{"id":5810,"date":"2018-08-10T14:29:34","date_gmt":"2018-08-10T18:29:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5810"},"modified":"2019-07-04T15:24:35","modified_gmt":"2019-07-04T19:24:35","slug":"process-of-understanding-what-im-up-against","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=5810","title":{"rendered":"Process of Understanding What I’m up Against"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning. \u00a0It shows how I actually use writing to understand myself better. \u00a0This process began with a realization that “I\u2019ve had the sense that reading thrillers addictively was in an attempt to avoid something.” \u00a0Written on my journal on July 6, and quoted in a blog post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Friday, August 10<\/p>\n

My heart is sore.\u00a0 <\/span>Yesterday, trying to back into a parking space in Montpelier,\u00a0<\/span>I bumped the car next to me and left a scrape of white paint.\u00a0 <\/span>I kept going up the path to Karen\u2019s.\u00a0 <\/span>But when I got inside, I started to feel guilty, and realized I had to go back and leave a note.\u00a0 <\/span>When I got to the car, the woman was there.\u00a0 <\/span>She hadn\u2019t seen the bumper, she\u2019d approached from the back.\u00a0 <\/span>I gave her the note with my contact info, but she wanted my insurance info too.\u00a0 <\/span>I had to go back inside twice to get the right key.\u00a0 <\/span>By this time I was crying, but I brushed the tears away and unlocked the car to get the paper from my glove compartment.\u00a0 <\/span>When I got back to Karen I just cried and cried.\u00a0 <\/span>Sitting here writing, trying to figure out why I\u2019m so upset about such a little thing, I realize I\u2019m angry at myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Furious with myself for such a stupid little mistake.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t find any softness or forgiveness in myself, toward myself.<\/p>\n

I guess I\u2019ve been angry at myself all along, starting with the internet scam.\u00a0 <\/span>Angry with myself for not handling this whole confusing painful time better.\u00a0 <\/span>What do I mean by \u201cbetter\u201d?\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cDealing with the practicalities efficiently and correctly, not getting all emotional and upset.\u201d<\/p>\n

What do I value?\u00a0 <\/span>Are efficiency and correctness more important than the underlying psychological \/ spiritual dynamics?\u00a0 <\/span>I can see, what Erica perhaps means, that I am engaged with everything that\u2019s going on.\u00a0 <\/span>That I value honesty and integrity. over correctness and efficiency.\u00a0 <\/span>Yes, it\u2019s taking me a long stumbling time to deal with a lot of stupid little things.\u00a0 <\/span>Because it costs me so much, I don\u2019t have time and energy for more worthwhile things.\u00a0 <\/span>Like what?\u00a0 <\/span>like meaningful conversations with friends, long walks with the dog, exploring and visiting Howe Library, Montshire Museum, Garden of Life…\u00a0 <\/span>Even making sense out of some of this and putting together blog posts.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s all so confusing.\u00a0 <\/span>I am so fragmented.\u00a0 <\/span>Yesterday it was a struggle to write in my Fidelity check register, recording all the checks I wrote for medical expenses from my household account.<\/p>\n

Second cup of tea.\u00a0 <\/span>While I was up I had a sudden image of Little Jenny, seven years old, struggling with all those checks.\u00a0 <\/span>My heart softens.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not important that she be correct and efficient.\u00a0 <\/span>I think she\u2019s participating much more in my life than she used to, and I can see how wrong it is to expect her to do things that she\u2019s simply not old enough to do.\u00a0 <\/span>But that\u2019s what my parents expected, so I continue to expect impossible things of myself and then get angry at myself when I can\u2019t fulfill them \u201cefficiently and correctly.\u201d<\/p>\n

