From my journal for September 26<\/p>\n
\nI was so tired yesterday I didn\u2019t do much of anything.\u00a0 <\/span>I did take a short nap, went to meditation, walked Mocha in the rain.\u00a0 <\/span>I had planned to do things like call the dentist, but because I was so tired, I let myself off the hook.\u00a0 <\/span>I notice that when I was so triggered about the lying about sexual abuse situation<\/a>, I did practical things because resting quietly was impossible when I was so triggered.\u00a0 <\/span>That must be how I lived a lot of my life.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s why I balanced the checkbook every month to the last penny.\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s where \u201cfalse urgency\u201d<\/a> comes from.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
From my journal for September 28<\/p>\n
I think of the tremendous effort I made on Saturday and Sunday not<\/span> to let my mind ruminate on the issue of abuse and lying. \u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Notes from talk with Erica on October 30<\/p>\n
She says it\u2019s a big transition to the support of having people around. \u00a0It\u2019s hard<\/span> work to make new friends. I say \u201cI shouldn\u2019t need to get all this rest.\u201d \u00a0She says \u201cYou were running on fumes before you moved to Kendal.\u201d<\/p>\n
She says I\u2019ve been really really really tired for a really long time. \u00a0Now I\u2019m starting to recognize collapse: after the long worry and effort when Mocha was sick, getting me up in the middle of the night, then the vet and medication, she started getting better and then<\/span> I collapsed. after teaching dance last Sunday \u2014 I enjoyed the teaching, was my enthusiastic self \u2014 and then, when it was over, I could feel how totally exhausted I was.<\/p>\n
Erica says I\u2019m getting familiar with my limits as an organism.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Maybe I\u2019m starting to feel safe enough to collapse.\u00a0 <\/span>All those years that the \u201ctough little drip\u201d<\/a> kept going, and going, and going… \u00a0 <\/span>I used to say I got through depression like you get through a blizzard.\u00a0 <\/span>You know if you lie down that you\u2019ll freeze to death, but you\u2019ve forgotten why you can\u2019t lie down, you say to yourself \u201cnow put your right foot forward, now put your left foot forward..\u201d and just keep moving.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>But it wasn\u2019t just depression I got through that way, it was my whole life because I did not know how much pain I was avoiding.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThe erasing of the abuse was worse than the abuse<\/a>.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>If you don\u2019t know the reason you are having a hard time, you think it\u2019s because you aren\u2019t trying hard enough, so you push yourself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for September 26 I was so tired yesterday I didn\u2019t do much of anything.\u00a0 I did take a short nap, went to meditation, walked Mocha in the rain.\u00a0 I had planned to do things like call the … Continue reading