{"id":6396,"date":"2019-11-28T09:43:20","date_gmt":"2019-11-28T14:43:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6396"},"modified":"2019-11-28T09:43:20","modified_gmt":"2019-11-28T14:43:20","slug":"thanksgiving-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6396","title":{"rendered":"Thanksgiving"},"content":{"rendered":"

Today is Thanksgiving, and I was thinking how I\u2019m thankful for so many things, but I\u2019m not feeling gratitude for the headache I woke up with, or for the trouble with my eyes.\u00a0 <\/span>It reminds me of a letter to Mimi written on Thanksgiving when I wasn\u2019t thankful.\u00a0 <\/span>I was seventeen, and my first journal<\/a> was a series of letters to an imaginary Mimi.<\/p>\n

Thursday, 26 November<\/p>\n

Dear Mimi,<\/p>\n

Today is Thanksgiving Day, but I can’t think of anything to be thankful for.\u00a0 <\/span>It’s awful to be so unhappy all the time.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel constricted and grey in my chest and I feel as though I’ll never be happy again.\u00a0 <\/span>I can’t even be thankful for a cherry colored sunset because even that thought does not open up my heart.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to write poetry but I’m too discouraged, dried up inside, to do anything.\u00a0 <\/span>Daddy says I’m unhappy because I want to be but I hate being miserable.\u00a0 <\/span>I can’t figure out whether it’s because of Don or because I am utterly incapable of being normal and healthy and happy.\u00a0 <\/span>Someday \u2014 I guess \u2014 but someday seems so far off.\u00a0 <\/span>Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day unto the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays light fools the way to dusty death.\u00a0 <\/span>Out, out, brief candle!\u00a0 <\/span>Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.\u00a0 <\/span>We are all lost here on this rock, that goes around the sun without meaning.\u00a0 <\/span>O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.\u00a0 <\/span>I shall always be a borrower and that hurts too.\u00a0 <\/span>Why can I not create in any medium?\u00a0 <\/span>Why, why, why?\u00a0 <\/span>Why am I so discouraged that I can’t work and don’t care about college or the future or anything?\u00a0 <\/span>It all seems so hopeless.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish I could go crazy or get sick or something.\u00a0 <\/span>For a girl who wants to do everything all the way or not at all, it’s awfully frustrating to be continually forced into the middle.<\/p>\n

Yours in misery,<\/p>\n

Jenny<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This letter is a good example of what it’s like to live with severe depression. \u00a0It also records my father saying something really damaging. \u00a0If I’m miserable “because I want to be,” then how can I change it? \u00a0When all my efforts don’t work, I conclude that I must want it, which is a pernicious lie. \u00a0It just leaves me feeling angry at myself and helpless, both of which contribute to keeping me depressed.<\/p>\n

There are three quotes. \u00a0The long one, beginning “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…” is from MacBeth<\/a>. \u00a0“We are all lost here in this rock…” is from Lost in the Stars<\/a>. \u00a0“O lost and by the wind grieved ghost…” is Thomas Wolfe<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is Thanksgiving, and I was thinking how I\u2019m thankful for so many things, but I\u2019m not feeling gratitude for the headache I woke up with, or for the trouble with my eyes.\u00a0 It reminds me of a letter to … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-journal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6396","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6396"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6396\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6396"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6396"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6396"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}