I am so sorry Little Jenny.\u00a0 <\/span>You were doing the best you could do.\u00a0 <\/span>I should have been taking better care of you.\u00a0 <\/span>I remember how I had a similar accident after Shenanigan died.\u00a0 <\/span>That time, the woman was kind and said not to worry about it.\u00a0 <\/span>I imagine someone coming to me, in tears, because she had scraped my car, and me saying \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>Then I have a hit of fury at the parents who are expecting far too much of this seven-year old.\u00a0 <\/span>I also think of my father, scrupulously making sure that mother is recording the checks and marking the ones to charitable causes \u2014 and he\u2019s essentially on his deathbed.\u00a0 <\/span>What a waste of his last days.\u00a0 <\/span>Then I see another scrupulous child, trying to get everything taken care of before he leaves.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel grief for him and anger on his behalf.<\/p>\n

\u201cGrief and anger.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s what I told Elizabeth I was feeling.\u00a0 <\/span>What a confusing tangle.\u00a0 <\/span>Such opposite emotions and yet both appropriate for loss.\u00a0 <\/span>So many different ways they could be aimed.\u00a0 <\/span>I can be angry at myself, or at my parents for teaching me to be angry at myself.<\/p>\n

Thank god I talk to Erica this morning.\u00a0 <\/span>She\u2019s the only one who can offer balm to my wounds.\u00a0 <\/span>O but Laura did a pretty good job, and Elizabeth and Karen.\u00a0 <\/span>I think of the line from The Secret Life of Bees, which describes a \u201ctime out\u201d from your life.\u00a0 <\/span>I hope Kindred Spirits will give me that.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I had to write checks from my household account because my Fidelity account was frozen because of the scam.\u00a0 <\/span>First I had to get more money into that account which didn\u2019t have enough money in it, and that was a complicated process.<\/p>\n

\u201cFeeling fragmented\u201d was described in a talk by Dan Seigel, on integration.\u00a0 <\/span>He talks about \u201cdevelopmental trauma,\u201d a new description for very early trauma while the nervous system is still developing.\u00a0 <\/span>He says that trauma prevents the brain from developing integrative circuits.\u00a0 <\/span>I found that comforting but also scary.\u00a0 <\/span>What does it take to repair that?<\/p>\n

I was also told, in a workshop with Bessel van der Kolk, that they had tried to get the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual to recognize Developmental Trauma as a separate diagnosis.\u00a0 <\/span>The DSM refused, as of 2009<\/a>. \u00a0<\/span>As of 2017, things had not substantially changed<\/a>, except that a lot more research had confirmed the problem(s) and the extent of the disorder.<\/p>\n

My father, trying to make sure checks are correct<\/a>.<\/p>\n

One of the reasons it was so hard to recognize that I was angry at myself is that I never experienced feelings of anger.\u00a0 <\/span>Instead I felt sad, despairing, or sore as I say here.\u00a0 <\/span>I did not experience actually feeling anger.\u00a0 <\/span>Instead I began to realize that my feeling of soreness, sadness, hurt were because I was feeling \u201cangered at,\u201d instead of angry. \u00a0 <\/span>Only once did I actually experience a feeling of anger toward myself.\u00a0 <\/span>http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=323<\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>I also had a therapist who often asked me \u201cAre you angry at yourself?\u201d when she could see that I was.\u00a0 <\/span>This helped me to begin to tell when I was angry at myself.<\/p>\n

A \u201ctime out\u201d \u00a0 <\/span>\u201c<\/i>The first week at August\u2019s was a consolation, a pure relief.\u00a0 The world will give you that once in a while, a brief time-out; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody else dabs mercy on your beat-up life.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 p82 \u00a0<\/i>From The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd<\/a><\/p>\n

Kindred Spirits<\/a> is a gathering at Rowe Camp & Conference Center<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning. \u00a0It shows how I actually use writing to understand myself better. \u00a0This process began with a realization that “I\u2019ve had the sense that reading thrillers addictively was in an attempt … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,19,9,4,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-interesting-link","category-journal","category-trauma","category-writing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5810","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5810"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5810\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5810"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5810"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5810"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}