(Written in February 2007)
\nMy heart feels exploded with terror.\u00a0 My brain\u2019s not working very well.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell if that\u2019s because I\u2019m scared, or if that\u2019s what\u2019s making me scared.\u00a0 Can I bring kindness to my fear?\u00a0 Can I soften around it?
\nIt eases and comes back.\u00a0 I feel very blank and blunt and disconnected.\u00a0 I try to figure out what I am afraid of without success.\u00a0 What is the worst that can happen?\u00a0 That I will sit here watching the birds, unable to enjoy them, unable to connect with them, and that I\u2019m stuck here, nothing I do makes any difference.\u00a0 This is trauma \u2014 the stuckness, the disconnect, the terror.\u00a0 I\u2019m right in the center of it.\u00a0 This is the worst that can happen \u2014 and I\u2019m still here, being present to it as best I can.
\nI\u2019ve come out of this before, and I will come out of it again.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing I have to do today.\u00a0 I can keep to an ashram schedule.\u00a0 (did 20 minute sessions because I\u2019m so scared: typing, reading, meditation, painting, snowshoeing, etc.)<\/p>\n
I used to do this when I was doing very badly, unable to make decisions, know what I wanted to do or when I was ready to stop something. I\u2019d set the timer for 30 minutes and do one of the following: yoga, meditate, houseclean, read, write, type journals, etc.\u00a0 When the timer rang, I\u2019d do something else, alternating active & quiet activities.\u00a0 One day I told someone at Kripalu I\u2019d done \u201cnothing\u201d for several days, and described my schedule.\u00a0 She said \u201cThat\u2019s not nothing, that\u2019s an ashram day.\u201d\u00a0 I felt much better about doing \u201cnothing\u201d and started calling them \u201cashram days\u201d myself.\u00a0 If I was really doing badly, I\u2019d set the timer for 20 minutes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in February 2007) My heart feels exploded with terror.\u00a0 My brain\u2019s not working very well.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell if that\u2019s because I\u2019m scared, or if that\u2019s what\u2019s making me scared.\u00a0 Can I bring kindness to my fear?\u00a0 Can I … Continue reading