(Written in February 2005)
\nWeekend with my siblings.\u00a0 I was not well, dehydrated, constipated, headache, slept badly.\u00a0 I think I got radically overstimulated \u2014 too much talk, ideas, opinions, I thought at the time that I wasn\u2019t overwhelmed because I was able to function.\u00a0 Although I didn\u2019t take care of myself very well.\u00a0 I felt odd right from the start.\u00a0 A sort of spaciness which I didn\u2019t understand at all.\u00a0 It may just be my response to over stimulation when I\u2019m not depressed or terrified.\u00a0 I did take art materials but never got them out.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t read any of the stuff they had lying around \u2014 that\u2019s really different.
\nGosh it\u2019s so strange \u2014 I wish I had written about it while I was in it, but even paying attention in the Somatic Experiencing way wasn\u2019t really possible.\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering if I was out of my body all weekend.\u00a0 Certainly coming back to Neskaya, and dancing with the circle brought me back.<\/p>\n
Still haven\u2019t been able really to digest and integrate the weekend.\u00a0 I told Eleanor I thought I had been out of my body, and she said yes, that\u2019s why you got sick.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t really able to describe what it felt like in my body.\u00a0 Just now I thought of trying to describe the quality of the energy \u2014 vibrating, buzzing, colorless, its location all around the upper part of my body, a sphere or cube 3 feet across.\u00a0 Something like that.\u00a0 There was a dryness about it too, although there was also real dryness.\u00a0 I drank lots of water while I was there.\u00a0 The meaning of my life (Neskaya, dances, diversity, bringing compassion to pain) didn\u2019t disappear completely, but it was like it was in another room.<\/p>\n
In the Somatic Experiencing training they told us about \u201cGlobal High Activation\u201d which is what happens to an infant who is traumatized before the flight or fight instinct is fully operational.\u00a0 After all, what would be the point of needing to flee when you can\u2019t even crawl.<\/p>\n
Work with Barbara, another trainee, in small group \u2014 couldn\u2019t think what to work on and then suddenly thought of last weekend with my siblings.\u00a0 Just the thought sent me into global high activation, and even my attempts to ground could only reduce it, not make it go away.\u00a0 What\u2019s really amazing is that\u2019s what I felt that weekend with my siblings, that I couldn\u2019t identify because I\u2019ve never had it before without either depression or terror.\u00a0 I could feel my attempts to ground and also the upward pull \u2014 the most useful thing was Barbara\u2019s suggestion to let them both be.\u00a0 Then the dynamic went to a finer level \u2014 1000 tiny helium balloons each pulling up on tiny heavy pieces of me.\u00a0 Sitting with that sensation, I became a mountain \u2014 the mountain from The Mountain That Loved a Bird \u2014 I was aware of all the small earthquakes and crumblings and also the life: trees growing, streams flowing, animals prowling, really a lovely image to sit with and experience.\u00a0 It became even finer, an image of the Mandelbrot Set, chaos and complexity, very small adjustments, but the whole picture organizing itself at finer and finer levels.<\/p>\n
The Mountain that Loved a Bird<\/a> by Alice McLerran, illustrated by Eric Carle<\/p>\n There’s a lovely short on YouTube<\/a> of the story with different illustrations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in February 2005) Weekend with my siblings.\u00a0 I was not well, dehydrated, constipated, headache, slept badly.\u00a0 I think I got radically overstimulated \u2014 too much talk, ideas, opinions, I thought at the time that I wasn\u2019t overwhelmed because I … Continue reading