(Written in February 2008)
\nI notice that my urgency has faded for both the dance project and the letter to the editor.\u00a0 Not that I don\u2019t still care, but I\u2019m more able to accept the reality of my lack of energy.\u00a0 I think the urgency was fueled by childhood beliefs: 1) I am the only one who sees clearly what needs to be done 2) I have to do something to justify my life 3) my survival is at stake.\u00a0 I see that it\u2019s a fairly delicate balance between the urgency and the lethargy that allows me to get anything done at all, and that at the first sign of difficulty (\u201clooks for support & approval\u201d) I collapse (\u201cconclude I can\u2019t do it\u201d).\u00a0 If the action is relatively easy: sign petition, send email, I can often do it, if it\u2019s a little harder: make phone calls to Congresspeople, I can sometimes do it.\u00a0 If it requires any follow-through \u2014 like the dance project or the letter to the editor \u2014 I just don\u2019t have what it takes for sustained effort.\u00a0 I\u2019m too easily triggered and then I collapse.\u00a0 I\u2019m ashamed of this, but here is the nub of my work: to accept my limitations.\u00a0 And to let go of the need for results.<\/p>\n
Had a bit of a visit with Lynelle yesterday.\u00a0 I told her about my struggle with the false urgency that gets triggered because my survival is at stake.\u00a0 She validated that for a baby, the survival issue is global, total.\u00a0 I described the set of tangled beliefs that I had discovered, and she said \u201cNo wonder you are tired.\u201d What a relief.\u00a0 I talked about how hard it is to accept that I\u2019m so disabled.\u00a0 Even now, when I\u2019m doing so much better.<\/p>\n
In the morning I was reading Ode, and feeling cheered by good news \u2014 especially an organization called HUB that\u2019s providing space for people \u2014 business people, scientists, visionaries \u2014 to get together and share ideas.\u00a0 There was an article on Byron Katie and I immediately got triggered.\u00a0 Into that uncomfortable state of activation where I can\u2019t sit peacefully and watch the chickadees.\u00a0 In the past, I\u2019ve thought this state was inspiration and forged ahead with some project \u2014 like the Barnstead water rights issue.\u00a0 I put a lot of energy into typing something up, getting it posted on the website \u2014 and then bogging down at the point of trying to express it to other people, and then collapsing into depression.\u00a0 Having recently run this cycle twice, I was wary.\u00a0 I tried to just sit quietly and relax.\u00a0 At one point I even set the timer & did 20 minutes of following the breath.\u00a0 I also did the snowshoe loop to try to ground the energy in my body.\u00a0 I also talked to Kayla which was perhaps most helpful because I could feel the energy move down in my body.\u00a0 We agreed that this was a letter that I probably should write because I can speak to the issue of Katie\u2019s method not working for someone whose difficulties are physiological in nature.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in February 2008) I notice that my urgency has faded for both the dance project and the letter to the editor.\u00a0 Not that I don\u2019t still care, but I\u2019m more able to accept the reality of my lack of … Continue reading