{"id":5977,"date":"2019-01-01T16:32:29","date_gmt":"2019-01-01T21:32:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5977"},"modified":"2019-06-13T08:55:55","modified_gmt":"2019-06-13T12:55:55","slug":"should-versus-my-inner-knowing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5977","title":{"rendered":"“Should” versus My Inner Knowing"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

From my journal for June 17, 1993
\nTrajectory broken again.\u00a0My flight of the last couple of days ends in a crash.\u00a0Once again feeling anxious and scared, wanting to hide.\u00a0I retreated into typing my journals, and the first glider plane went over, grinding pain into my heart and here I am weak and shaky again.\u00a0Now, how did this happen?\u00a0I think I saw the cause, so trivial it seems ridiculous.\u00a0I was downstairs, after washing breakfast dishes, wondering how to start my day.\u00a0I thought I would begin by typing journals.\u00a0As I started toward the stairs I saw through the window the geraniums and marigolds I bought a couple of days ago.\u00a0“I should plant those” went through my head.\u00a0Then I felt my body contract and thought, “No, my energy isn’t right, I’ll stick with typing.”\u00a0But somehow just the thought, that there is something external that “ought” to be done, can drag me far enough off my center so that even though I affirm my choice to go with my own energy, I’m sitting at the computer feeling fearful and the first plane just grinds it into me, how bad I am to be making my worthless journals my top priority instead of those plants which are clearly more important than I am.\u00a0Gosh! even stating it like that I still<\/span> feel the fear.\u00a0I feel the battle going on inside me, in my stomach, the fear when I try to stick with a choice based on my inner feelings, and then moments of strength when I can feel that it really is my<\/span> choice, and then I tumble back into fear again.\u00a0Gosh! the battle is engaged in earnest between a life lived according to external demands, and a life lived out from inside. At least I see enormous improvement: that the plane did not blast my psyche to bits, that I was able to see the real cause of my anxiety in the moment when I made the external demand more important than the inner need, even though I refused to obey it. That’s what has made it so hard to see: that the outer demand was still running my life even though I refused to obey it.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

“glider plane” \u00a0\u2014 see Airplane Phobia<\/a><\/p>\n

“The outer demand was still running my life even though I refused to obey it.” \u00a0Now, 25 years later, I’m still fighting the same battle. \u00a0Since 1993 I have gotten on anti-depressant medication, ended the plane phobia, discovered that I was actually dealing with PTSD, and finally got to the bottom of what I was up against when I started working with a therapist who specialized in attachment as well as trauma. \u00a0I found out what it means to be traumatized before your brain and nervous system have matured, and how unbelievably difficult it is to change the patterns that are so deep in your brain and nervous system.<\/p>\n

November 29, 2018
\nI am more tired than I know how to say.\u00a0I did write and send an email to the people who run Neskaya, saying that I am too tired to teach for a while.
\nI\u2019m wondering if part of the tiredness, and part of the tension I feel in my body, is that I\u2019m fighting with myself over the issue of \u201cproving that I deserve to live.\u201d\u00a0My worry about getting ready for the deep cleaning, that I somehow had to abide by \u201crules,\u201d is the old way.\u00a0Trying to do everything \u201cright\u201d so I won\u2019t get \u201csent back to Sears & Roebuck\u2019s\u201d versus the one who knows that Kendal will never throw me out.\u00a0No matter how useless I am.\u00a0No matter how many things I get wrong.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The “deep cleaning” is something that Kendal makes possible every year.<\/p>\n

November 28
\nIt wasn\u2019t as much of a big deal as I had thought.\u00a0 <\/span>Not much had to be moved so all my packing up and moving things was unnecessary.\u00a0 <\/span>I also had thought that the cleaning had to be done to their specifications instead of being entirely my choice about what was done.\u00a0 <\/span>How\u2019s that for a metaphor for my life?\u00a0 <\/span>I do enjoy having things neater.<\/p>\n

December 2, 2018
\nNoticing that I haven\u2019t taken the calcium supplements in a while, that I\u2019m having trouble with my feet and have to work some exercises in during the day, that I haven\u2019t been able to do the water with a very little vinegar in it that\u2019s supposed to help with my hiatal hernia \u2014 it feels like I could spend a lot of time & effort on keeping my body going, and why do it?\u00a0At the moment, I don\u2019t really have anything to feed my soul, since I\u2019ve had to let go of going to Neskaya.\u00a0I hate to miss Winter Solstice, it\u2019s my favorite holiday. the most meaningful.\u00a0Maybe next year.\u00a0O dear that\u2019s painful.<\/p>\n

Saturday, December 29, 2018<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been wanting to write about my mental\/emotional state, hoping that if I understood it better, I could handle it with more acceptance and compassion. I feel hard and dry, possibly even a little bored. I don\u2019t have any sense of my grief for Neskaya, but I need the company of someone who understands.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve got a lot of odd music in my head. Trip the Light, American Pie, Turning Toward Morning \u2014 I know there were more…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

“Trip the Light” is from Matt Dancing in 2012<\/a>
\n“American Pie<\/a>” is a song written by Don McLean
\n“Turning Toward the Morning<\/a>” is a song by Gordon Bok<\/p>\n

Unsatisfying.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s what my life is lately.\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t know: what I want, what I need, what will soften me…\u00a0 <\/span>Well, it\u2019s just a bad time.\u00a0 <\/span>Now put your right foot forward…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

“Now put your right foot forward…” \u00a0is how I kept going through severe depression<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Cup of tea.\u00a0 <\/span>I washed dishes while I made it (good for me!)\u00a0 <\/span>And I remembered to put the iodine on my hands (good for me!)\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s true that neither of those things is an action toward world peace.\u00a0 <\/span>But washing dishes is an act of stewardship, and using the iodine is an action toward self-healing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The iodine is for the tendons which are getting hard, making my third finger on my left hand unable to bend backward. \u00a0Sometimes makes it hard to type, can’t do the dog posture.<\/p>\n

I realized what the songs are for.\u00a0 <\/span>The last line of American Pie is \u201cThis\u2019ll be the day that I die.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>In Trip the Light it says \u201cWe\u2019ll see with new eyes.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s the tension between how I feel right now \u2014 that I don\u2019t deserve to live \u2014 and my hope of disabling that belief.<\/p>\n

I was reading Parker Palmer while I ate breakfast, and he talks about holding the tension between how things are now, and how we want them to be.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s the same idea as Robert Fritz\u2019s \u201cstructural tension.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>To hold the tension between current reality and the vision.\u00a0 <\/span>Do not lie to yourself about what\u2019s really going on around you and in you.\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t let go of the vision in spite of your discouragement.\u00a0 <\/span>When I\u2019m deep in discouragement, I can recite the words of the vision: love, peace, justice, health, compassion… but I don\u2019t believe in them.\u00a0 <\/span>Does that count?\u00a0 <\/span>Somewhere in E.G. a vicar says something like \u201csurely the recital of the proper forms can be counted as prayer.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve been told that the intention to forgive is good enough when your heart is too hard to forgive.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Parker Palmer<\/a>. \u00a0The book I am reading is “A Hidden Wholeness”
\nRobert Fritz<\/a>
\nE.G. is Elizabeth Goudge<\/a>, the quote is from one of the books about the Eliot family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From my journal for June 17, 1993 Trajectory broken again.\u00a0My flight of the last couple of days ends in a crash.\u00a0Once again feeling anxious and scared, wanting to hide.\u00a0I retreated into typing my journals, and the first glider plane went … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5977","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5977","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5977"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5977\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5977"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5977"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5977"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}