calmed me down but I got scared again when L gave me her take on it: she thinks my medication is not working for me, and I\u2019ll need to find something new \u2014 a hospital would be the best place.<\/p>\n
I quit this morning.\u00a0 <\/span>Just gave up the struggle and put myself in the hands of\u00a0 <\/span>…\u00a0 <\/span>whoever.\u00a0 <\/span>Fortunately I did get ahold of Dr. L and she seemed able to help.\u00a0 <\/span>At least I did feel contained talking to her, and even after I left.<\/p>\n
Saturday, September 20<\/p>\n
Checking Jupiter opposition Jupiter in Robert Hand \u2014 says it\u2019s basically a good transit but with warnings not to overdo, not to take on too much, and a reference to \u201crestlessness\u201d, to feeling the \u201ceveryday world not \u2018big\u2019 enough\u201d which could lead to a danger of overdoing which is just what I did.\u00a0 <\/span>sigh.<\/p>\n
Just out of curiosity, Jupiter was at 18\u00b0 Capricorn for the first time back in March.\u00a0 <\/span>That was the week I was at Kripalu for Ingrid Bacci and Kali woke up<\/a>.<\/p>\n
Monday, September 29<\/p>\n
Work with Caryn was fascinating.\u00a0 <\/span>I started by crying, and then shaking, and then talking about my fears about my dog who has a bladder infection.\u00a0 <\/span>She said it was too much, to stop piling it on and connect with resources, with the present moment, location etc.\u00a0 <\/span>So I did that and then my shoulders kept jumping\/discharging while I was aware of my lower body containing and grounding me, and also being able to talk to Caryn about all kinds of things.\u00a0 <\/span>Nia, the drama workshop, Journey<\/a>, the fall from the ladder, my pain about never really being part of theater.\u00a0 <\/span>The warrior reappeared (with 6-pack abs!) Kali reappeared, the articulate spokesperson for the journey women appeared.\u00a0 <\/span>Caryn suggested I find a story to reframe what happened at the Nia training \u2014 the fall and not being able to insist on what I needed \u2014 but I couldn\u2019t quite do it \u2014 it feels like the pieces are still moving and not yet ready to integrate.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m being OK with the slight discomfort of that.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, September 30<\/p>\n
Another interesting piece from the work with Caryn \u2014 I was talking about how the drama project had been disappointing, how there is no way to show what it\u2019s like to live with PTSD.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I said maybe a movie could do it, I\u2019d be walking down the streets in Littleton and suddenly it becomes a battlefield: grey, dark, ruined buildings, burning cars, dead bodies…\u00a0 <\/span>She asked how did my body feel and I realized there was a sort of layer of greyness, like grey armor, down the whole front of my body \u2014 beyond it was the battlefield \u2014 but at the same time I was aware of my body in the corner of the room, pressed into the cushions, the floor, and the walls, held securely in present time.<\/p>\n
I talked a bit about the scientist, my search for truth, my training in paradigm shift \u2014 Caryn said I was building bridges between the trauma vortex and the present.\u00a0 <\/span>Certainly I am much more present than I was the first time I saw her.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m also back in touch with many resources that I just couldn\u2019t find when things were really bad.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Found this in a more recent blog post. \u00a0It’s a good description of the process delineated in the above excerpts:<\/p>\n
In the late spring of 2007 I was feeling pretty good about myself.\u00a0 I\u2019d had some big successes.\u00a0 But I did too much, got exhausted, once again tried to get off medication, and plunged down into a pit of terror and despair that was worse than it had ever been.\u00a0 It took me a year and a half to climb back out and it was hard work.\u00a0 That struggle appears in many entries in this blog.\u00a0 I finally learned to love myself even when I was too depressed to cope with daily living and had to ask my friends for help making meals and walking the dog. \u00a0 posted on April 22, 2010<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve been reading through my blog from the very beginning. \u00a0I am once again in the 12 year cycle, at a time when Jupiter in the sky is opposed Jupiter’s position when I was born. \u00a0Ever since 1972 I have … Continue reading