{"id":5863,"date":"2018-10-07T12:39:18","date_gmt":"2018-10-07T16:39:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5863"},"modified":"2018-10-17T07:43:54","modified_gmt":"2018-10-17T11:43:54","slug":"i-cried-and-cried-and-nobody-came","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5863","title":{"rendered":"“I cried and cried and nobody came…”"},"content":{"rendered":"

I finally figured out why I have been so triggered.\u00a0 <\/span>I was molested by my father at age 12 and raped by a date at age 17.\u00a0 <\/span>I never told anyone, until very recently, and I\u2019ve never had anyone tell me it didn\u2019t happen.\u00a0 <\/span>However, my basic experience as a child was that my pain was ignored, not validated, disappeared by being not reacted to, or I was told \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with you \u2014 you don\u2019t have any reason to be sad, upset, tired, etc…\u201d<\/p>\n

I started cutting myself in California when I was in my 20\u2019s.\u00a0 <\/span>I mimed it on stage in Journey Into Courage<\/a>, but I had no idea why I did it, I just knew that people who cut themselves had been abused.\u00a0 <\/span>At the end of the show, where we threw away the prop that illustrated our abuse, I threw my razor blade into the garbage can, saying \u201cI am not a bad person, bad things happened to me.\u201d<\/a> \u00a0This script only gives the fear section, it’s not the whole script.<\/p>\n

I remember when my brother said \u201cBuddha says life is suffering\u201d and I felt myself hit bottom.\u00a0 It felt like I had been\u00a0floundering in quicksand all of my life, and suddenly there was a solid place to land. \u00a0<\/span>I began to meditate, and I remember feeling like when I was on my cushion, \u201cdemons couldn\u2019t get my soul.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>At the time, I didn\u2019t believe in demons or in the soul, but that was the only language that fit my experience.\u00a0 <\/span>After I started meditating, I stopped cutting myself.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until I started working with Erica, and she began to mirror me, continuously and positively.\u00a0 <\/span>I began to understand that I had never been mirrored by an alcoholic narcissistic mother, and so I had no idea who I was, or what I was experiencing.\u00a0 <\/span>I wrote about this for my Grandmother dress<\/a> for a ceremony that never took place.\u00a0 <\/span>Except that I learned a lot from just making the patches.\u00a0 <\/span>Here\u2019s what I wrote:<\/p>\n

In JOURNEY INTO COURAGE my opening monologue was about writing in my journal all the reasons I was deeply unhappy with myself.\u00a0 Finally I became so desperate that I took a razor blade and cut myself and wrote with the blood.\u00a0 During the five year period in my life when I was cutting myself I made several paintings and also wrote words.\u00a0 One of the pieces I still have.\u00a0 It says \u201cWho if I cried out would hear me amid the hosts of angels.\u201d\u00a0 It is the first line of Rilke\u2019s First Elegy<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The patch with WHO IF written in very wet red paint, is about that piece of writing.\u00a0 It was only very recently that I realized that I cut myself because it was a real pain, I could see that I was in pain.\u00a0 My emotional and spiritual pain was invisible, no one saw it or asked about it, so it seemed that it wasn\u2019t real.\u00a0 Cutting myself was real. \u201cWho if I cried out would hear me amid the hosts of angels\u201d expresses very well how I felt as a traumatized infant. \u00a0 \u201cI cry out but no one hears me.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Here is a picture of the actual writing in blood:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I finally figured out why I have been so triggered.\u00a0 I was molested by my father at age 12 and raped by a date at age 17.\u00a0 I never told anyone, until very recently, and I\u2019ve never had anyone tell … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5863","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-present-day","category-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5863","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5863"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5863\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5863"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5863"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5863"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}