I usually type up my journal a month later. \u00a0Yesterday I typed this. \u00a0One of the things I’ve been learning in the work with Erica is how deep the trauma goes. \u00a0This description of feeling so alone and disconnected is pretty much how I felt as a baby when my mother left me alone for too long.<\/p>\n
from my journal for October 10
\nRead over the notes I made from the phone session with Erica.\u00a0 <\/span>I was very upset, not feeling connected to her.\u00a0 <\/span>I cried and cried, sometimes in a very high voice.\u00a0 <\/span>I said \u201cSomeone is supposed to come!\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Erica kept being soothing and reasonable.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m here with you… stay with the feeling…\u00a0 <\/span>how do you know that you are disconnected?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I hated that she was reasonable.\u00a0 <\/span>She sounded detached.\u00a0 <\/span>Didn\u2019t she care?\u00a0 <\/span>My heart was heavy and my belly empty of hope.\u00a0 <\/span>Looking back, I can see that I was feeling grief and despair and anger.\u00a0 <\/span>I started hitting my leg.\u00a0 <\/span>She suggested I hug a pillow.\u00a0 <\/span>That seemed so stupid, so artificial.\u00a0 <\/span>But I figured \u201cWhat have I got to lose?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>So I got the pillow.\u00a0 <\/span>It helped a little.\u00a0 <\/span>She asked about the doll I had made, would it help to hug her?\u00a0 <\/span>No, she doesn\u2019t need comforting.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I thought of the little dog I got at the silent auction.\u00a0 <\/span>He\u2019s a beanie baby so he\u2019s a little squishy, and his expression is one of longing.\u00a0 <\/span>Very easy to want to comfort him.\u00a0 <\/span>I think it must have been at that point that I switched from upset baby to comforter.\u00a0 <\/span>I wanted to write, but I needed to hold the phone and the puppy.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica suggested I put him inside my shirt so I did, and that felt good.\u00a0 <\/span>Comforting for both of us.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of Mother using me to comfort herself because Dad was away.\u00a0 <\/span>At some point I began to feel my whole body.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cHow does that feel?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I feel my skin \u2014 my whole<\/span> skin \u2014 and then I feel myself filling it.\u00a0 <\/span>I finally stopped crying\/ screaming\/\u00a0whimpering.\u00a0 <\/span>I felt totally drained.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica said something about a big wave, but I didn\u2019t feel like something came to a natural end, just that I had got too tired and despairing to keep crying.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSong in my mind:
\n\u201cafter all the tears are finally cried
\nand I am finally clean inside
\nthe gentle winds will come and they will dry my mind…
\nand all that will be left for me to do is die.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nWhen I find a song in my mind, I look for the message. \u00a0I had to look up the exact words. \u00a0They are from\u00a0Pandora\u2019s Golden Heebie Jeebies<\/a>, a song from 1966.<\/p>\n
Just as Erica and I were getting ready to hang up, I heard the call waiting sound, and after we hung up the phone started ringing and it was Christine.\u00a0I was so glad she called.\u00a0I cried for help and somebody answered.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I usually type up my journal a month later. \u00a0Yesterday I typed this. \u00a0One of the things I’ve been learning in the work with Erica is how deep the trauma goes. \u00a0This description of feeling so alone and disconnected is … Continue reading