{"id":6404,"date":"2019-12-10T14:04:12","date_gmt":"2019-12-10T19:04:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6404"},"modified":"2019-12-30T12:03:39","modified_gmt":"2019-12-30T17:03:39","slug":"spending-time-at-the-bottom-of-the-pit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6404","title":{"rendered":"Spending Time at the Bottom of the Pit"},"content":{"rendered":"

Friday morning, November 29, I watched a Dan Siegel talk on \u201cPresence, Parenting, and Planet<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>It was great.\u00a0 <\/span>It was easy to see why I\u2019ve had such a struggle.\u00a0 <\/span>Neither Mom nor Dad was capable of being present.\u00a0 <\/span>I was not seen, I was not soothed, I was not safe, I never felt secure \u2014 until I got here.\u00a0 <\/span>I never felt really seen<\/span>, until Erica started giving me feedback.\u00a0 <\/span>I still have trouble self-regulating, but I can see that I\u2019m much better than I was.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of the two weeks of terror in February of 1971<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cSelf-regulation\u201d is being able to calm yourself down after being triggered into a state of terror.\u00a0 <\/span>Those two weeks were so bad because I was in the house where I grew up, with my parents, and I was unable to self-regulate.<\/p>\n

my notes from the talk:
\nRelationship \u2014 soothing \u2014 changes the structure of the brain so we can self-regulate
\nChild needs to be seen, soothed, and safe to develop security, which is foundation for resilience
\nPresence of the parent\u2019s mind is the predictor of the four S\u2019s
\nDifficulty reasoning under stress is related to \u201cdisorganized attachment\u201d
\nwhich happens when the child is terrified by the parent.
\n\u201cDisorganized attachment\u201d makes it difficult to have rewarding relationships.<\/p>\n

\u201cDisorganized attachment\u201d is what I suffer from.<\/p>\n

I told Erica I\u2019d started reading Mindsight<\/a>, but couldn\u2019t keep going, made me feel too damaged. \u00a0She connected the title of the book with my diagnosis of macular degeneration. I am really upset about it, but not letting myself feel it. \u00a0Seeing is a portal to relationality, something I have a very hard time with. \u00a0My \u201caddiction of choice\u201d is reading \u2014 I feel safe when I’m able to lose myself in a book. \u00a0The possibility of not being able to read evokes vulnerability and tenderness, specially around intimacy. \u00a0I tell Erica that I\u2019m isolating, I let myself do it, but still think I\u2019m wrong or weak to do it.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica says no, I\u2019m protecting myself from the fear of not connecting. \u00a0This continues to be a very difficult subject for me. \u00a0I feel like a total failure at relating to people, I feel like I have been damaged too much to be able to heal.<\/p>\n

Richard Rohr\u2019s meditation for Sunday, December 8<\/a> is about addiction.\u00a0 <\/span>I see that I am addicted to seeing myself as bad beyond redemption.\u00a0 <\/span>Of course, when I am in this place, it\u2019s impossible to get in touch with \u201cGod\u201d or to believe that I might have some unique reason to be here, and that being my Self helps the planet as a whole. I did, sometime this morning, despite my sense of total worthlessness, see\/feel that people could still love me.<\/p>\n

Another quote from Rohr: \u201cSome form of alternative consciousness is the only freedom from this self and from cultural lies.\u201d<\/p>\n

Earlier in the week, I read my early journal, all the terrible emotional stuff that happened when I went to California and started trying to have relationships with boys.\u00a0 <\/span>I think that brought me down to the bottom of the pit\u00a0of \u201cbad beyond redemption.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I realize this is where the need to prove that I deserve to live<\/a> is rooted.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>I thought about all the other people who feel this way, and I went down to the bottom of the pit and sat there in the darkness with them.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I decided to go down there and sit with younger Jenny, just be with her, tell her I know what she\u2019s going through. \u00a0This continues to feel like the right thing to do for the rest of the day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Friday morning, November 29, I watched a Dan Siegel talk on \u201cPresence, Parenting, and Planet.\u201d\u00a0 It was great.\u00a0 It was easy to see why I\u2019ve had such a struggle.\u00a0 Neither Mom nor Dad was capable of being present.\u00a0 I was … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6404","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6404","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6404"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6404\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6404"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6404"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6404"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}