{"id":6200,"date":"2019-07-08T19:49:02","date_gmt":"2019-07-08T23:49:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6200"},"modified":"2019-07-08T19:49:02","modified_gmt":"2019-07-08T23:49:02","slug":"a-time-when-you-didnt-even-guess-that-you-were-happy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6200","title":{"rendered":"“A time when you didn’t even guess that you were happy…”"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have been happy for days. \u00a0Something so unusual I can remember the times it happened in the past. \u00a0Winter Solstice at Stanstead<\/a>. \u00a0Driving back from the first session of Writers for Recovery<\/a>. \u00a0Seeing the chickadees coming to the feeder \u2014 I think this may have been when I was getting on anti-depressant medication \u2014 one of my first experiences of normal brain chemistry. \u00a0I think this started with the last writing session of “Narrative Care<\/a>” writing on July 1. \u00a0The general format is to read a poem line by line, and then to write from a prompt. \u00a0The poem was \u00a0\u201cThe Happiest Day\u201d<\/a>. \u00a0It was about an ordinary experience of a young mother with small children, a typical day. \u00a0Looking back at the past, she realizes that she was happy then and didn’t know it.<\/p>\n

The prompt: A time when you didn\u2019t even guess that you were happy…<\/p>\n

I always knew when I was happy.\u00a0I remember moments, skiing, dancing with the mountain.\u00a0They are the ones I remember, not the falls and clumsy times.\u00a0I remember driving back from the first meeting of Writers for Recovery, and the rock in the road cut warm with the setting sunlight, and I felt a great surge of happiness.\u00a0Moments from childhood?\u00a0Decorating for Christmas, not the day itself.\u00a0The pageant in High School.\u00a0Looking back on childhood, I don\u2019t see that I was happy very much, but I was innocent that there could be so much pain \u2014 in living, in the world.\u00a0The moments I remember being happy were breaks in severe depression.\u00a0I was always angry at myself that I wasn\u2019t happy more often, little knowing that the source of my constant pain, so constant that I didn\u2019t really feel it, and never knew I felt it until I got on medication and found out what normal brain chemistry was like for the first time.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Looking back, I can see that the reason I knew when I was happy was because happiness is such a contrast with chronic severe depression. \u00a0It was like the sun coming out briefly during a time of cold dark rain. \u00a0You would notice it so much more than if the day was partly cloudy with sun and shadow alternating. \u00a0Sometimes I have been surprised by remembering something in the past and realizing that I was severely depressed at the time and didn’t know it.<\/p>\n

Realizing that I always knew when I was happy has given me a great boost in my trust in myself. \u00a0I always worried that I was refusing to feel happy because I watched my mother do it over and over. \u00a0It wasn’t until a mood specialist told me that the chemistry of depression prevents feeling joy. \u00a0You can appreciate<\/span> on will power, but you can only enjoy<\/span> if your brain chemistry is making it possible.<\/p>\n

See also a post called “Joy”<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have been happy for days. \u00a0Something so unusual I can remember the times it happened in the past. \u00a0Winter Solstice at Stanstead. \u00a0Driving back from the first session of Writers for Recovery. \u00a0Seeing the chickadees coming to the feeder … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,5,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-healing","category-present-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6200","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6200"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6200\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6200"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6200"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6200"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}