From my journal for Tuesday, July 31<\/p>\n
Feeling pretty lost.\u00a0 <\/span>Still very<\/span> tired.\u00a0 <\/span>Woke up OK, but then started thinking uncomfortable thoughts.\u00a0 <\/span>Thought about \u2014 of all things \u2014 that detox foot bath that will probably not find a good home and will have to be thrown away.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I\u2019m sitting here feeling like a profound failure because I haven\u2019t been able to live up to my values.<\/p>\n
I also feel terrible about what happened with Eleanor.\u00a0 <\/span>I went down to give her a hug before leaving for the chiropractor.\u00a0 <\/span>She immediately began to tell me that there were wasps in the corner of the garden shed on the deck.\u00a0 <\/span>She went on about five stings on her arm, how her arm swelled up, and her face, and how she could have died.\u00a0 <\/span>She went on & on about it finally saying something about if the realtor was showing the house and someone got stung there would be a lawsuit… at about that time I broke in and said \u201cI\u2019ve got to leave soon,\u201d and she jumped back and said \u201cI try so hard and everyone\u2019s always getting angry at me, you get angry and Chris gets angry and Jane gets angry…\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>She was shaking her hands, she was obviously very upset.\u00a0 <\/span>I just listened, and started crying.\u00a0 <\/span>I told her I was sorry, I don\u2019t remember what she said.\u00a0 <\/span>I asked for a hug, but I\u2019m not sure how present she was.\u00a0 <\/span>She wouldn\u2019t look at me and when she did her eyes were so cold.\u00a0 <\/span>That was what was most painful.<\/p>\n
When I got back there was an apologetic message from her saying she would not show her emotions any more.\u00a0 <\/span>I called and apologized for not saying right away \u201cI\u2019ll do something about it as soon as I can.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I was thinking that if I had said that firmly enough, she would not have kept on trying to convince me that it needed to be done.\u00a0 <\/span>I told her I had got distracted thinking that I couldn\u2019t get ahold of Ron right away, but she took that as meaning I thought she wanted me to do it right away.\u00a0 <\/span>I thought about trying to explain \u201cfalse urgency<\/a>,\u201d but was afraid she\u2019d hear that wrong.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m feeling like a total failure at living.\u00a0 <\/span>I keep seeing things I should do something about, and I feel too tired and discouraged to even begin.\u00a0 <\/span>I have no sense at all of a kind and loving spirit who holds all of us in compassion.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel so utterly defeated.\u00a0 <\/span>I wish I could just die right now and be done with the struggle.<\/p>\n
If I knew absolutely that I was going to die tomorrow I would feel such relief.\u00a0 <\/span>I could even feel my shoulders relax.\u00a0 <\/span>And then I would wake up and think \u201cO thank god it was just a bad dream.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m even feeling a little distant from Mocha, not sure she loves me, not sure I love her.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
My concern about “finding a good home” instead of throwing something away is because I felt that my mother had thrown me away, and I wanted me to find a good home. \u00a0I remember once I made up a whole story about one of our cars that had been traded in for a new car, and how that car was found by a family who really wanted it. \u00a0I had no idea at the time that the story reflected something I believed about myself.<\/p>\n
What happened with Eleanor triggered my responsibility wound.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m feeling a despairing agony because I can\u2019t do anything to make it different.\u00a0 <\/span>This is a place in my life where there should have been a responsible adult, and there wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>My wish to die is a result of my utter helplessness to do anything about what has gone wrong for someone I care very much about.<\/p>\n
This has happened many times in my life. \u00a0Something goes wrong, or someone tells me that I should get a job, or think positively, things that are irrelevant to my life, things I have tried that haven’t made any difference. \u00a0Because I can’t\/won’t do them, I see that I am failing to prove that I deserve to live<\/a>, and I might as well die. \u00a0Typing this up, I see how a “relatively trivial” thing \u2014 something that I actually was able to do something about \u2014 quickly led to wanting to die.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From my journal for Tuesday, July 31 Feeling pretty lost.\u00a0 Still very tired.\u00a0 Woke up OK, but then started thinking uncomfortable thoughts.\u00a0 Thought about \u2014 of all things \u2014 that detox foot bath that will probably not find a good … Continue reading