From my journal for Oct 25<\/p>\n
Guy in the hall on the big noisy vacuum.\u00a0 <\/span>I stop to comment on the little dog on the front.\u00a0 <\/span>He tells me it\u2019s \u201cSnoopy\u201d and his nickname was Snoopy.\u00a0 <\/span>As I go on I feel gratitude for this \u201clittle good thing.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
From my journal for Oct 31<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve also noticed that I\u2019m starting to be OK with \u201csuperficial\u201d conversation, that I\u2019m starting to notice little moments of beauty \u2014 single colored leaves on the ground \u2014 and little moments of goodness \u2014 friendly contact with someone I don\u2019t know or hardly know \u2014 like \u201cSnoopy\u201d and the very noisy vacuum machine.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Erica has been telling me that I will begin to get a sense of how ordinary things are part of the support, and something I can enjoy.\u00a0 <\/span>When she said it I reacted with \u201cOrdinary?\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s boring.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>For a long time I\u2019ve had a lot of trouble enjoying anything.\u00a0 <\/span>I know that the ability to enjoy depends on brain chemistry, but it also seems to depend on whether I\u2019m feeling safe.\u00a0 <\/span>If I\u2019m not feeling safe, then ordinary, everyday things can\u2019t get through, only very big, intense things register on my consciousness.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m missing the blazing colors of fall north of the Notch, of having the mountains be part of everyday things, of having magical Neskaya and soul nourishing circle dance regularly available.\u00a0 <\/span>But when I had those things, I wasn\u2019t supported enough to keep going on the practical level.\u00a0 <\/span>I was too much alone.\u00a0 <\/span>Shopping, cooking, cleaning house, scraping snow off the car, etc. were too difficult.<\/p>\n
Once I got here to Kendal, I started looking for soul friends, for people with whom I could have soul or wisdom conversations. \u00a0Sometimes at the dinner table, we would have a deep conversation, and that would cheer me up. \u00a0But all too often the conversations were superficial, and I would feel disappointed. \u00a0I realize I almost always felt bored by “small talk.” \u00a0I could only tolerate it when I was with people I knew well, people I felt safe with, people with whom I had had deep conversations. \u00a0I realize now that only if the conversation was intense was I able to be unaware of the underlying discomfort.<\/p>\n
Since I’ve been so exhausted, and let myself be exhausted, I notice that I’m happier at the open table, where you can sit if you don’t have people to sit with. \u00a0I’m too tired to make conversation, and I don’t have to do it at the open table. \u00a0I can also get up when I want to. \u00a0So I started going to the open table when I wanted to isolate. \u00a0What I am now finding is that the regulars at the open table have become familiar, so I’m comfortable with them. \u00a0I don’t mind the “small talk.” \u00a0I am actually feeling supported by the ordinary.<\/p>\n
I notice, as I’m writing about this, how important the issue of safety is. \u00a0Many times, someone I considered a good friend would say something that invalidated me in what felt like a cruel way. \u00a0I have finally understood that they do this because something triggered them, it’s not about me. \u00a0But even understanding that doesn’t keep me from closing down a part of myself and being wary of that friend.<\/p>\n
From my journal for November 10<\/p>\n
Talked to Erica about how I\u2019m letting myself be tired.\u00a0 <\/span>She said I\u2019m still exploring my limits.\u00a0 <\/span>There was also something about learning how much support there was in ordinary things.\u00a0 <\/span>Like sitting at the open table and not having any deep conversations.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m wondering what kind of life I would still have if I stayed within my limits.\u00a0 <\/span>I think about \u201ccomfort zone\u201d and it makes me laugh.\u00a0 <\/span>I never had<\/span> a comfort zone.\u00a0 <\/span>I was always trying to get away from a place that was painful and find a place where I could be comfortable.\u00a0 <\/span>Now, when I\u2019m finally in a place where I can relax enough to feel how tired I am, I am also starting to appreciate hanging out with the ordinary.\u00a0 <\/span>When I was first here, I was only happy if there was a \u201cgood conversation\u201d at dinner.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I\u2019m OK with ordinary remarks.\u00a0 <\/span>I think Erica said something about \u201cordinary\u201d a while back, and I thought \u201chow boring.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Now I see what she meant.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for Oct 25 Guy in the hall on the big noisy vacuum.\u00a0 I stop to comment on the little dog on the front.\u00a0 He tells me it\u2019s \u201cSnoopy\u201d and his nickname was Snoopy.\u00a0 As I go on … Continue reading