Noticing how badly I am doing \u2014 on Monday, struggling to deal with practical matters, I wrote this in my journal:<\/p>\n
Right now I\u2019m feeling totally blank, like my brain is full of kapok.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The angry phone messages from B reminded me that she had told me something about my friend Eleanor that I was pretty sure wasn\u2019t true, but I doubted my own knowing and had to ask Eleanor what had really happened.\u00a0 <\/span>This made me think about the term \u201cgaslighting.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I looked it up: \u00a0 \u201c<\/span>Gaslighting<\/b> is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0Wikipedia<\/a> \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
Then I watched several YouTube videos.\u00a0 <\/span>The best was Ariel Leve, TED talk<\/a>
\nMy notes from the talk:
\nGaslighting \u2014 when someone manipulates you into questioning your own sanity
\n\u201cthe erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse\u201d
\nThere will never be accountability.
\nLet go of the wish for it to be different.
\nStop engaging and develop healthy detachment.<\/p>\n\u201cThe erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>This is what I suffered from as a child.\u00a0 <\/span>My pain was not acknowledged, not validated.\u00a0 <\/span>This is why I cut myself (also called \u201cself-mutilation\u201d) because the blood let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I had reason to feel pain.\u00a0 For an illustration, see the post on Grandmother Patches<\/a>. \u00a0Go down to the part about the WHO IF patch. \u00a0<\/span>I don\u2019t think this is true for everyone who self-mutilates, but it was certainly true for me.\u00a0 <\/span>I did not begin to understand this until I started working with Erica and she gave me positive mirroring.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere will never be accountability.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I saw this with B, who continued to argue with what I told her.\u00a0 <\/span>I also saw it with my mother, in particular her use of the passive voice to avoid responsibility.\u00a0 <\/span>When I rewrote the 4th of July Monologue<\/a> is when I first saw this dynamic.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet go of the wish for it to be different.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Actually, I knew from the beginning with my mother, that it wasn\u2019t ever going to be different.<\/p>\n
\u201cStop engaging and develop healthy detachment.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>When I got the angry phone messages from B, I knew immediately that the relationship was finished.\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t even want to argue.\u00a0 <\/span>Perhaps, again, I had learned this from my mother, at the time of the Colonial Dames incident.\u00a0 <\/span>I haven\u2019t told that story, I\u2019ll tell it in the next blog post. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Noticing how badly I am doing \u2014 on Monday, struggling to deal with practical matters, I wrote this in my journal: Right now I\u2019m feeling totally blank, like my brain is full of kapok. The angry phone messages from B … Continue reading