(Written in August 2005)
\nI was thinking about the line from Mary Oliver: \u201cwhat will you do with your one wild and precious life?\u201d and how it always makes me feel bad, like I have wasted mine.\u00a0 Well, have I wasted it?\u00a0 I think she\u2019s talking to people who\u2019ve lived small conventional lives, lives of denial.\u00a0 And what about lives of greed and power and cruelty?\u00a0 If my life has been narrow, if I\u2019ve failed to live as wide and wild and courageous and generous and creative a life as I would have liked to, and as I think I had the talent and capacity for, it\u2019s not because I was weak and cowardly but because I was up against major damage I couldn\u2019t even see.\u00a0 And I have taken a stand for truth, for justice, for peace, I have fought against oppression, I have spoken out for the disadvantaged.\u00a0 I have devoted money time and energy to good causes.\u00a0 I have supported friends, sometimes at cost to myself.\u00a0 I have done my best to love unconditionally and to live with integrity.<\/p>\n
(Written in May 2006)
\nIt\u2019s hard to hold the sadness \u2014 because I don\u2019t think I have \u201cgood reason\u201d for it.\u00a0 So I\u2019m slightly angry\/disappointed, slightly invalidating.\u00a0 \u201cI wanted so much and I never got any of it.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m capable of living passionately, and never got the opportunity.\u201d\u00a0 What have I done with my one wild and precious life?\u00a0 I\u2019ve labored hard in a narrow but deep field.\u00a0 I\u2019ve done my best to love what\u2019s been given me, to create beauty, to create nourishing experiences for the soul.\u00a0 A lot of passion has gone into working to heal myself, to heal others, to understand, to find compassion.\u00a0 A lot of passion has gone into fighting pollution and injustice, has gone into efforts to make the world a better place.<\/p>\n
(Written in July 2006) Reading 1991 is fascinating and painful.\u00a0 Detailed descriptions of dreams, of process work with Doug, of the breathwork group.\u00a0 I\u2019m not reading every word \u2014 partly seeing how much effort I\u2019m putting into intellectual understanding, which doesn\u2019t change the important things at all.\u00a0 I\u2019m not yet on medication \u2014 not even considering it, I have no idea about the Post-traumatic Stress or the low thyroid \u2014 and I\u2019m fighting as hard as I can.\u00a0 I have a lot more respect for myself, for my strength and persistence.\u00a0 What did you do with your one wild and precious life?\u00a0 I fought like a demon against the forces of oppression.\u00a0 Not a wasted life at all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in August 2005) I was thinking about the line from Mary Oliver: \u201cwhat will you do with your one wild and precious life?\u201d and how it always makes me feel bad, like I have wasted mine.\u00a0 Well, have I … Continue reading
\nI got out the 1991 journal because there were some references to Perelandra in the beginning of the year.\u00a0 I was hoping to find something about my first experiences with the MAP program – but I must have written that in a different notebook and I destroyed all those pages a while ago.\u00a0 There was a lot going on: Journey into Courage<\/a>, I was seeing Doug for Process work, struggling with depression and terror.\u00a0 I\u2019m surprised at the intensity and passion with which I wrote.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t sound like the grey depressed life I\u2019ve been imagining.\u00a0 On the other hand, there\u2019s a lot of pain and struggle.\u00a0 There are also learnings that I think I\u2019ll be able to act on right away.\u00a0 I\u2019m working with the issue of trying to keep rigid control over myself and seeing that a looser, more open way would be healthier, if scary.\u00a0 My first sense on reading my enthusiastic writing about this new learning is discouragement \u2014 God! I keep learning the same damn things over and over.\u00a0 But I see now that intellectual learning is only the beginning.\u00a0 Learning how to let go of rigid control and allow the pieces to find their own way is a long process, it has to gradually sink in, penetrate and loosen and change layer after layer.\u00a0 In 1991 I had no idea how strong were the forces holding the rigid systems in place.<\/p>\n