July 10<\/p>\n
Fear came up.\u00a0 <\/span>The cold vibration in my diaphragm.\u00a0 <\/span>It didn\u2019t fade so I stayed with it.\u00a0 <\/span>Tried to meditate \u2014 actually maybe I did finally hold on to the lovingkindness prayer for myself.\u00a0 <\/span>Somewhere along the way I realized that the fear had been triggered by being invited to join a facebook group called Being my own Best Friend.\u00a0 <\/span>I went to the page and scrolled down and got to one about \u201cFalling is an accident, staying down is a choice,\u201d and one about \u201cI can choose to not let my life be dominated\/controlled by the past.\u201d\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0I immediately feel guilty.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m unable to make that happen, so I must be choosing to let my life be dominated by the past.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel totally judged and found wanting.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s the old old \u201cI\u2019ve worked so hard for so long.\u00a0 <\/span>Why am I not feeling better?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>It makes me just want to quit.<\/p>\n Went back to check.\u00a0 One entry says \u00a0<\/span>\u201cLet go\u00a0 <\/span>Release the stress.\u00a0 <\/span>You were never in control anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n The other says \u201cDon\u2019t allow your life to be controlled by these 5 things: That left me feeling like I was failing.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s an invalidation just like \u201cIf you really<\/strong> wanted to, you would feel better.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m starting to suspect that this feeling of total despair may be depression, and that depression may have more to do with how trauma affected my developing brain and nervous system than with psychological factors I can change.\u00a0 <\/span>This depression may not be amenable to neuroplasticity<\/a> (changing my brain through deliberately not thinking certain things, and forcing myself to think something more positive).\u00a0 <\/span>Or if it can be changed, it may take a long time.\u00a0 <\/span>So I\u2019m going to go back up to 100 mg imipramine & see what happens.<\/p>\n Looking at this today, I see that the two messages from the website contradict each other.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou are not in control,\u201d and \u201cYou can choose not to be controlled by…\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou are not in control\u201d is absolutely true.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s the basis of AA\u2019s first step: Admitted that my life was unmanageable. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cYou can choose not to be controlled…\u201d is much trickier.\u00a0 <\/span>Whether or not you can choose \u201cnot to be controlled\u201d depends on how the controlling functions.\u00a0 <\/span>If you are being controlled by your thoughts, you can change your thinking.\u00a0 <\/span>If you are being controlled by your emotions, you can take a pause, breathe, and then examine what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 <\/span>Marshall Rosenberg pointed out that someone does not \u201cmake you angry,\u201d you are angry because of what you think about the other person.\u00a0 <\/span>On the other hand, if a car nearly runs you down, you are not in control of your fight\/flight\/freeze response.\u00a0 <\/span>If someone bigger and stronger drags you away to jail, you cannot choose not to be dragged away.\u00a0 <\/span>You can choose not to be intimidated, to start doing (or continue doing) your spiritual practice.\u00a0 <\/span>You can choose to feel angry at yourself for what you did to get dragged off, or for not being able to stop them.\u00a0 <\/span>If you are a veteran, and your body dives behind a couch because a car backfired in the street before your brain has time to say \u201cThat\u2019s a car backfiring,\u201d you have no choice to not be controlled by your reptilian brainstem.\u00a0 <\/span>After it has happened, you can tell yourself that the gunshot happened THEN, even though it feels like now, but you can\u2019t stop your body from reacting the next time.\u00a0 <\/span>That takes one of the new trauma healing methods, of which there are many right now.\u00a0 <\/span>Somatic Experiencing<\/a> and EMDR<\/a> are probably the best known, but there are more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" July 10 Fear came up.\u00a0 The cold vibration in my diaphragm.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t fade so I stayed with it.\u00a0 Tried to meditate \u2014 actually maybe I did finally hold on to the lovingkindness prayer for myself.\u00a0 Somewhere along the way … Continue reading
\n1. Your past 2. other people\u2019s opinions and judgements 3. Your own limited beliefs
\n<\/span>4. relationships\u00a0 <\/span>5. money”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n