I went back and started reading my journal for 2018. \u00a0Found a lot that was very interesting.<\/p>\n
June 16, 2018<\/p>\n
The talk with Erica was good.\u00a0I have been really puzzling over why other people see what I am doing as HUGE and I don\u2019t see it at all.\u00a0She said that\u2019s why neglect is so devastating.\u00a0What you do, who you are, is disappeared.\u00a0I\u2019m an unpaid servant. My work is not valued, and I \u201cearn\u201d only a grudging existence. I am invisible to myself. I\u2019m not taken care of, only exploited, so I don\u2019t take care of myself.<\/p>\n
Elizabeth said that I talk a lot about my mother. I puzzled over it and then realized that I\u2019m still trying to make her cruelty real to myself, so I can accept how much, how deeply, I am wounded, and can accept how much time and energy and work it\u2019s taking to heal \u2014 and I am<\/span> healing. I can drop the judgement of myself as weakling and coward. Erica says I sound \u201calive,\u201d Elizabeth says I sound more grounded. I can\u2019t hear it myself. I can\u2019t see how much I have changed, how much I have healed, how much I have done with my life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
My inability to hear the change in my voice is part of the lack of mirroring that’s given me a totally wrong understanding of who I am. This is why witnesses to who I am, accurate<\/span> witnesses, are necessary for me to update my belief about who I am.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s this woman \u2014 she\u2019s intelligent and caring, she\u2019s been through some extraordinary experiences. She\u2019s learned a lot. She has compassion and wisdom, tremendous gifts to give to the world. And she has no idea, no idea at all who she is, or that she has anything worthwhile to give. She keeps trying to prove that she deserves to live by \u201cgetting everything right,\u201d by making someone happy who can\u2019t be made happy, by somehow living up to her own impossible expectations of herself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
“Here’s this woman…” is how I start the process of taking a big step back and trying to see myself objectively. It often leads to feeling compassion for myself.<\/p>\n
I do think, possibly, that at least for a short time I have been able to drop my unreasonable expectations of myself. Not giving myself a hard time makes life easier and more comfortable. I don\u2019t need to know that I\u2019m wonderful, I just need to know that I\u2019m OK, and that what I\u2019m able to give is actually worthwhile.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
At this time I was dealing with a lot of pain and grief about selling the house.\u00a0 <\/span>Asking myself again again if I couldn\u2019t hold on until Lynelle has found another place to live.<\/p>\n
June 19<\/p>\n
On the other hand, part of me feels that going ahead with Cheryl, going ahead with Doug, instead of stopping them, is behavior conditioned by my parents.\u00a0I \u201cshould\u201d stand up and take charge.\u00a0It\u2019s easier to go ahead with what was decided, and that\u2019s being lazy… Writing it down, I see that that\u2019s nonsense.\u00a0Of course it\u2019s easier, that\u2019s why I\u2019m doing it.\u00a0I\u2019ve got to allow as much as possible to be easy so I will have energy for the hard part which is all the deep emotional, very early, stuff that\u2019s coming up.\u00a0Oh.\u00a0That\u2019s<\/span> why this is so hard.\u00a0That early stuff is non-verbal, physiological, felt sense, very hard to get at.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Cheryl is my realtor, Doug the contractor who’s doing the work to bring the house up to code \u2014 it didn’t matter until I tried to sell it \u2014 and I was thinking that I could stop them and back off until Lynelle found a new place to live. \u00a0Deciding to do what was “easy” is a total reversal of my usual pattern.<\/p>\n
I started reading Ram Dass \u201cStill Here\u201d and found it very comforting.\u00a0He talks about conscious aging, accepting being in a wheel chair, not pushing himself to walk again…\u00a0I realized I could focus teaching circle dance on dances that are easy for disabled people.\u00a0Like the ones I taught last Sunday.\u00a0That really eased something inside.\u00a0It\u2019s really OK if I don\u2019t get back to my previous level of fitness.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Ram Dass, Still Here<\/a> is about his life after his stroke.<\/p>\n
Wednesday, June 20<\/p>\n
Erica thought I had done very well with B\u2019s horrible telephone message.\u00a0She thinks I\u2019m staying conscious, allowing space for odd differing thoughts and questions, really being present for the whole process.\u00a0That was good to hear.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The situation with “B”<\/a><\/p>\n
I saw Nancy for my last PT session. She says I\u2019m doing very well, and to keep doing it. I\u2019ve been judging myself as failing to live up to impossible expectations: that I would do the soaking-massage-icing routine every day, that I would do the exercises as prescribed. Actually, what I have done is to build the exercises into my day, when I\u2019m walking, or going downstairs, when I\u2019m just sitting around, to be aware of stretching my foot any chance I get.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been saying to myself \u201cI\u2019ve been doing the best I can, and it\u2019s good enough.\u201d and trying to believe it. It\u2019s amazing and painful to see how harshly I\u2019ve judged myself for most of my life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The PT was for my sprained ankle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I went back and started reading my journal for 2018. \u00a0Found a lot that was very interesting. June 16, 2018 The talk with Erica was good.\u00a0I have been really puzzling over why other people see what I am doing as … Continue reading