{"id":6225,"date":"2019-07-26T07:31:43","date_gmt":"2019-07-26T11:31:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6225"},"modified":"2019-08-03T16:49:20","modified_gmt":"2019-08-03T20:49:20","slug":"trying-to-figure-out-why-i-got-so-terrified","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6225","title":{"rendered":"Trying to Figure out WHY I Got So Terrified"},"content":{"rendered":"

Excerpts from my journal trying to understand about the terrified feeling, what triggered it, why it seemed different from how it has happened before. \u00a0The last time I felt that kind of terror was when I flew to California<\/a> for the Francis Weller workshop.<\/p>\n

Tuesday, July 16<\/p>\n

The cloud cover is thin, so the sun is watery when it\u2019s out. It would be nice to sit on the porch, but I feel too fragile. I\u2019ve begun to notice how much my behavior is restricted by the need to feel safe. That wasn\u2019t true for a big part of my life. I wonder when it started? Possibly 1984 and the diagnosis of systemic yeast. Maybe it\u2019s only since I started paying attention to inner signals. I\u2019m reminded of the boundary exercise I did with Dave, where I let him right through my boundary and wouldn\u2019t have noticed it if he hadn\u2019t pointed it out.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Systemic yeast requires a very strict diet. \u00a0I remember that I couldn’t drink black tea or herb teas. \u00a0One tea that was “safe” was Kukicha Twig Tea. \u00a0I wasn’t supposed to eat dairy food, so I used soy milk. \u00a0For a long time Kukicha and soy felt safe to me. \u00a0I actually forgot to take any on that trip to see my siblings, and was upset when I realized it.<\/p>\n

The boundary exercise was with Dave Berger, an S.E. practitioner. \u00a0He asked me to stop him when I wanted to and started walking toward me. \u00a0When he was about 18″ away, I held up my hand. \u00a0He said “It should have been back there,” and indicated a place about 3 feet further away. \u00a0As soon as he moved his hand, I remembered that I had felt something when he was there, but I hadn’t paid attention to it, and would have totally forgotten it if he hadn’t pointed it out.<\/p>\n

So tired. or bleak. or something. Brain is flat.<\/p>\n

Talk with Erica:
\ntell Erica about seeing motive of needing to be safe
\nexperiencing exhaustion \u2014> despair in B.P.
\nNow that I\u2019ve slept, I don\u2019t feel physically exhausted but I do feel \u00a0 \u00a0mentally exhausted.
\nToo scared to go out on porch this morning.
\nNow I\u2019m becoming<\/span> aware of something I wouldn\u2019t have
\nnoticed
\nParts that were feeling scared weren\u2019t listened to
\neither override it or become suicidal<\/p>\n

That explains why my brain is refusing to work. Visit to B.P. was major OVERWHELM! and I\u2019m shut down. How to reconnect with myself.<\/p>\n

Wednesday, July 19<\/p>\n

Raining. Thank God for Erica. She was a big help yesterday. Now I see that when my brain is blank and blunt, I\u2019m in a state of hypo-arousal, I\u2019ve been triggered by overwhelm, or by something inside that I\u2019m not ready to face.<\/p>\n

What was the problem with the visit to my siblings? Too quick, no time to settle in and reconnect. They all talk fast and loud. Mocha\u2019s diarrhea exhausted me. I needed to have soul conversations, I needed to find out, as we are nearing the ending of our lives, what have those lives meant?<\/p>\n

3rd cup of tea<\/p>\n

If I\u2019m too tired to make a decision, maybe that means I\u2019m too tired to do anything<\/span>. Can I sit here doing nothing<\/span>? Just sit here? I feel a pull toward playing Solitaire and resist it. Typing journal doesn\u2019t appeal. Maybe take the puzzle apart. I did manage to wash the dishes while my tea was brewing.<\/p>\n

I could try 20 minutes of housekeeping and 20 minutes of sitting here doing literally nothing<\/a>. I haven\u2019t even unpacked my suitcase yet. I haven\u2019t looked at the stuff that came from HUE. I would have to try things on. The discouraged part of me says trying things on is too uncomfortable.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It’s July 25 and I still haven’t unpacked or opened the package from HUE.<\/p>\n

Something I can do with a whole heart? Often doing a blog post is whole-hearted.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The antidote to exhaustion is not rest, but doing something with a whole heart<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Thursday, July 18<\/p>\n

