from my journal for Saturday, September 8<\/p>\n
In my session with Erica we didn\u2019t talk much \u2014 I didn\u2019t have a lot to say.\u00a0 <\/span>I told her about the odd blank times \u2014 how sometimes it was a relief, and sometimes it was scary.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m so afraid I will forget something important.\u00a0 <\/span>Because of all the times Mother expected me to know things I hadn\u2019t been told?\u00a0 <\/span>Erica said the blank times were scary because the ego dissolved.\u00a0 <\/span>Wasn\u2019t sure what that meant, but thinking of it now I see that it\u2019s a kind of constructed identity that dissolves, and I am not that.\u00a0 <\/span>In fact all this recent work has been to dismantle the constructed identity, maybe the blank times are an indicator of success.<\/p>\n
I think that what\u2019s being so confusing about this time in my life is that I\u2019m having to deal with a lot of bureaucratic details, and at the same time I have this very deep process going on.\u00a0 <\/span>I can see that it would be much easier to do the deep work if I were in a hospital, asylum, nunnery.\u00a0 <\/span>Supported by having people around me, and a day structured around meals and simple activities \u2014 exercise\/yoga, meditation\/prayer, therapy.<\/p>\n
I am so profoundly discouraged.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to cry.\u00a0 <\/span>I want to crawl into a hole and pull it tight behind me.\u00a0 <\/span>If I could have anything at all it would be to have a soul conversation with someone.<\/p>\n
I was typing up the notes from the session with Erica on August 10.\u00a0 <\/span>Revisiting them I see why this time in my life is so difficult<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>Because I have enough support \u2014 Kendal is providing a really solid container \u2014 the earliest issues, the youngest parts of me are coming up to be processed.\u00a0 <\/span>But I don\u2019t have enough of the kind of support I need to do the processing.\u00a0 <\/span>The baby part of me is desperately confused and scared about all the bureaucratic details \u2014 one example is: I signed up to be able to connect with the Hanover Friends on the internet, but it looks like there\u2019s more I have to do, and I don\u2019t understand what.\u00a0 <\/span>My baby part can\u2019t handle it, but the energy of this very young part of me is so big in my life that my adult can\u2019t block her off enough to function in the bureaucratic world.\u00a0 <\/span>My adult is also distracted by wanting to facilitate this deep process, but finds it very difficult because the baby can\u2019t communicate verbally.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish I had something like family group to go to every day.\u00a0 <\/span>It would help move the process along a very little at a time.\u00a0 <\/span>If I\u2019m struggling so hard just to explain what I think is going on, and I don\u2019t really expect anyone to be able to understand, how can I possibly find help?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Once again I’m expecting myself to do something that is much too difficult, would be difficult for most people, not just me. \u00a0I’m angry at myself for not doing better. \u00a0I want to be able to explain it to people so they can see why I’m not succeeding at the things I think I should be getting done. \u00a0But they don’t even see me this way.<\/p>\n
I called my friend Carolyn, to see if she wanted to go for a walk, and she was struggling with the same kind of petty bureaucratic issues. \u00a0But she’s a person with some success in navigating the social world. \u00a0That helped. \u00a0And then we got laughing hysterically, which we often do, and that helped enormously. \u00a0I stopped feeling like I was weird.<\/p>\n
But I also think that my analysis of the problem, that my baby part and my adult part are finding it difficult to work together, is correct, and the answer is I have to be much more patient with myself. \u00a0It’s taking a long time to get through this because it’s HARD, dammit!<\/p>\n
The comment about “family group” \u2014 the family group is part of the structure of the Kindred Spirits<\/a> Gathering. \u00a0Everybody there is assigned to one of six family groups, so there are about ten people in each, including two staff people. \u00a0We have two hours every morning, to talk about what’s going on for us, and ask for what we want, usually help with what we are struggling with. The usual format is to go around the circle and each person has a short time to say how they are doing. \u00a0Then the time left is divided up, there’s usually about 7 minutes a person, and we each get that time to talk about what’s up, emote about it, scream, yell, cry about it. \u00a0One person in my recent family group, after they had been triggered into being very upset, laughed and said “Triggers are good! \u00a0this is Rowe!”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
from my journal for Saturday, September 8 In my session with Erica we didn\u2019t talk much \u2014 I didn\u2019t have a lot to say.\u00a0 I told her about the odd blank times \u2014 how sometimes it was a relief, and … Continue reading