{"id":6349,"date":"2019-09-24T07:37:06","date_gmt":"2019-09-24T11:37:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6349"},"modified":"2019-09-24T07:37:06","modified_gmt":"2019-09-24T11:37:06","slug":"needing-to-make-things-safe-for-the-baby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6349","title":{"rendered":"Needing to make things safe for the baby"},"content":{"rendered":"

From my journal for September 23
\nThinking about trying to tell my insistent friend why I can\u2019t just switch to eating Vegan when I agree that it\u2019s best for the planet, best for the animals.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been struggling to understand why I feel such extreme reluctance to change how I choose what to eat.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s the baby in me who needs to have food be safe, and I have no idea what represents \u201csafe\u201d to her.\u00a0 <\/span>I have been noticing my reluctance to try new things \u2014 this is recently.\u00a0 <\/span>I used to periodically walk further along the second floor before I went down to the first, or I\u2019d go down the first elevator\/stairs.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m not sure when it became important to go down by the card room every time.\u00a0 <\/span>I just noticed it, didn\u2019t do anything about it.\u00a0 <\/span>When I was first here I was more willing to explore things.\u00a0 <\/span>But I think the baby is being more insistent on taking up more of my life.\u00a0 <\/span>It makes sense that, being here at Kendal, and finally feeling safe from being \u201csent back to Sears & Roebucks<\/a>,\u201d the baby said \u201cnow\u2019s my chance to be heard\u201d and started taking over more of my life.\u00a0 <\/span>I imagined, when I came here, that I would be able to have a \u201creal life,\u201d that I would be able to teach folk dance and astronomy, that I would go on hikes and snowshoe \u2014 and none of it happened.\u00a0 <\/span>My body behaved like Mocha, stubbornly sitting down and refusing to go where \u201cI\u201d wanted her to go.\u00a0 <\/span>A sprained ankle, a hurt back, extreme tiredness all slowed me way down.<\/p>\n

3rd cup.\u00a0 <\/span>Yesterday morning, I was feeling shaky, there were even times at the Meetinghouse where I thought I would lose my balance and fall.\u00a0 <\/span>After crying with Bev & Dulany, I thought the best remedy for the blues is caffeine & chocolate.\u00a0 <\/span>So, feeling rebellious, I had a cup of coffee and a brownie.\u00a0 <\/span>I thought my tongue would hurt more, but it didn\u2019t.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Bev & Dulany are two people I feel safe with. \u00a0When Bev asked how I was, I said OK, and she said “You’re not OK,” and I started to cry. \u00a0I thought I was being perverse to reach for coffee and chocolate, but I did feel better. \u00a0Of course it’s possible that having a good cry is what worked.<\/p>\n

One result of eating sugar is that I get sores on my tongue. \u00a0I already had one, so eating a brownie was not a good idea.<\/p>\n

I also saw, that when I wanted to finish my will and tax stuff, I just did the minimum.\u00a0 <\/span>Didn\u2019t find\u00a0 <\/span>& add up the cost for medication, which I can deduct.\u00a0 <\/span>I did go over the will, but I didn\u2019t mark things I wanted to have explained, and ask my lawyer to explain.\u00a0 <\/span>This is very \u201cirresponsible\u201d of me, but I think the baby\u2019s welfare is more important.<\/p>\n

Baby: “How can you think about death?\u00a0 <\/span>I never got a life!!”\u00a0 <\/span>I know, Sweetie.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 <\/span>I did my best and it wasn\u2019t good enough.\u00a0 <\/span>You nearly died as a baby.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A quote from an interview of Bessel van der Kolk, posted on Daily Good<\/a>:
\nDr. van der Kolk:<\/b>\u00a0Trauma is something that overwhelms your coping capacities and confronts you with the thought: \u201cOh my God, it\u2019s all over, and there\u2019s nothing I can do. I\u2019m done for. I may as well die.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From my journal for September 23 Thinking about trying to tell my insistent friend why I can\u2019t just switch to eating Vegan when I agree that it\u2019s best for the planet, best for the animals.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been struggling to understand … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6349","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6349","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6349"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6349\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6349"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6349"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6349"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}