So tired. I don\u2019t know what to do about Dance Camp. It starts on Saturday and I can\u2019t imagine being ready for it. I\u2019m still finding it hard to get practical things done. I did manage to pay a bunch of bills yesterday (good for me!) and get them in the mail.<\/p>\n

Yesterday my email stopped working.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I was feeling so bad that I got out the Sweet Chestnut<\/a> \u2014 \u201cwhen you are overwhelmed with anguish and can see no way out.\u201d I wonder if they would let me stop eating now, or if I have to have some serious disability.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Stopping eating is Plan B for dying.<\/p>\n

Haven\u2019t seen Dulany, she\u2019s got her son & 2 granddaughters visiting. I won\u2019t be talking to Erica on Friday, so I\u2019m feeling a little bereft. Maybe that\u2019s the problem.<\/p>\n

I really do feel abandoned. Not having email working is a big deal.<\/p>\n

I am realizing that I am terrified. It took me a while to feel it. But now it\u2019s clearly \u201cblind terror.\u201d<\/p>\n

Friday, July 19<\/p>\n

Feeling a little better this morning. I saw Meredith last night. I was walking Mocha and she drove by in a car. I was able to tell her that I was scared. I think that helped a lot.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Erica said:\u00a0Parts that were feeling scared weren\u2019t listened to
\nI would either override it or become suicidal<\/p>\n

I\u2019m actually sitting out on the porch. It\u2019s cool and clear. I could do without the roar of the fan. But I don\u2019t feel too scared to sit out here. so something has shifted.<\/p>\n

Sandy Pariseau came at 10:00. I don\u2019t know if I knew I was scared when she was here \u2014 yes I think I must have. I think I even told her. I managed to fix the email by shutting down the computer and starting it again (good for me!) With her help I ordered another Canon printer just like the one I have.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sandy comes to help me with computer stuff. \u00a0In trying to decide which printer to get, I decided on the Canon which is just like the one I have that stopped working. \u00a0Sandy said that wouldn’t have been her choice, but she supported me in making the right choice for me.<\/p>\n

3rd cup of tea:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s interesting that it took me so long before I could feel that I was terrified. All I had was the blank blunt blind feeling, also feeling out of control. Maybe the first clue was not feeling safe to sit on my porch. I think of how I didn\u2019t know I was frightened until Dr. Asher named it<\/a>. I didn\u2019t expect to be afraid, I have reasonably good relationships with all my siblings. So the fear didn\u2019t make sense, so I didn\u2019t feel it. Maybe Mocha picked up on it. Erica said something about when we all got together, especially in a family house, we all tended to regress. I think that house was where I first felt \u201cthat twilight feeling<\/a>,\u201d of my life fading into darkness, taking care of other people\u2019s jobs, doing nothing of my own. Tho I have good memories of the porch, creating games for my siblings, that was also where the Colonial Dames<\/a> happened.<\/p>\n

Saturday, July 20<\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling really lost. Really worried about how I\u2019ll get to dance camp, how I\u2019ll be at Pat\u2019s, whether I can function at all. I\u2019m feeling really abandoned by Dulany, which isn\u2019t fair, because she\u2019s just very sick, can\u2019t seem to stop vomiting. I feel like I did a bad job of relating to my siblings and dealing with Mocha at B.P. I feel like I\u2019m always scrambling to catch up with my life. It\u2019s a lot like the car that drove away with me in my dreams when I was a child.<\/p>\n

I see that the problem has something to do with following someone else\u2019s rules. There\u2019s a way in which the bureaucracy of government is a bit like dysfunctional parents. The rules are always changing, and the punishment is unimaginable. What am I afraid of? That if I fail to do something I\u2019m supposed to do \u2014 what will happen?<\/p>\n

Sandy said to remind myself that we had ordered a printer, and we had got the gmail working. I think I did finally relax a little \u2014 I didn\u2019t relax right away \u2014 but a lot of the fear is still with me, and it\u2019s the fear that cripples my mind.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m also feeling abandoned by the Spirit realm.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Reading through this, I can see much more clearly why I got so triggered into a baby state. I can also see that what brought me out of it were several things: one was simply telling people I was afraid and having them offer a hug, or sympathy & validation, instead of making me wrong. \u00a0Another was working on blog posts. \u00a0Yet another was actually being able to accomplish some things, like getting the email working.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Excerpts from my journal trying to understand about the terrified feeling, what triggered it, why it seemed different from how it has happened before. \u00a0The last time I felt that kind of terror was when I flew to California for … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6225","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6225"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6225\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6225"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6225"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6225"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}