Journal for Thursday, August 1<\/p>\n
3rd cup of tea:\u00a0 <\/span>It was beautiful outside when I walked Mocha, cool, sunny, sparkling.\u00a0 <\/span>But I could not experience it.\u00a0 <\/span>This mood doesn\u2019t have the weight of depression, it\u2019s more a sense of why bother? why bother to cook and eat?\u00a0 <\/span>Well, I have to do that to walk the dog, and I do care about the dog, even though I\u2019m almost ready to say I don\u2019t give a damn about anything else.\u00a0 <\/span>But that\u2019s not true.\u00a0 <\/span>I do care about elephants, I do care about people who are refugees from violence, who have nothing to eat, I do care that the oceans are clogged and strangled with plastic…\u00a0 <\/span>I care about all of it, but I can\u2019t do anything about it.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel totally helpless, and worthless, a miserable blot on the beauty of the earth.\u00a0 <\/span>But then I think that I\u2019m not the only blot.\u00a0 <\/span>True, but it\u2019s also true that I have no excuse.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m safe here, have food, shelter, am well taken care of, not targeted by Trump and his SS.\u00a0 <\/span>But I see that the system that grinds down those who they\u2019ve declared dispensable, has also ground me down.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m reading \u201cGod So Loved the World\u201d and I just got to the Crucifixion, to the cry of \u201cMy God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me!\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, that\u2019s where I am now.\u00a0 <\/span>Forsaken by God.\u00a0 <\/span>Rejected by God.\u00a0 <\/span>Useless.\u00a0 <\/span>Nothing to give.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“God So Loved the World” is the life of Jesus, told by Elizabeth Goudge<\/a>.<\/p>\n
I read through the bits of my blog, where I say I am a shaman<\/a>, and my work in the underworld is valuable to the whole<\/a>, and I wonder who she\u2019s talking about.\u00a0 <\/span>Not me.<\/p>\n
Am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself?\u00a0 <\/span>No, it\u2019s more a kind of hopeless anger \u2014 no use being angry at her, she\u2019s not worth the energy.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not like she could make something of herself if I gave her a kick.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t find any compassion for her.\u00a0 <\/span>She thought she was so great.\u00a0 <\/span>What an asshole.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Asshole” is not a word I use. \u00a0Not sure which part of me is using it. \u00a0I guess it’s the part of me that refuses to do something someone suggests to me that will help me, that sounds like a good suggestion, and inside I feel the closing down and backing up, so I say “No,” feeling like a bad person. \u00a0No. \u00a0I’m tired of the struggle.<\/p>\n
An attempt to do something practical.\u00a0 <\/span>Deal with the mail, pay bills.\u00a0 <\/span>I open a Calendar from the African Wildlife people<\/a>, there\u2019s a picture of elephants on the front, I throw away the request for money and I start to cry.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t have the money, they will keep me here even after I run out of money, but it feels wrong to take advantage of their generosity and spend more than I absolutely have to.\u00a0 <\/span>O gosh I feel so trapped.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I sent a good sized check a while back, to help train people and dogs to track and stop poachers. \u00a0I love elephants, I consider them intelligent and caring, and better “people” than human people. \u00a0Some of this I learned from Deena Metzger<\/a>.<\/p>\n
As a result of revisiting my reverence for Elephant People, I signed up for a monthly gift to the African Wildlife Foundation. \u00a0I feel a little better, but I have tears in my eyes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Journal for Thursday, August 1 3rd cup of tea:\u00a0 It was beautiful outside when I walked Mocha, cool, sunny, sparkling.\u00a0 But I could not experience it.\u00a0 This mood doesn\u2019t have the weight of depression, it\u2019s more a sense of why … Continue reading