From my journal. \u00a0At the end of March I had no definite diagnosis for the pain in my back which was making it very difficult to walk, bend down, lift anything heavy.<\/p>\n
Saturday, March 30
\nI\u2019m sore all over. Nothing has changed. Nothing I do makes a difference. Erica helped a lot by telling me this is very deep work. Especially the work with helplessness. I see that the only antidote is to trust the process.<\/p>\nI\u2019m almost at the end of Wahl\u2019s book. Over and over he talks about changing from the belief in separateness to belief in connectedness. He actually talks about his experience of unity in a council circle with talking piece. I always feel like my work on myself is intended to get me to the point where I can make a contribution. Occasionally I can see that my work on myself is a contribution. Now I\u2019m coming to see that, if we are all connected, then I\u2019m not working by myself for health, I\u2019m working with<\/span> everyone for a fuller, more meaningful life for all of us. When I really get that, I\u2019m able to relax completely. It doesn\u2019t matter if I ever \u201csucceed\u201d or \u201cget better.\u201d It doesn\u2019t matter if I ever teach dance again, or astronomy, or start a circle, or a memoir group. \u00a0I can join them if they happen.<\/p>\n
I feel an astonishing sense of relief. There is a huge<\/span> process going on, and I\u2019m part of it, carried by it. I don\u2019t have to make<\/span> anything happen.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Sunday, March 31
\nThat realization led into a wonderful relaxation. I went back to find Daniel Wahl\u2019s language. He talks about the \u201cnarrative of separation\u201d and the \u201cnarrative of interbeing.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nPost about Daniel Wahl’s book<\/a>. \u00a0I had a moment of felt sense of interbeing, something more than just being connected.<\/p>\n
Monday, April 1
\nI ended up going into a state of complete apathy, first lying on the couch, then going in to bed. I ate some blueberries, but then wanted \u201ccomfort food\u201d and there wasn\u2019t anything available. If I could have had anything at all? Couldn\u2019t think of anything. I just lay on the bed and got no sense at all of anything I wanted to do.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nNo sense of what to do next sounds to me like total surrender.<\/p>\n
Tuesday, April 2
\nJean Sonder called and suggested I call Vreeland.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s interesting that I\u2019ve had people pushing me along all the way, suggesting I call my doctor, have an X-ray.\u00a0 <\/span>On my own, I take longer to go for help.<\/p>\nWednesday, April 3
\nI\u2019m supposed to see Dr. Vreeland today, for a follow-up and to have him help with my sacroiliac.\u00a0 <\/span>I hope it all works out.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI offer myself to this process.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>As I say that, I feel and accept my helplessness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\nDr. Vreeland<\/a> is a chiropractor in White River Junction, Vermont. \u00a0I was already seeing him for help with my lack of energy. \u00a0I was pretty sure he would be able to help me, but not at all sure what that would look like. \u00a0He did an adjustment, and gave me some exercises. \u00a0The adjustment helped right away, the worst of the pain was gone.<\/p>\n
Thursday, April 4
\nI feel like I\u2019m emerging from a long heavy winter. Cleared out, stripped for action, my old life gone, burned away. No sense of juice or fertility, of anything new pushing to emerge. But that feels OK. No hurry.<\/p>\nFriday, April 5
\nErica says: Your body is telling you \u201cI\u2019m going to really show you what surrender looks like.\u201d Getting in touch with the helplessness without<\/span> connection to trauma. Traumatized helplessness carries hopelessness, untraumatized helplessness allows for help to come from an unexpected place.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nShe said I had never been able to truly surrender, because I had never been held in a container large enough to really feel<\/span> helpless. \u00a0I realized that in the past, when I called it “shipwreck” or “surrender” it was really just giving up, and counting on myself to pick myself up and go on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal. \u00a0At the end of March I had no definite diagnosis for the pain in my back which was making it very difficult to walk, bend down, lift anything heavy. Saturday, March 30 I\u2019m sore all over. Nothing … Continue reading