{"id":6073,"date":"2019-04-27T09:55:23","date_gmt":"2019-04-27T13:55:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6073"},"modified":"2019-04-27T09:55:23","modified_gmt":"2019-04-27T13:55:23","slug":"wanting-to-live-my-big-life-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=6073","title":{"rendered":"Wanting to Live my “Big Life”"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

This was originally posted on September 16, 2011. \u00a0It’s such a good analysis of my typical breakdown. \u00a0It was also a little shocking to find a relatively serious breakdown in 2003. \u00a0I always think of the one in 2008, and don’t remember that there were more. \u00a0Every time I tried to get off medication in fact.<\/p>\n

(Written in October 2003)
\nI\u2019m scared again, scared that I will never come out of this.\u00a0 Yesterday I could see that I\u2019m being able to talk about what\u2019s going on for me and to ask for help \u2014 I think this is new and also that the cracking of my protective armor might well leave me feeling vulnerable and scared.\u00a0 How will I take care of myself if I don\u2019t come out of this?\u00a0\u00a0 Well. I\u2019ve taken care of myself so far \u2014 everything that had to be done has gotten done, either I did it, or I asked for help.
\nONE DAY AT A TIME.
\nLately I\u2019ve been feeling like I could say angry things to Mom \u2014 angry and true things.\u00a0 I also felt, yesterday, how angry I am at myself for not being able to pull out of this.\u00a0 I try to feel compassion for myself and I can\u2019t do that either.<\/p>\n

So what am I seeing?\u00a0 This woman who felt over-confident last summer \u2014 \u201cI can do it now\u201d \u2014 who was wanting to expand her life and learn new things, who really thought she was healed of the hurts of the past and wanted to make up for lost time \u2014 wanted to live some of the bigger life that she might have had if she hadn\u2019t been so damaged by trauma and depression.\u00a0 She really wanted to live that bigger life, and she also didn\u2019t like being on medication \u2014 it feels dishonest to her.\u00a0 So she tried to \u201cdo it all\u201d.\u00a0 Now her actions look incredibly stupid and misguided, especially the house which she should never have started \u2014 she should have chosen a simple house plan that could be completed quickly and easily.\u00a0 She should have thought about the environmental stuff.\u00a0 She\u2019s bad, selfish, greedy.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYour creative actions come from the heart.\u201d No, she is not bad, selfish and greedy.\u00a0 That is Mother\u2019s judgement.\u00a0 She is a creative person whose creativity has been held in check most of her life by depression and the traumas of childhood.\u00a0 When her mother died and she inherited a lot of money, her creativity expanded too fast for her skills in staying grounded and asking for help.\u00a0 The house project was set in motion during this time.\u00a0 Now she has crashed badly, for a variety of reasons.\u00a0 She tried to get off the medication. She celebrated herself with a party and she made some big changes in her investments \u2014 this is majorly moving against old family injunctions.\u00a0 As is letting her creativity get big.\u00a0 What she\u2019s going through now may be backlash from having allowed herself to \u201clive her big life.\u201d
\nThe same thing happened with the building of Neskaya \u2014 while it was being built she was so disabled by fear and depression that she had to leave the whole project in the hands of others.\u00a0 All she could do was keep affirming, in the teeth of her fear, that yes, she wanted it to be built.\u00a0 Once it actually existed, it turned out to be the perfect setting for the flowering of her creativity.\u00a0 So, dear, trust that the same thing will happen with the house \u2014 that it will turn out to be \u201cexactly right\u201d for what needs to happen next.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This was originally posted on September 16, 2011. \u00a0It’s such a good analysis of my typical breakdown. \u00a0It was also a little shocking to find a relatively serious breakdown in 2003. \u00a0I always think of the one in 2008, and … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,8,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6073","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-breakdown","category-depression","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6073","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6073"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6073\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6073"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6073"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6073"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}