{"id":5993,"date":"2019-01-09T15:32:40","date_gmt":"2019-01-09T20:32:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5993"},"modified":"2019-01-10T08:42:41","modified_gmt":"2019-01-10T13:42:41","slug":"really-doing-ok-just-as-i-am","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5993","title":{"rendered":"Really Doing OK Just as I Am"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tuesday, January 1<\/p>\n

This morning I was thinking about a conversation with God, where I asked what I needed to do to fulfill \u201cHis\u201d will, and God said \u201cYou\u2019re doing\u00a0fine just as you are,\u201d and I said \u201cNo, I want something more,\u201d and God said \u201cPTSD isn\u2019t tough enough for you?\u201d\u00a0So then I thought maybe I really am doing OK just as I am.\u00a0Maybe I really am doing OK just as I am<\/span>.\u00a0I feel a huge relaxing.\u00a0If that\u2019s true, then I don\u2019t have to push myself to do more.\u00a0It\u2019s OK if things get done (or not) when I can manage to do them, and it doesn\u2019t matter if they are \u201clate\u201d according to some imagined standard.<\/p>\n

Wednesday, January 2<\/p>\n

The feeling of really being OK just as I am was stronger than it\u2019s ever been.\u00a0It was clear, as a felt sense, that even when I don\u2019t do, or put off, \u201cimportant\u201d things, and judge myself for it, I am still OK.\u00a0To whom am I OK?\u00a0to my deepest self, and to Spirit who looks at me with an Erica smile.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Erica is my therapist, who looks at me with a special delighted smile when I say something good about myself.<\/p>\n

Parker Palmer talks about making choices with ego, or soul.\u00a0\u201cEgo\u201d for him is valuing status, praise, money.\u00a0I have never valued those things.\u00a0My ego judges me harshly for not fulfilling requirements for the bureaucracy, or to satisfy certain conventions.\u00a0No, sometimes I don\u2019t judge me but I\u2019m afraid others are judging me.\u00a0The whole business of washing hands after going to the bathroom, e.g.\u00a0I don\u2019t do it because I don\u2019t agree that it\u2019s important, and it makes my hands so dry.\u00a0But if there\u2019s someone else in the bathroom I imagine that they are judging me.\u00a0They probably don\u2019t even notice.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness<\/a>
\nI don’t wash my hands all the time, because I don’t believe germs cause disease unless the immune system is down. \u00a0Here at Kendal I’m more careful because I know there are people here who are vulnerable. \u00a0I often use hand sanitizers instead of soap & water.<\/p>\n

When I walked Mocha yesterday morning, there was blue sky, flying clouds, wind, it was warm, snow was melting in the sunlight, it felt like March.\u00a0Really lifted my spirits.\u00a0I was able to find the waning crescent, very faint, often hidden by clouds.\u00a0It was good to see the Moon.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

One thing Erica has pointed out to me is how important it is to me to be aware of the Sun and Moon, the planets and stars. \u00a0I think it has to do with orienting myself by the stars.<\/p>\n

Friday, January 4<\/p>\n

I emailed my brother Jesse to thank him for the book he sent me for Christmas and told him I hadn\u2019t been doing well and sent a link to my blog.\u00a0I got a lovely response in which he said he had read the blog, and he hurt that I hurt so much and he wished he could help me.\u00a0I have to write and let him know how much he helps just by his response.<\/p>\n

Note from talk with Erica:
\nInstead of making something happen, I\u2019m allowing it to unfold.<\/p>\n

posted by someone else on facebook:
\n<\/span>I no longer force things.
\nWhat flows, flows.
\nWhat crashes, crashes.
\nI only have space and energy
\nfor the things that are
\n<\/span>meant for me.<\/p>\n

Saturday, January 5<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure when it occurred to me that when people talked about \u201cthe gift of life\u201d it always made me angry.\u00a0I would respond with \u201cthe gift came to me smashed.\u201d\u00a0But now I\u2019m seeing that what was really happening was the \u201cgift\u201d wasn\u2019t a gift, it was conditional.\u00a0It wasn\u2019t freely given, I was expected to earn it.\u00a0No wonder my deepest belief, and the one I find hardest to change, is that I have to \u201cprove that I deserve to live.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Today, January 9, I still feel OK just as I am. \u00a0I don’t think it’s ever lasted this long, or felt so solid. \u00a0Thank You.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tuesday, January 1 This morning I was thinking about a conversation with God, where I asked what I needed to do to fulfill \u201cHis\u201d will, and God said \u201cYou\u2019re doing\u00a0fine just as you are,\u201d and I said \u201cNo, I want … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5,9,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5993","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-guidance","category-healing","category-journal","category-present-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5993","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5993"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5993\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5993"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5993"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5993"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}