{"id":6087,"date":"2019-05-02T07:51:20","date_gmt":"2019-05-02T11:51:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6087"},"modified":"2019-05-02T07:51:20","modified_gmt":"2019-05-02T11:51:20","slug":"positive-sense-of-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6087","title":{"rendered":"Positive Sense of Myself"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

This was initially posted on July 20, 2012. \u00a0It was named “Positive Self-Image.” \u00a0Some time ago I said something to my friend Beverly about trying to change my self-image. \u00a0She said “Self-image is like the weather,” and suggested that it was a waste of time. \u00a0I realized I had used the wrong words, that “self-image” is in some ways an intellectual construct, and I was dealing with something else. \u00a0Trying to describe it, I called it “my experience of my self,” or “who I experience myself to be,” or “my felt sense of myself.” \u00a0I have tried many times to describe to people how I don’t see myself the way they do. \u00a0Most of the time they don’t get what I’m talking about. \u00a0It’s so clear to them that I’m the person they see. \u00a0One time I tried in my journal to describe the person I experience that I am: selfish, self-centered, stingy, conceited, would do things deliberately to hurt people, and realized that that’s not me at all. \u00a0In some ways it describes my mother. \u00a0But even that didn’t change my experience of myself. \u00a0I’m still afraid that people won’t like me, will think I’m boring, will think I’m a nuisance if I ask for help. \u00a0I’m still surprised when people are happy to help me, instead of finding me a nuisance. \u00a0This is a long on-going struggle whose motivation is that if I really got that I’m the person Charlotte sees in this letter, I would relax and stop trying to “prove that I deserve to live.” \u00a0It wasn’t until I started working with Erica, that I understood that my confusion about how I impact people happened because my mother didn’t mirror me at all. \u00a0She never saw me as a person separate from herself, but only saw her shadow that she projected on to me to avoid seeing the truth about herself.<\/p>\n

From July 2012:<\/p>\n

In doing my project of converting old journals into a newer word processor, I have discovered many things.\u00a0\u00a0 One is a letter from Charlotte (the mother of my ex-husband) in response to the collection of excerpts from my journal that I sent to people as Christmas presents.\u00a0 The letter says wonderful things about me, that are still hard for me to accept, though I\u2019m beginning to become aware of the person she\u2019s describing.\u00a0 In 1993, I was completely unable to take in what she said, and it fell into oblivion almost immediately.
\nFrom Charlotte\u2019s letter:<\/p>\n

So many of the entries had to do with your self-questioning.\u00a0 To me it was immediately obvious that you were intelligent, educated and talented \u2013 and extraordinarily so.\u00a0 Besides this, however, there was something special about you \u2013 something Dana mentioned in the letter in which he first told us about you.\u00a0 There is the child-like trust and openness and readiness for response to the world.\u00a0 For all your sophistication, there is nothing worldly-wise or cynical about you.\u00a0 And you don\u2019t put other people down to build yourself up.\u00a0 You feel the need for approval, but you have to be honest.\u00a0 All this is very unusual.\u00a0 I never cease to be amazed at how many intelligent, educated and talented people there are in this world.\u00a0 Yet to judge by what happens in public, their gifts are squandered in a quest for success that makes them jump into the latest bandwagon and get caught up in institutionalized mis-information, exploitation and pandering.<\/p>\n

As for being attractive, to me there\u2019s something charismatic about you.\u00a0 Even in jeans one can tell you\u2019re a dancer \u2013 in your posture, your bearing, your movements and gestures.\u00a0 When you get excited, your eyes shine like stars.<\/p>\n

Whatever happened to you as a child, it did not break your spirit.\u00a0 What Karen said is exactly right.\u00a0 Accept yourself \u2013 it doesn\u2019t matter if you don\u2019t understand yourself.\u00a0 At bottom, all things are founded in mystery \u2013 through the courage to be.\u00a0 So forgive and forget.\u00a0 It\u2019s obvious you do.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing vengeful about you and you are turning your recollections into creativity.<\/p>\n

The real problem is not you but the world.\u00a0 The more extraordinary one is, the harder it is to find response from others.\u00a0 People one meets may feel threatened and turn away.\u00a0 But you have made and do have friends \u2013 such as have helped to release your creativity.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

From her PS:<\/p>\n

Also, I\u2019ve been thinking about what Jenny said in considering the possibility of publishing her journal.\u00a0 My suspicion is that publishers only grab journals of celebrities (or with plenty of the scandalous).\u00a0 Still, there could be a set of selections that would tell a story meaningful to others.\u00a0 In any case, the journal is full of beautiful writing \u2013 simple, clear, expressive \u2013 revealing a journey toward authentic self-hood.\u00a0 The little comments on the morning sky or winter night are brilliant gems.\u00a0 You certainly have a right to think of yourself as an artist in the field of literature.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0 I\u2019m almost feeling scared to publish this, how conceited will people think I am, isn\u2019t this the ancient sin of \u201cbragging\u201d?\u00a0 But it\u2019s somebody else\u2019s writing.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that OK?\u00a0 Please, Dear Reader, if you know me, let me know if the person Charlotte\u2019s describing sounds like the person you know.<\/p>\n

My dear friend Pat posted this comment:
\nDear Jenny,
\nThese gentle, loving words from Charlotte are so true! She wasn\u2019t praising you as much as telling you the simple truth about yourself\u2014a remarkable gift. Treasure it, internalize it, go back to it when you feel down. It is a balm. Sharing it with all of us is not bragging, it is a gift you have shared with all of us.
\nYour friend always,
\nPat<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This was initially posted on July 20, 2012. \u00a0It was named “Positive Self-Image.” \u00a0Some time ago I said something to my friend Beverly about trying to change my self-image. \u00a0She said “Self-image is like the weather,” and suggested that it … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,16,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6087","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-story","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6087","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6087"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6087\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6087"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6087"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6087"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}