more from my journal for Tuesday, October 16<\/p>\n
I read some more in Krista Tippett\u2019s book. \u00a0It is so amazing. \u00a0A lot of it feels totally beyond my poor brain at the moment. \u00a0Maybe because so much of it is about the social engagement system, which I think, is currently offline. \u00a0That makes sense of why I\u2019m isolating.<\/p>\n
Got up to make my second cup of tea and realized how unbelievably tired I am. \u00a0Just sitting here with my head propped on my hand.<\/p>\n
I wanted to write down about Trisha saying that she has a hard time doing yoga exercises and she blames it on not wanting to give up her story of being a victim. \u00a0Is that what I\u2019m doing? \u00a0For me I think it is about taking care of myself. \u00a0Things that are basically taking care of myself \u2014 yoga stretches, meditating, even doing laundry, but especially ones that require being alone with my body \u2014 are very difficult to do. \u00a0It\u2019s so painful to have to be with myself in that way. \u00a0Maybe there\u2019s a lot of grief and anger that I wasn\u2019t cared for by someone else when I was supposed to be. \u00a0I want to spend my time doing something of consequence for the world, something that matters. \u00a0If I can\u2019t be doing something like that why take care of myself? \u00a0No motivation at all. \u00a0I\u2019m not worth taking care of.<\/p>\n
Third cup of tea. \u00a0Still tired, but I feel totally washed out and finally ready for some kind of new beginning. \u00a0Maybe stop apologizing for not being more effective in the cumbersome bureaucratic details of living.<\/p>\n
Three moments of beauty noticed and savored: last night, walking Mocha, all the lamp-lit windows made rectangles of golden orange; this morning, standing behind the couch, a little sun coming in the window, sun at just the right angle to make a beautiful pattern of darks and lights of trees, grass, buildings; walking Mocha, enjoying sun, blue sky, fall colors, fallen leaves. \u00a0I notice that the sun is not making me feel like I have to hide, which is how I\u2019ve felt for the last couple of weeks. \u00a0Comforted by grey sky and rain.<\/p>\n
I wonder if the end of a process of struggling (but I keep doing this same one over & over) and potential for new beginning and extreme tiredness is a result of spending most of yesterday working on the blog piece. \u00a0Which was also working on the whole issue of am I a failure at living? or have I done a good job with a very tough assignment?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I took notes in my journal while I was talking to Erica, \u00a0I’ve edited and expanded them here.<\/p>\n
Talk with Erica.\u00a0 <\/span>I say \u201cI\u2019m overwhelmed,\u201d she says what\u2019s happening in your body?\u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 heart squeezed and all the tissue around it being pulled into the squeeze, torso diffuse, arms shaking a very little bit, then there are tears, and then I start to cough.\u00a0 <\/span>Sometimes the cough has meant that I\u2019m angry.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica suggests that coughing while I\u2019m crying may mean it\u2019s not OK to pay attention to what\u2019s happening in my body.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s a traffic jam, anger going in different directions.\u00a0 <\/span>The cough interrupts a state of profound flow, I went from \u201coverwhelm\u201d to tears, which happened because of my attention to my somatic experience.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica\u2019s language is almost too much for me, so I reformulate what I have understood: \u201cI\u2019m not supposed to pay attention to what I\u2019m experiencing \u2014 what\u2019s going on for me.\u201d \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
Erica reminds me that when I was a little kid, crying, I was right in the flow of my experience.\u00a0 <\/span>Mother\u2019s response was \u201cgo to your room.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s a slap in the face.\u00a0 <\/span>She says my whole system is sputtering with shock and bewilderment\/disbelief.\u00a0 <\/span>I start to wail about how much in me is shut down.\u00a0 <\/span>Erica lets me wail, and then reframes it.\u00a0 <\/span>She says that right below the surface the flow is fully intact.\u00a0 <\/span>My response to someone who\u2019s vulnerable is instant compassion.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThe flow is fully intact.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I had been seeing my whole life as a desert, but I\u2019ve only been living in a desert of not being able to see the truth about myself.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWe are being with how quickly you move into your responsive flow with your own experience.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>What am I feeling now?\u00a0 <\/span>\u2014 relief and disbelief \u2014\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t believe my real life is still here (\u201cunder the surface\u201d).\u00a0 <\/span>I had to disbelieve in my own experience, mother saying \u201cGo to your room\u201d erases me, Jenny<\/span>.<\/p>\n
Krista Tippett’s book is Becoming Wise, An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living<\/em><\/a>. \u00a0She quotes interviews with people on her radio show, On Being<\/a>, who have helped shape her understanding.<\/p>\n
The “social engagement system” is a very recent part of the brain, it tends to shut down when the reptilian brainstem is activated by trauma.<\/p>\n
“Trisha” is in the book The Education of Will. \u00a0I say more about it in my post Struggle with Feelings of Failure<\/a>.<\/p>\n
Sun making me feel like I have to hide<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
more from my journal for Tuesday, October 16 I read some more in Krista Tippett\u2019s book. \u00a0It is so amazing. \u00a0A lot of it feels totally beyond my poor brain at the moment. \u00a0Maybe because so much of it is … Continue reading