Journal entries:<\/p>\n
Friday, October 19<\/p>\n
It\u2019s almost 7:30.\u00a0I\u2019ve been too leisurely over my tea.\u00a0I think I will wait and see when I finish my routine and that will decide whether I drive down to Keene or not.\u00a0I got back from walking Mocha at 8:20, so I called Erica to say I was coming & left.\u00a0I drove down very relaxed, feeling my butt on the seat, paying attention to the music and the trees.<\/p>\n
Saturday, October 20<\/p>\n
Yesterday was very interesting.\u00a0I started unsure of whether I was going to drive to Keene or not.\u00a0I chose to let the time it took to get through my routine make the decision.\u00a0I didn\u2019t hurry, but I didn\u2019t waste time.\u00a0I was ready to go at 8:20, so I left.\u00a0It was like I had taken my hand off the tiller, stopped trying to control things.\u00a0Lots of things went wrong \u2014 I wore my pajama top down to Keene, I didn\u2019t have time to eat lunch before I picked up Jeanne, Dulany and I messed up on times, and none of it mattered.\u00a0A day of grace.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Something else that fits this pattern is how I\u2019ve changed the way I play solitaire.\u00a0 <\/span>I start by trying to free the aces, but when I get stuck, I stop looking for what will free an ace, and look for what I can actually do, even if it doesn\u2019t seem to lead anywhere.\u00a0 <\/span>Most of the time, it works out.\u00a0 <\/span>That was a surprise.<\/p>\n
This \u201cletting things happen\u201d is the opposite of pushing to make myself do what I think should be done. It\u2019s part of the collapse that I suspect has happened because I finally feel safe.\u00a0 <\/span>I know I felt a very strong container when I first moved to Kendal, but then there were all kinds of bureaucratic, strategic things that needed to be done, and I found that so difficult.\u00a0 <\/span>It also has taken me a while to make friends, I still don\u2019t have a lot of people I feel safe with, and I need that to feel really comfortable.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ve had to let go of a number of people that I found attractive when I first moved, and accept that they weren\u2019t equally attracted to me.\u00a0 <\/span>That was a disappointment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
The “very strong container” was a feeling, but also an image. \u00a0I felt held by something like a big glass bowl, made of translucent glass, with vertical sides and a flat bottom joined by a narrow curve. \u00a0It was a little like my perception of a “floor<\/a>” when I first started doing Somatic Experiencing.<\/p>\n
My exhaustion<\/a> has forced me to let myself rest, to find ways to nurture myself, to pay attention to my basic needs.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica says that the legacy of having my mother ignore my needs because she was focussed on getting her own needs met, left me with no idea that I was a human with certain basic survival needs.\u00a0 <\/span>Part of the deep belief that I had to \u201cprove that I deserve to live<\/a>\u201d before I could get basic needs met was conditioned by her neglect.<\/p>\n
I say that I’ve “stopped trying to control things,” but what I’m really trying to control is myself. \u00a0To get myself to do what I think I “should.” \u00a0I don’t try to control other people. What I’m really trying to do is avoid getting punished for not doing something I didn’t know I was supposed to do. \u00a0I’m also trying to just keep going through a blizzard to a place where I feel safe.<\/p>\n
I once saw myself keeping going through severe depression as someone keeping going through a blizzard<\/a>. \u00a0You know you can’t lie down, but you have forgotten why. \u00a0You just keep saying “now put your right foot forward, now put your left foot forward…”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Journal entries: Friday, October 19 It\u2019s almost 7:30.\u00a0I\u2019ve been too leisurely over my tea.\u00a0I think I will wait and see when I finish my routine and that will decide whether I drive down to Keene or not.\u00a0I got back from … Continue reading